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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil unreasonable about ds birthday or am I?

351 replies

Marshmallowflumps1 · 19/07/2018 19:20

Name change as outing.
Ds to be three next Tuesday. I’m pregnant so we want to have a special day for his birthday knowing it’s the last we will have Just the three of us.
We have organised a family tea party on the Sunday for relatives, just cake balloons etc and a chance for both sets of grandparents to see him/give presents if they wish etc.
Then my dp and I have both taken the Tuesday off work, to give him presents in the morning, take him out to a local fair that’s here, and later that day we are joining a couple of friends with children similar age, to go for dinner at a local country pub with a play area etc.

My family has been fine with these plans. But mil has expressed that she feels it is unfair she is not seeing ds on his birthday. She wants to come round in the morning of his birthday to watch him open his presents from her on the day.
I have offered if she wants to come the Monday evening, as well as the Sunday to see ds and give gifts then, she is more than welcome. But that the Sunday was really just about us as a little family. She is still unhappy with this, pushing tp come for half an hour the morning of his birthday.

Dp has said would it really be so bad if they came just for half an hour to keep the peace? I think why should she be any different to any of the rest of mine and dps family. If they all insisted on popping in on the day for half an hour at some point, we would have a houseful and wouldn’t get out. I want to put my foot down and refuse. but Im aware that I’m hormonal and possibily having slightly irrational thoughts about my pfbs last birthday before he has a brother or sister, and want to keep him to myself, and may not be completely reasonable at the moment.
I’m really not sure so just wanted some objective opinions.

OP posts:
Lethaldrizzle · 19/07/2018 20:17

I'd compromise. You have the whole day. Share the love!

AnneElliott · 19/07/2018 20:18

YANBU. You've arranged a party, he can open his presents and she can come round the day after too.

I think she is being pushy.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 19/07/2018 20:20

I'd definitely stick to the more than fair plans that you have already made. Have a lovely day with your DS on his birthday.
Your MIL has nothing to gripe about.

Gillian1980 · 19/07/2018 20:21

Yanbu.

Dd is 3 next week. Little party for friends this weekend, family tea the weekend after. The day itself is midweek and just the 3 of us. Nobody has had a problem with this plan.

another20 · 19/07/2018 20:22

Yes watch your DP here....you BOTH planned the day....then he is prepared to disrupt it to "keep the peace" with his DM!! He is not prioritising you, your DS, your plans already in place made together - rather he is prioritising HIS DISCOMFORT with his DM.

Call him on it.

Perfectly1mperfect · 19/07/2018 20:22

I can see both sides.

She should of course respect your plans and you have made sure that she gets time with her grandchild close to his birthday. But it's a special day and she would like to see him so I couldn't be too annoyed with her if I was you, unless there's a history of her trying to control what you do.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 19/07/2018 20:24

I think if op has taken the day off to do stuff with her ds on his birthday then that’s up to her really.

I agree.

DPotter · 19/07/2018 20:25

I think your plan sounds lovely.
I totally understand you would like to spend the day with your DS and DH.
Adding a granny into the mix, changes the whole dynamic - will she go after half an hour, or will she angle to be included in your plans for the rest of the day, will your DS be upset she leaves after half an hour?
No stick to your plans and if she turns up anyway - don't let her in! OK maybe that's going too far ..............

SaveBandit · 19/07/2018 20:25

Stick to your guns. As someone who has had to do this with in laws - SIL tried to rearrange the whole day to fit in with her and her dogs AngryMIL had booked a photographer without telling me and then tried to get everyone to go to her house instead. It was a nightmare and I'm so glad DH was on my side and we stuck together.

You enjoy your special day with your child. It's not precious at all and you're certainly not being unreasonable. You've been accommodating enough!

Chocolate1756 · 19/07/2018 20:26

I absolutely understand where you’re coming from OP. As a working parent, and pregnant with your second child, of course you want to spend your son’s birthday with him without dealing with interruptions from visiting family members. Particularly as you will be hosting a get together for family members on the Sunday before AND you have specifically booked the Tuesday off work to spend time with your son. Your mother in law is being completely unreasonable. And as for the previous posters asking why it’s such a big deal for the mother in law to “just” pop round on the Tuesday... ummm there is no “just” popping round - the OP will end up having to make tea/coffee for the mother in law, small talk with the mother in law, basically resulting in her spending less time with her son. And even though other family members haven’t asked to come round on the Tuesday YET you can be sure that they will once they hear that mother in law is allowed to come. I’m sorry but some of the previous posters really have no idea - when you work it is a BIG deal to be able to spend a whole day just as your own family unit. And it sounds like the OP’s mother in law has no idea either. No idea and no respect for your feelings OP.

OP, stand firm and tell your mother in law she is not invited on Tuesday. If you give in to this you can bet that she will be round on every birthday in the future.

Readyfortheschoolhols · 19/07/2018 20:27

Remind your dh it's you he needs to keep sweet.
The dw he made vows to....

Stillme1 · 19/07/2018 20:28

It is a bit precious to say you are going to have the last birthday just the 3 of you before the new baby arrives. That makes it look like the new baby is going to cause damage by arriving into the group of 3. DMIL is in trouble too for wanting to change things
Life is one long list of things which change and people have to be flexible. This rigid view that Grandparents are being pushy trying to see Grandchildren is mostly wrong, They love the little children and just want to be with them. It is not a battle to disrupt the parents' views.

Chocolate1984 · 19/07/2018 20:30

I probably would have had Dinner with friends on the Sunday & let family see him on his proper birthday.

RandomMess · 19/07/2018 20:35

MIL is making a mountain out of a molehill. Stick with your plans.

alphajuliet123 · 19/07/2018 20:35

As my mum always says; "it's the day, not the date" and his birthday with them is Sunday. Make sure he opens all his presents that day. Be honest and tell her it wouldn't be fair as your parents can't be there, then have a fantastic day out!

cptartapp · 19/07/2018 20:36

YANBU. MIL chose how to handle her DC birthdays when they were younger, now you choose how to handle yours. Her wants do not override yours. Compromise on this and you'll be forever backing down. Why do some grandparents have to shoehorn themselves into everything? PIL do this and now young teens, the GC are rather fed up of it tbh. Stick to your guns.

1frenchfoodie · 19/07/2018 20:38

YANBU, especially as you will let him open GPs presents on the sunday. MIL sounds a bit demanding.

Seasawride · 19/07/2018 20:39

See I don’t like to hear things like my mil lives to see the grandchildren on their birthdays

What a situation. Seriously people need more in their lives than just grandchildren.

GreenTulips · 19/07/2018 20:39

Why do some people bend over backwards to be so accommodating?

Some people don't know how to 'pop' round and sit there for hours or expect an invitation to the fair or other activities -

She's get to see him and having a set time helps OP prepare food - and knows they'll leave at x time -

It's horrible trying to get someone to leave when you have plans and need to get yourselves ready!

What if OP had decided to go to work instead? Nobody would see him then would they?

MrsAidanTurner · 19/07/2018 20:39

Op it sounds lovely, people fall out so much, it's great you have this lovely time planned with him! Who cares if friends see him first.. Would ds rather see his little mates on his bday and have a play or granny?! As much as he loves granny...

Having said that... If dm was alive there is no way I wouldn't have her along for everything.. Because she was devoted to us, adored us, was kind and never ever demanding.
Mil on the other hand is spiteful, Childish, demands all the time and ruins every occasion... So she would be very much related to special hour in this situation.

Randomuser789 · 19/07/2018 20:40

huggybear I saw my grandparents every year I can remember, both sides!

It’s very normal in my family to all see the birthday child after work on the actual birthday. So for me it’s a bit mean, but not every family is the same as mine clearly.

Zaphodsotherhead · 19/07/2018 20:42

I'm a grandmother too and I don't give a stuff about 'seeing them on their birthday'. As long as I can see them open their present from me, whatever day I take it round (as OP has said she's happy to do) what's so sacred about 'the day it'self'?

You do your thing, OP. He's your son, not hers.

Seasawride · 19/07/2018 20:43

Oh ffs!

Op has made lovely inclusive sensible plans.

Why wouldn’t tutu want to see friends with kids? Why do they have to see him on the day Jesus o am so glad being a gran hasn’t frazzled my brain to this extent.

Original poster
Marshmallowflumps1 · 19/07/2018 20:46

There is a history of controlling behaviour from mil. I won’t go into it but she likes to have things her own way and it has been the source of a few arguments between dh and I. Another you make a good point. When dh gets in from work later I do plan to discuss with him the that he should stick with plans we have made, and only want to change things if he really believes that a situation has been unfair, not because he just wants her to be happy and screw everyone else. What if my parents were then to ask could they come later in the day? If one set of grandparents has been how could we refuse? Then it would either be my parents are upset or we allow them to come too, then the whole days plans out the window.

I sometimes worry (rather prematurely admittedly), having a ds myself, about being pushed out when ds Grows up and perhaps has his own family, as some mils seem to be. But I think all of this has been kept very fair and backing down to mil could be unfair on my parents.
If my future dil invites me to birthday parties, to see my grandchild with tea, cake and fizz and is happy to have me at her home to spend quality time with grandchild as much as the other grandparents, I’d be really happy with this.
The most important person in this is ds and I think he will be delighted getting presents for three days in a row, see all of his favourite people and generally be spoiled rotten.

OP posts:
Laiste · 19/07/2018 20:51

We reap exactly what we sow OP. I'm sure you'll be a fine MIL as it sounds like you'll have had a few years of being shown how NOT to do it by then Wink Don't worry about what'll happen when you're a MIL when your son is only 3 anyway!

SaveBandit - Stick to your guns. As someone who has had to do this with in laws - SIL tried to rearrange the whole day to fit in with her and her dogs

Oooh did you have a thread or two about that at the time? Couple of years ago? If so i remember it!