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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil unreasonable about ds birthday or am I?

351 replies

Marshmallowflumps1 · 19/07/2018 19:20

Name change as outing.
Ds to be three next Tuesday. I’m pregnant so we want to have a special day for his birthday knowing it’s the last we will have Just the three of us.
We have organised a family tea party on the Sunday for relatives, just cake balloons etc and a chance for both sets of grandparents to see him/give presents if they wish etc.
Then my dp and I have both taken the Tuesday off work, to give him presents in the morning, take him out to a local fair that’s here, and later that day we are joining a couple of friends with children similar age, to go for dinner at a local country pub with a play area etc.

My family has been fine with these plans. But mil has expressed that she feels it is unfair she is not seeing ds on his birthday. She wants to come round in the morning of his birthday to watch him open his presents from her on the day.
I have offered if she wants to come the Monday evening, as well as the Sunday to see ds and give gifts then, she is more than welcome. But that the Sunday was really just about us as a little family. She is still unhappy with this, pushing tp come for half an hour the morning of his birthday.

Dp has said would it really be so bad if they came just for half an hour to keep the peace? I think why should she be any different to any of the rest of mine and dps family. If they all insisted on popping in on the day for half an hour at some point, we would have a houseful and wouldn’t get out. I want to put my foot down and refuse. but Im aware that I’m hormonal and possibily having slightly irrational thoughts about my pfbs last birthday before he has a brother or sister, and want to keep him to myself, and may not be completely reasonable at the moment.
I’m really not sure so just wanted some objective opinions.

OP posts:
Isadora2007 · 19/07/2018 19:59

Cross posted with when your father/FiL works. But I still think a combination of family time on his birthday would have been kinder and lessened the “big deal” aspect- mixing it across the day- grandparents from each side at differing times plus Mum and dad time.

glamorousgrandmother · 19/07/2018 19:59

As a grandmother myself I'd be very disappointed to not see my grandson on his actual birthday.
I think you're being a little precious.

Well I'm a grandmother too. I would accept what the OP has decided and watch him open his present from me on the Sunday. He has no idea what day it is and I respect her plan to have a little family day on the actual birthday.

Silentnighttwo · 19/07/2018 20:00

later that day we are joining a couple of friends with children similar age, to go for dinner

Not sure why you’re happy to share DS on his birthday with your friends but not his adoring granny? Seems really mean to me.

RafikiIsTheBest · 19/07/2018 20:02

I agree with you OP. It wouldn't be fair to just allow one set of parents to come around. And I hate that pushy people get their way and considerate people don't. What if your parents found out or if you tell them (eye rolls or not) and they are upset that they can't come too, whether or not they tell you about how they feel.

Saying "DP and I have got a full day of plans arranged so can't do Tuesday. The family party is on Sunday" sounds great to me.
And I'd be telling DP that too. He might be keeping the peace with his parents, but what about keeping the peace with his pregnant wife and his DS's other set of grandparents, plus any other wanna be visitors?

Original poster
Marshmallowflumps1 · 19/07/2018 20:02

I have explained due to Tuesday being a working day for df and fil the family party was not possible.they would have to attend at different times on the Tuesday.

I was thinking to myself what would I prefer if I was a grandmother, seeing my grandchild for half an hour on the morning, then the parents rushing out.
Or, getting an afternoon to celebrate his birthday with him.
I don’t see why she has to be different to my parents who are happy I’m having a little party for him on the Sunday for them to attend and see him then.
Perhaps some people put more focus on the actual day though and would rather a rushed half an hour.

I’m meeting the family friends later in the day, so it is just the three of id for the most part of it. After I’ve hosted family the Sunday, and the inlaws again the Monday.

OP posts:
another20 · 19/07/2018 20:02

You have planned a lovely, emotionally thoughtful range of events for his birthday to include everyone, generously, at suitable times.

You have responded to her request by offering more and adapting your plans (eg the Monday) -- but she is "still pushing" and claiming it is "unfair".......

Remember - givers need to set boundaries because takers rarely do.

Its your family - you call the shots.

Stand firm. Sounds like she has form. Nip this right in the bud.

I dont mind her asking to common Tues - but still whinging when you offer something more -- she is BU.

robindeer · 19/07/2018 20:03

Stick to your plan. Everyone knows the dynamic changes when another child comes along. Enjoy the lovely day you have planned just the three of you. It sounds really special.

As a pp suggested- "that doesn't work for us, but we're looking forward to seeing you on Sunday". No need to explain further and certainly don't frame it as an apology.

SummerbodyIwish · 19/07/2018 20:03

I'm further down the line than you. My do are 14 and 16. Do what you want to do. At the moment this seems so important . In a few years what you did won't matter when you look back. Grandparents are precious and not around for ever. Your son is a lucky little boy

incywincybitofa · 19/07/2018 20:04

I think the niggle is she is insisting/imposing that's the crux of it.
It's a little bit entitled to demand to be there on the day because he's her grandson.
That said you do seem to be sidestepping saying what your DH wants and his thoughts matter as well.

SassitudeandSparkle · 19/07/2018 20:04

Hmm, it sounds more like your own family isn't free on the day but the inlaws are so the family element has been arranged to suit your side! Your DH doesn't agree, did he want to see your friends on the birthday?

You are certainly keen on 'quality time', you mention it a lot! But it's not a day of 'quality time', it's a day that you are seeing your friends.

TabbyMumz · 19/07/2018 20:04

I've never understood why grandmother's think they have a right to see grandchildren on their birthday. Surely it's about the child, not the grandmother. Pretty selfish if you ask me to expect to visit on their actual birthday. Stand firm, or it will never end.

MissVanjie · 19/07/2018 20:04

I think she’s the one being precious

She’s getting to see him open his presents, and the day after. Just keep saying sorry we have plans that day

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/07/2018 20:06

In your place, i would let your ds open some of his presents in front of the gps. At 3 he doesn’t know which day his birthday is. All the presents at once will be overwhelming and he will appreciate the presents much more if opening them in a staggered way at this age.

Coloursthatweremyjoy · 19/07/2018 20:07

The "family before friends" stuff surely depends on your family (and friends). I'd spend time with friends over family in a heartbeat, having the title of 'grandmother' doesn't automatically entitle you to be prioritised.

I have friends who have shown a million times more interest in my children than their grandparents ever did...plus they are more fun. (Well they are).

For what it's worth I always did a tea party for family on the weekend before DCs birthday. As they got older the birthday day was often reserved for their friends. Start as you mean to go on...

MissVanjie · 19/07/2018 20:07

People are getting hung up on the ‘but you’re seeing your friends’ thing - the birthday child is playing with his friends, whose parents happen to be op’s friends

I think if op has taken the day off to do stuff with her ds on his birthday then that’s up to her really. The mil will see him plenty.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/07/2018 20:08

Oops just remembered you’re doing that anyway. I stopped reading half way through and came back to the thread.

bellabasset · 19/07/2018 20:10

The family party has been arranged to fit in with their working patterns. Ds will have a great time opening his presents, family photos can be taken. With presents, balloons and cake all his wider family can share time with him.

He will then have another day out with his parents and friends.

Seems fair to me.

colbyandmontysmum · 19/07/2018 20:10

I'm a grandmother and I think your plans are lovely! YANBU at all. As long as everyone is at his birthday party, it's not important to give him his present on the actual day. You have it all thought out beautifully and you're including everyone. Brilliant!

another20 · 19/07/2018 20:11

And yes your DH needs to be clear that he has YOUR back and not to prioritise HIS discomfort dealing with his "pushy" mother.

Setting boundaries does not make you mean.

You can set limits and expectations for your life and still be 'nice'.

Considering her wishes doesn't mean that you have to do what she thinks you should.

Your own thoughts and feelings are part of the decision and if she doesn't like it - then that belongs to her.

Put this one to bed firmly - and enjoy your day!

llangennith · 19/07/2018 20:13

Another Grandmother here and I think it's fine. YANBU.

cadburyegg · 19/07/2018 20:14

YANBU she is being ridiculous what happens when he’s at school? Will she expect you to keep him off school so she can see him at her convenience?

Our ds is the same age and we always have his party the weekend closest to his birthday.

Readyfortheschoolhols · 19/07/2018 20:14

She just wants her own way.
Nothing to do with anything other than that.

So make sure you have the day you want with your own dc - like she had the opportunity to do back in the day.
I am a dgm and saw dgs on a day that was convenient for ds to bring him.
Dil's family went ott which is their choice, we just had cake and a walk around the park.
She should be happy you are nurturing your family unit -
My dgs's dps were apart before his first birthday sadly.
You have done your upmost to include everyone as it is.

Stand your ground.

Or be a doormat forever more.

Original poster
Marshmallowflumps1 · 19/07/2018 20:16

Sassitude that is rather presumptuous of you. What is difficult for you to understand about df working and fil working at a different time on the day of ds birthday. So we could not have a family party with cake candles etc on the day because either fil or df would not be able to attend.

Also we are meeting friends at 3.30. So that means from 7.00am when ds wakes up, until 3.30 we will be having a lovely relaxed morning with him, then the fair then lunch then going to a fair. So that’s over 8 hours of time when we would usually be at work, the three of us spending it together.
Are you a mil who likes to dictate also?

Some grandparents would probably whinge If there was no opportunity for cake/candles/a few hours to spend as a family with their grandson, and instead were given a half hour slot to come and see their grandchild on the actually birthday, because everyone else is also attending in dribs and drabs on the same day. I honestly think that with some mils you just can’t win.

Also dp and I planned ds birthday together and how we would spend our day off work. He only wants to back down to mil to ‘keep the peace’ not because he thinks we have been unfair towards her or that she has a point.

OP posts:
PullMyFingerPlease · 19/07/2018 20:16

I think you should stand your ground
You have already planned everything
Have a lovely time

iamawoman · 19/07/2018 20:16

She sounds like she is being a competitive grandma! I would let her come round in the eve with your parents after you have been out for the day if you really need to compromise. Or i would say no....as the extended 'family' celebration is sunday.