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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil unreasonable about ds birthday or am I?

351 replies

Marshmallowflumps1 · 19/07/2018 19:20

Name change as outing.
Ds to be three next Tuesday. I’m pregnant so we want to have a special day for his birthday knowing it’s the last we will have Just the three of us.
We have organised a family tea party on the Sunday for relatives, just cake balloons etc and a chance for both sets of grandparents to see him/give presents if they wish etc.
Then my dp and I have both taken the Tuesday off work, to give him presents in the morning, take him out to a local fair that’s here, and later that day we are joining a couple of friends with children similar age, to go for dinner at a local country pub with a play area etc.

My family has been fine with these plans. But mil has expressed that she feels it is unfair she is not seeing ds on his birthday. She wants to come round in the morning of his birthday to watch him open his presents from her on the day.
I have offered if she wants to come the Monday evening, as well as the Sunday to see ds and give gifts then, she is more than welcome. But that the Sunday was really just about us as a little family. She is still unhappy with this, pushing tp come for half an hour the morning of his birthday.

Dp has said would it really be so bad if they came just for half an hour to keep the peace? I think why should she be any different to any of the rest of mine and dps family. If they all insisted on popping in on the day for half an hour at some point, we would have a houseful and wouldn’t get out. I want to put my foot down and refuse. but Im aware that I’m hormonal and possibily having slightly irrational thoughts about my pfbs last birthday before he has a brother or sister, and want to keep him to myself, and may not be completely reasonable at the moment.
I’m really not sure so just wanted some objective opinions.

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 19/07/2018 19:35

We did that for DDs first birthday and I wouldn’t have let one particular person come and not the rest.
It’s your child not hers; some grandparents act very possessively of grandchildren which isn’t always fair on parents

SoyDora · 19/07/2018 19:39

As a grandmother myself I'd be very disappointed to not see my grandson on his actual birthday

Why?? We were staying abroad with the IL’s on DD’s birthday this year, which means my parents didn’t see her until the day after. Normally the IL’s don’t see her on her actual birthday. They all manage to survive, and to celebrate with her on a different day!

Budgiegirlbob · 19/07/2018 19:39

I’m sitting in the fence here - while I agree that it’s up to you how you arrange the day, would it really hurt to let your MIL come round for a little while on the morning of the birthday? I know my MIL lives to see her grandchildren on their actual birthday, and I have always made plans to make sure this can happen, even if it’s just for a fleeting visit. After all, your inlaws are family too.

If you’re worried they may stay too long, just make it crystal clear what time you will be going out.

Original poster
Marshmallowflumps1 · 19/07/2018 19:41

With his birthday being the Tuesday my df is at work early. Fil is working later in the day. So if my parents insisted on seeing him on the day too. we’d be tied in to grandparents visiting different times of the day and wouldn’t be able to do any of the things we have planned.
I just feel like I gave birth to him, I want that day with him when he is little and we just have our one child to lavish with attention for a special occasion. Me and dp both work, we have taken it off to enjoy the day with him. Not spend the day in the house whilst relatives come in dribs and drabs and he will be going crazy In the house and overwhelmed with all the new gifts.

I felt like the Sunday tea party would ensure quality time for everyone to spend with him, I have bought some champagne for my mil and dm to have a glass of fizz, we can do candles on his cake then. Ds will be able to enjoy playing with some of the lovely gifts they have bought for him. I feel more confident that most have agreed with me and I think this is the fairest way to do it. I don’t think this is a case of grandparents being pushed out at all. I’m sticking to my guns.

Also I would hate to sound ungrateful talking about gifts, but I know they have bought him toys, and I always ensure to do thank you cards etc from ds to relatives. This is purely about us enjoying quality time with him on his birthday rather than anything else.

OP posts:
Seasawride · 19/07/2018 19:45

as a grandmother myself

I always fall in with any plans my lovely dils or my sons or dds make.

It’s actually not about me. Stand firm against crap like this op.

huggybear · 19/07/2018 19:46

Can't she just phone him and take to him? Is seeing grandkids on their birthday an actual thing?!

Blueisland · 19/07/2018 19:47

Hmmm but your parents aren’t insisting on seeing him on his birthday. Is there a chance if you explained the situation to them (with lots of eye-rolls), that they’d be fine with it? I think you’re making this sound harder than it needs to be because your mil has annoyed you for being pushy. There is a solution to be found here, if you want it. Maybe there is something else that is making the mil issue bigger than it needs to be?

MilkTrayLimeBarrel · 19/07/2018 19:47

What does it matter? The child does not know the date and will be happy to see his grandparents any time - a birthday is just 24 hours. probably half of which is spent asleep at that age. Don't set such stock by it.

Original poster
Marshmallowflumps1 · 19/07/2018 19:48

Pigsdofly how ridiculous of course my second baby will get a very warm welcome and is much loved.

The family dynamic will change for ds when he has a sibling and I just want to spend some quality 2-1 time with him on his birthday, probably because I am thinking about when he was born etc etc and hoping he will adapt to the change (which of course they all do) but most mums worry about how their toddler will react To a newborn.

OP posts:
PatheticNurse · 19/07/2018 19:49

Don't give in. Otherwise you'll end up with her being with you all day on the Tuesday....

starfishmummy · 19/07/2018 19:50

Yanbu At all. I could have written this years ago and it's been the same ever since.

Good luck!!

sue51 · 19/07/2018 19:50

As a grandmother myself, that sounds just fine. I don't see how anyone could be upset by your plans.

fuzzyfozzy · 19/07/2018 19:50

"We'll be doing cake and presents on Sunday between x and x, ds will be looking forward to seeing all his family at his little party, if you prefer to see him on his birthday we'll be in until 9:30am"
?

Applesandpears23 · 19/07/2018 19:50

YANBU - I always arrange for GPs to come on a different day not the actual birthday so I can keep my children with me rather than running around making cups of tea for other people.

SassitudeandSparkle · 19/07/2018 19:51

Why is it that you are happy to see your own friends on your DS's birthday but not family? It's not just going to be the three of you, is it? I think that's what is bothering MIL tbh.

dustarr73 · 19/07/2018 19:51

Dont give in,but in future dont tell her your plans.

JennieLee · 19/07/2018 19:51

I think with a 3 year old it is very hard for a whole day to be 'special'. There will be times when they are tired or cross or just not wanting to do whatever it is their parents want to do. (There might also be times when you want to nip the shop or have a leisurely shower or catch up with errands.) For there to be a half hour or an hour where a member of extended family is around seems fine to me. But I'm not really that hung up on birthdays. Any day can end up being memorable for one reason or another.

fuzzyfozzy · 19/07/2018 19:52

Also what will happen when he's at school, will they be round at the crack of dawn, people have party days and birthdays.

Budgiegirlbob · 19/07/2018 19:53

Not spend the day in the house whilst relatives come in dribs and drabs

Then just set a time for anyone to come, and limit it to just that time. No need for a succession of people in and out all day.

This is purely about us enjoying quality time with him on his birthday rather than anything else

But you are happy to meet with friends later in the day, so it’s not the case that you want it to be ‘just the three of you.

I’m guess I’m really on your DHs side, would it really hurt? Would you feel the same if it was your parents asking to come round?

Inertia · 19/07/2018 19:53

Yanbu.

You’ve planned for them to come to the party, he’s allowed to open presents from them as they give them.

You’ve made plans. MiL will see him celebrate his birthday- why do you need to change your plans for her to do it twice?

SharronNeedles · 19/07/2018 19:53

Tell her she is being a bit too precious

MalloryLaurel · 19/07/2018 19:55

She got to do this with her own dcs. Your turn. It's not like she isn't seeing him at all.

Original poster
Marshmallowflumps1 · 19/07/2018 19:56

Sassitude because we will have seen family on the Sunday, and mil And fil again if she wishes on the Monday.
We couldn’t do his tea party for the family on the Tuesday because df and fil are working different times. Everyone is off on Sunday.
Ds loves playing with the family friends dc. He will have a great couple of days seeing relatives on Sunday, then time with both parents through the week which is rare, then seeing family friends later that day.

OP posts:
Isadora2007 · 19/07/2018 19:57

I think I’d also be a little bit miffed about your friends with kids seeing my grandson on his birthday when I couldn’t. I dont see why the grandparents couldn’t have been invited for a birthday tea on his birthday and you do the softplay with your friends on the Sunday.

Family comes before friends- or as well as- because you’re not having a “just the 3 of us” day really, are you?

CrazyOldBagLady · 19/07/2018 19:58

Obviously going against the grain here but I would happily let DC see their grand parent on their birthday if the GP was really keen to come over. I’d let her know we had plans so could only entertain for an hour. I think it’s a bit mean spirited to decline, when it obviously means so much to her and would be of little consequence to you.

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