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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil unreasonable about ds birthday or am I?

351 replies

Marshmallowflumps1 · 19/07/2018 19:20

Name change as outing.
Ds to be three next Tuesday. I’m pregnant so we want to have a special day for his birthday knowing it’s the last we will have Just the three of us.
We have organised a family tea party on the Sunday for relatives, just cake balloons etc and a chance for both sets of grandparents to see him/give presents if they wish etc.
Then my dp and I have both taken the Tuesday off work, to give him presents in the morning, take him out to a local fair that’s here, and later that day we are joining a couple of friends with children similar age, to go for dinner at a local country pub with a play area etc.

My family has been fine with these plans. But mil has expressed that she feels it is unfair she is not seeing ds on his birthday. She wants to come round in the morning of his birthday to watch him open his presents from her on the day.
I have offered if she wants to come the Monday evening, as well as the Sunday to see ds and give gifts then, she is more than welcome. But that the Sunday was really just about us as a little family. She is still unhappy with this, pushing tp come for half an hour the morning of his birthday.

Dp has said would it really be so bad if they came just for half an hour to keep the peace? I think why should she be any different to any of the rest of mine and dps family. If they all insisted on popping in on the day for half an hour at some point, we would have a houseful and wouldn’t get out. I want to put my foot down and refuse. but Im aware that I’m hormonal and possibily having slightly irrational thoughts about my pfbs last birthday before he has a brother or sister, and want to keep him to myself, and may not be completely reasonable at the moment.
I’m really not sure so just wanted some objective opinions.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marshmallowflumps1 · 19/07/2018 19:21

*should say the Tuesday (day of ds birthday) was just about us as a little family.

OP posts:
TheSkyAtNight · 19/07/2018 19:22

Yanbu. Your plans sound lovely and include everyone

sexnotgender · 19/07/2018 19:23

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. You’ve made plans for just the 3 of you and been very accommodating of her to come the previous day.

wizzywig · 19/07/2018 19:23

Dont tell her and do 2 partys

PlaymobilPirate · 19/07/2018 19:23

Yanbu at all

AnneProtheroe · 19/07/2018 19:24

Let him open his presents on the Sunday. He's 3 - he hasn't a clue what the date actually is. Extends his birthday nicely plus MIL gets to see him open them.

NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking · 19/07/2018 19:24

I think if you’ve made plans, those are your plans. No one has the right to impose and make you change them for any reason.

mummmy2017 · 19/07/2018 19:24

Pick your battles, and stick to it.
Tell her no your sorry, but you have plans, however you will get DS too call her.

Hellywelly10 · 19/07/2018 19:25

Mil sounds a bit full on tbh.

SugarIsAmazing · 19/07/2018 19:25

As a grandmother myself I'd be very disappointed to not see my grandson on his actual birthday.
I think you're being a little precious.

Blueisland · 19/07/2018 19:25

Just let her see him on his birthday. He is a lucky little boy to have a grandmother who cares about him and is interested (I never had that myself). She is his family, too. Keeping the peace does matter. If I were you I’d accommodate her.

SoShinySoChrome · 19/07/2018 19:27

She’s being unreasonable. Tell her you are going to watch the sun rise for his birthday. In a field. You will not be home Birthday morning.

Onebloodyjob · 19/07/2018 19:27

This sounds very familiar. Except I'm a few years ahead of you!! Stick to your guns.. what you've planned is lovely and mil will still enjoy seeing him but on your terms.
I feel your pain but it does get easier, not that my mil has got easier, more like we give less of a shit

Original poster
Marshmallowflumps1 · 19/07/2018 19:27

Just to clarify I’m happy for him to open the presents when he sees his grandparents, I’m wouldn’t stipulate they are kept until the day. I actually think with small children it can be helpful to spread gifts out if they are lucky enough to have lots of family members buying for them, as they pay attention to each gift without being overwhelmed all at once iyswim.

OP posts:
Fwend · 19/07/2018 19:28

Of course YANBU.

"That doesn't work for us. We're looking forward to seeing you on the Sunday." And repeat.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 19/07/2018 19:30

As a grandmother I'm glad DS and DIL just invite everyone round on the actual birthday. I wouldn't say anything but I'd be a bit disappointed if they did what you're doing OP.

ParkheadParadise · 19/07/2018 19:30

I wouldn't be changing my plans for MIL. If she doesn't like it then tough shit.
Enjoy ur day with DS.

Disfordarkchocolate · 19/07/2018 19:30

I think your plans sound lovely and inclusive. I'd try not to set up an expectation that you will always see family on his actual birthday.

RedSkyLastNight · 19/07/2018 19:31

Is it watching him opening his presents that is actually the issue? As in, are you insisting they are kept till his actual birthday? if so, just let him open them on Sunday.

pigsDOfly · 19/07/2018 19:31

How you want to organize your child's birthday is up to you and your DP, although, from your OP it doesn't seem as if he's getting a lot of say in the matter.

However, you're expecting another baby, who is going to be part of your family, you're not all going to be shot at dawn the day after DS's third birthday; all this talk of it being the last time you'll have together as 'a little family' makes it sound as if it's the last time you'll all be happy.

Hope when the new baby arrives he/she gets a warmer welcome than your post suggests will be the case.

Singlenotsingle · 19/07/2018 19:32

Oh ffs MIL is being a bit U isn't she? I know it's the birthday but it's just a day, like any other! However, it's probably worth giving her what she wants, just to keep goodwill - but the other set of dgps will have to be invited as well! Say to them both "present opening is scheduled between 10-11 on Tuesday morning. Coffee will be served; please bring cake".

ThreeIsACharm · 19/07/2018 19:32

YANBU.
Your plans sound lovely. I would stand firm. You and your dp as the chids parents have made plans and others should follow your requests.
It's not up to everyone else to make demands and you meet them. It's your sons day and you have planned a lovely weekend and family day.

RealEstateNovelist · 19/07/2018 19:34

YANBU but it also wouldn’t kill you to be a bit flexible. You say what would happen if everyone demanded a half hour on his birthday but that’s not what’s happening. And if your DH wants to do it his opinion shouldn’t count any less than yours.

A PP wisely advised you to pick your battles — is this really the one you want to take a stand on?

MsFrizzle · 19/07/2018 19:34

As a grandmother myself I'd be very disappointed to not see my grandson on his actual birthday.
I think you're being a little precious.

Why?

bridgetreilly · 19/07/2018 19:35

The more she pushes, the more I would put my foot down. It's not about her, and she needs to understand that. She's been invited to his party and she can give him his presents then. You're perfectly entitled to want time with just the three of you.