Mil unreasonable about ds birthday or am I?

[Marshmallowflumps1]

Name change as outing.
Ds to be three next Tuesday. I’m pregnant so we want to have a special day for his birthday knowing it’s the last we will have Just the three of us.
We have organised a family tea party on the Sunday for relatives, just cake balloons etc and a chance for both sets of grandparents to see him/give presents if they wish etc.
Then my dp and I have both taken the Tuesday off work, to give him presents in the morning, take him out to a local fair that’s here, and later that day we are joining a couple of friends with children similar age, to go for dinner at a local country pub with a play area etc.

My family has been fine with these plans. But mil has expressed that she feels it is unfair she is not seeing ds on his birthday. She wants to come round in the morning of his birthday to watch him open his presents from her on the day.
I have offered if she wants to come the Monday evening, as well as the Sunday to see ds and give gifts then, she is more than welcome. But that the Sunday was really just about us as a little family. She is still unhappy with this, pushing tp come for half an hour the morning of his birthday.

Dp has said would it really be so bad if they came just for half an hour to keep the peace? I think why should she be any different to any of the rest of mine and dps family. If they all insisted on popping in on the day for half an hour at some point, we would have a houseful and wouldn’t get out. I want to put my foot down and refuse. but Im aware that I’m hormonal and possibily having slightly irrational thoughts about my pfbs last birthday before he has a brother or sister, and want to keep him to myself, and may not be completely reasonable at the moment.
I’m really not sure so just wanted some objective opinions.

I’d stick to your plans OP
Tell MIL she can’t come.
Enjoy your lovely day together
And when your DS is grown with his own family and excludes you on your grandsons birthday, you’ll maybe understand then

Can you maybe drop round to her house on the way to the fair - that way you get to control the timings, literally 20 mins?

I think the fact that you're not just being a family of 3 as you're out with friends later on undermines your position a bit and just seems a bit mean to be honest? Surely your son would be excited to see his grandparents on his birthday?

If the Tuesday is just about your “little family” it doesn’t make sense that you will be spending part of it in a pub with your mates and their kids. Obvs it’s up to you how you spend the day but I could t get worked up about MIL wanting to give your DC a present on his birthday

Wow, some of the responses ^^ on this thread are batshit.

You have made lovely plans that fully include both sets of grandparents. With school and work it's rare that we do anything on actual birthdays here, just closest weekend. If you were at work would they expect to come round while you're trying to get ready?

The friends have children that are DS's friends.
Or should DS suck it up on his birthday to stop Granny sulking?
"Sorry son you can't see Jack, Leo and Chloe as Granny wants to see you."
Obviously you wouldn't say that, but that's the gist of it.

What would make the DS happiest?

I know with my mil the "popping in for just 30 minutes" would end up be the whole morning. Does that matter? Well it depends on the plans for the rest of the day

Why isn't your son allowed to see his Grandma on his birthday? Maybe he wants to? It's an entire day OP! What is wrong with 30 minutes?!?!?

Boxsets I always look forward to reading your comments on a thread. you are always such a lovely breath of fresh air, coming on with your name calling and judgements.just a gentle reminder however that if you read the posts properly first and get the facts straight you may find your points have more substance. One more time. Dp agrees with me in principle and we’d made the plans together, he’s just pussyfooting round his mother, by his own admission to ‘keep her happy’. We couldn’t have the party on the Tuesday for family as df and fil are working different times that day. We are having the morning when mil and fil want to come round, and most of the day to ourselves, just the three of us. Meeting friends later, close family friends who ds adores. This will be after I’ve had family on Sunday and dps parents again on the Monday. Good grief if I’m the dil from hell, then I really needn’t have any fears about future dils I think I’m pretty fair to dps family. Probably more flexible to them than my own, but my parents don’t tend to push things.

Please remember my ds is theee, not thirty, so if I’m weird for wanting some time with him and my dp pn our own on his birthday, then I will happily be considered weird. I think many will just regard it as being a loving mother however, prioritising and setting some time aside for your child, and making arrangements with work and family members to ensure fairness to everyone. Pretty bog standard stuff for a working parent.

Dpotter good point next year I feel like saying fine come on his birthday for half an hour, then on the weekend we will have a lovely tea party without extended family. But I don’t think I’d do that to my parents it would spoil it for them they always look forward to things like this and never seem to push things.

Laiste thanks for your kind words.

Seesawride you made me laugh.

Lulu it is just half an hour. But if we are having a chilled morning, pottering in our pjs, just the three of us, other family members coming does change that dynamic.
Why do the inlaws need more time than they have already had at the party? I agree with the posters who say this is about being no1. Gran. She’s already having extra on the Monday but just has to keep pushing it.

Why are you asking the question then OP if you don't believe YABU? The views are mixed.

As I said above, there are ways around it to ensure your MIL can see him, it's 20 or 30 mins.

You will may be want MIL on board for babysitting or emergency care if / when you go back to work. For the sake of 30 mins, I think you're being precious.

Prestonflowers I hope my ds does grow up and meet a lovel partner and includes me in family parties and makes everything fair in terms of seeing my grandchildren regularly.
If I am treat the way I have treat my dm and mil, I will honestly be happy with this and wouldn’t expect to be involved in every single aspect of my grandchild’s life.
I think it’s healthy for a child to have time with their parents alone, time with extended family and time with close friends. Getting to see them 1-2 times weekly and an involvement in some way in their milestones would be wonderful. This is what I try to ensure for my ds and his grandparents. I hope a future dil is as mean and controlling as me
I would be happy with this arrangement, and I’d never push or expect more access or special access that his partners parents aren’t having just to be no1 gran.

OP, I think your plans sound lovely.

will she go after half an hour, or will she angle to be included in your plans for the rest of the day, will your DS be upset she leaves after half an hour?

This also popped into my head as I was reading the OP.

I would be upset as a grandmother to realise you were excluding family from a child's birthday to go out with friends instead.

She isn't - she's including them all on Sunday because some of them work. She's providing tea and cake and presents to be opened.

As for "I just feel like I gave birth to him, I want that day with him" makes it sound weird. Is your husband not an equal parent or does he simply get no say as he couldn't give birth

He is, he helped plan the day .... he wants to take DS out and spend time with his (pregnant) wife - he's already agreed to the Sunday familly afternoon, he agrees with OP about his mother being awkward.

Ask a kid .... fair and soft play/outdoor play or sat at home with the grown ups drinking tea?

op, I think you’re getting an unnecessarily hard time from some people here. People seem to be forgetting that you’re throwing a little party on the Sunday for people to attend and then you have your in laws coming again on the Monday morning

I don’t think yabu in the slightest for wanting to stick to the plans that you and your do AGREED on and that he seems to want to go back on just to keep his mum happy and keep the peace.

It’s not just your mil’s feelings that matter in this, yours do too. And to be honest, I think you have been more than accommodating. Stick to your original plans, they sound lovely xx

Goodness me OP your MIL is rude! The proper response to an invitation to a party tea is either, "Thank you very much", or "I'm so sorry I'm afraid I can't make it." Not, "I refuse to come on the day you've invited me and instead insist on coming on a day which is inconvenient for you and when I know you have other plans. "

Yanbu enjoy your special day how you want to. I don't get why we have to include everyone and pander to other family members. You have planned a nice party for them , this sounds lovely. You gave birth to him. The date is precious to you and D's and your partner. MIL had all the birthdays while her kids were younger. It's your turn. Don't let them take over. This drives me mad each special occasion.

I think my view is coloured by my own experience. My only memory of my 3rd birthday is opening the door and seeing my grandparents standing there beaming holding a tricycle between them. I know from photos that I had presents and a party with friends etc, but all I vividly remember is that scene of grandparents holding the tricycle; and it’s so special. Particularly as they both died before I reached adulthood, so those early memories is all I have of them.

I don’t think it is necessarily in your DS’ best interests to stop your MIL coming over on his birthday.

Unicorns yes she’s likely to overstay. Any visitors just change the dynamic of having a relaxed morning in your own home with Pjs on. We are so busy working it feels like we never get time for this.

Silentnighttwo that sounds like a lovely memory.

Ds will be seeing his grandparents and no doubt receiving gifts from them. I hope he does remember it. And they will watch him blow out candles on his cake etc etc. I don’t think I’m depriving anyone of memories.
He will also be spending time with his parents and seeing some family friends he adores.
Not sure how the times will affect his enjoyment, in fact I think he will enjoy it more having things spread out and actually have the chance to look at the gifts he is given and spend time playing with them with all four of his grandparents, rather than being bombarded with one thing after another (yes he is ruined, I know).

I do take on board what some posters said about popping in on her so the timing is controlled a bit and it won’t take over the day.
That could be a possible option

Yanbu as long as she can see DGC around their b day. It doesn't have to be the actual day. My MIL was very demanding and insisting on daily visits as we lived near. I should have been firmer sooner.

But you're happy to go out with friends and spend time with them, but it's only your little family allowed when it suits you? I'd see that as a slap- that you juts didn't want to see them, but your friends are fine.

I definitely think stick to your guns. You’re having two other occasions when she can come round and no one else is kicking up a fuss! It’s your family so you do as you wish.

but all I vividly remember is that scene of grandparents holding the tricycle

it would be same memory had it been the day before and week after or the day of your birthday!

YANBU. Your plans sounds lovely and I completely understand your reasoning. Your ds will love seeing all of the family on Sunday and, on Tuesday, spending the morning with just you and your oh, having both of your undivided attentions, instead of you running around looking after 'guests'. Then he will have a great afternoon playing with close friends.

Your MIL is being unreasonable, she's getting lots of time with your ds, watching him opening gifts and enjoying a party. What does it matter that it's not on his actual birthday?

Stick to your guns. I think you're already being more than accommodating letting them come round on Monday. If she's still not happy, tough!

Wishing your son a happy birthday and I hope you all have a great time.

YANBU your plans sound lovely. If you hadn't planned a family party then I could understand it, but you have. We do the same here, plan a family party near DC's birthday and they love it! Less pressure, a weekend of celebrations, more cake what's not to like .

Spending some quality time together before DC2 arrives is so important too. I have some lovely memories of us with DS1 just before his brother turned up. Enjoy and have a great time!

YANBU sounds like you're taking everyone into consideration. MIL just wants things her way. Don't give into that behaviour!