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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil unreasonable about ds birthday or am I?

351 replies

Marshmallowflumps1 · 19/07/2018 19:20

Name change as outing.
Ds to be three next Tuesday. I’m pregnant so we want to have a special day for his birthday knowing it’s the last we will have Just the three of us.
We have organised a family tea party on the Sunday for relatives, just cake balloons etc and a chance for both sets of grandparents to see him/give presents if they wish etc.
Then my dp and I have both taken the Tuesday off work, to give him presents in the morning, take him out to a local fair that’s here, and later that day we are joining a couple of friends with children similar age, to go for dinner at a local country pub with a play area etc.

My family has been fine with these plans. But mil has expressed that she feels it is unfair she is not seeing ds on his birthday. She wants to come round in the morning of his birthday to watch him open his presents from her on the day.
I have offered if she wants to come the Monday evening, as well as the Sunday to see ds and give gifts then, she is more than welcome. But that the Sunday was really just about us as a little family. She is still unhappy with this, pushing tp come for half an hour the morning of his birthday.

Dp has said would it really be so bad if they came just for half an hour to keep the peace? I think why should she be any different to any of the rest of mine and dps family. If they all insisted on popping in on the day for half an hour at some point, we would have a houseful and wouldn’t get out. I want to put my foot down and refuse. but Im aware that I’m hormonal and possibily having slightly irrational thoughts about my pfbs last birthday before he has a brother or sister, and want to keep him to myself, and may not be completely reasonable at the moment.
I’m really not sure so just wanted some objective opinions.

OP posts:
ThanosSavedMe · 25/07/2018 08:10

I knew she’d turn up.

Don’t get the key back, she will already have another cut just in case. Change your locks.

And if she questions why you don’t give her another key be honest with her. Tell her that she completely overstepped the boundaries by turning up yesterday morning and letting herself in. Let her know that you know it was bullshit that she forgot a present.

She’s not afraid of upsetting you, don’t be afraid of upsetting her.

Or you could carry on with her getting worse and worse and you getting more and more resentful

VanillaSugar · 25/07/2018 09:08

Won't she just demand a new key even if the locks are changed?

TheIcon · 25/07/2018 09:09

She wont know if they don't tell her. The witch will only find out if she tries to let herself in.

CraftyYankee · 25/07/2018 09:14

Thelcon that is brilliant. OP think of the entertainment value of being inside, listening to MIL rattle the key and not understanding why it doesn't work! Grin

dontknowwhattodo80 · 25/07/2018 09:39

I'd stand your ground on this one

My parents are similar, and it does grate on me. They've had their turn as parents to me and my brother when we were little, and now they've got grandchildren they try and control what we do. As a mum, I get no say over Christmas - my boys are 9 & 14 and we've never had Christmas at home how id like it.

They also think they are more important than anyone else - including my in laws- and always want first dibs of everything.

Most of my issue is they are much stronger characters than I am, and are good at laying on the emotion if something doesn't go their way.

Some people think I should be grateful they are so keen to see my children, but personally I find it a bit suffocating!

I have started putting my foot down, with hard hat in position!! My children are getting older and I want more say over how we live our lives

Suresurelah · 25/07/2018 10:41

What you proposed in the OP was entirely reasonabale. I’ve never had family over on my DC’s birthday and always had a separate party.

She’s trampling all over your boundaries so either get the key back or change the locks. Personally, I would change the locks as that way you avoid the dramatics/tantrums from her.

HattieAndHerBoy · 25/07/2018 10:48

OP, Im a grandmother many times over and I have to say I think she's being a bit silly even though I can well understand her. I found I was exceedingly daft when I had my first grandchild but having so many now has toned me down quite a bit. But that said I would never have intentionally done anything to upset my daughters or daughters in law pregnant or not.

HattieAndHerBoy · 25/07/2018 10:49

Ive now read the full thread.

Sorry Op.

mushlett · 25/07/2018 11:16

Why does anyone think the plans should be changed for the OP’s MIL just because she’s complained? How is that fair on her own mother?
I hate these situations where people back down to the person who complains when the people who don’t (OP’s parents) just go along with the original plans. Why would this situation be fair?

Maelstrop · 25/07/2018 11:19

I knew she’d do this. What a bitch, determined to get her own way. Key back and strict on them having to phone before coming round, no exceptions.

Nanny0gg · 25/07/2018 11:25

I have keys to my children's homes. They are never used without permission and I wouldn't dream of letting myself in if they were home!

That's what doorbells are for.

Your DP needs to deal with her pronto.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 25/07/2018 11:35

I have an aunt like this. Luckily, she doesn't have a key to our house.

squarecat · 25/07/2018 11:41

Swap the locks on the front door and the back door - that way she still has the 'right' key just not to the front door!

ThanosSavedMe · 25/07/2018 11:52

Just because she demands a new key doesn’t mean you have to give her one vanilla!

WhatchaMaCalllit · 25/07/2018 12:00

OMG!!!

Why didn't one or both of you tackle them on letting themselves into your home?? It wasn't an emergency so if they have a key for "emergency" purposes, you need to make it crystal clear that this wasn't that. This was a prime opportunity to at least tackle that issue.
Agree 100% about getting your DP to do the talking to his parents about this. This is not coming from you alone it's coming from both of you.
I had been reading the thread and hoped that they wouldn't rock up to your house yesterday but this was your MiL making it clear that she rules the roost and to hell with you.
You've got to nip this in the bud and the sooner the better as she will only keep on pushing those boundaries to get what she wants.

Inertia · 25/07/2018 12:29

No surprises there - glad to see that your DH sent them on their way. I expect they thought that you’d be pushovers, as you were so accommodating on Sunday evening.

You definitely need to change the locks, otherwise they’ll be letting themselves in as they like once the baby arrives. And you and DH will both need to not answer the door to visitors if it isn’t convenient for you.

JennyWoodentop · 25/07/2018 17:02

I second the advice about changing the locks.
I would limit the information you give her in future - the less she knows about your plans, the less she can trample over them & try to rearrange things to suit her.

Bahhhhhumbug · 25/07/2018 18:22

I can't get over her letting herself in. What an entitled bitch... you could have been walking round starkers or anything. If someone has a key to a family members house it is usually for emergencies or to let yourself in when you are out with your permission. I have a key to my dd's house but wouldn't dream of using it unless l was watching her house whilst she was away or she had asked me if l could let the dog out when passing as she was held up at work or whatever. When l visit her unexpectedly (Can't remember ever doing this tbh l would always ring first) l bloody well knock if the door is locked and even if it's unlocked l will shout hello and not just walk in unannounced, even when the door is propped open in this heat l will knock on it.
She is a control freak imo and just had to win the battle.

Bahhhhhumbug · 25/07/2018 18:23

Out of interest why has she got a key?

Original poster
Marshmallowflumps1 · 25/07/2018 19:38

They have had the key for several years now. First got it when we went away on holiday, as a sort of emergency thing. Occasionally she looks after ds at ours I’m her day when I’m at work, this is usually when she has her other sister who comes to stay for a week every so often, or when fil has been working particularly late and doesn’t want the early bird wake up call of me dropping ds off.
But when I go on maternity leave she shouldn’t need the key at all. And I think I may change the locks. This letting herself into the house started when I had ds. They wouldn’t leave me along let themselves in every day coming to ‘help’.
Dp wouldn’t do anything about it at the time he said they were trying to be helpful whilst he was out at work. So little wonder my breastfeeding failed I couldn’t even gaurantee privacy in my own home.

OP posts:
FrayedHem · 25/07/2018 19:42

I think your DH needs to have a word. You can change the locks but she will still come and knock. If you're home with your new baby, won't your DS hear the door? It will be a bit awkward telling your 3 year old to ignore grandma. You should still change the locks btw but I think you need to consider what is going to happen on maternity leave.

Original poster
Marshmallowflumps1 · 25/07/2018 19:44

Goodness I’m reading this back thinking how much we have been pushovers.
It was hard though, I suffered with pnd with ds after a horrible birth, and I couldn’t male a decision about what to make for breakfast some days, let alone put my foot down with the inlaws.
I think this just set the stall out for how they thought they could go on.
I’ve realised for a while how controlling it is and only now is dp getting his head around it all and seeing my point of view. He has promised he will back me up this time. I hope so.

OP posts:
FrayedHem · 25/07/2018 19:50

It's just one of those things that can creep up over time. But now you realise you can't even quietly enjoy your own home, it's time to assert some boundaries. She won't like it, but it's better that DP deals with it now, rather than a big showdown when you've got a newborn to care for as well.

80sMum · 25/07/2018 19:51

Blimey, this is a long thread! I haven't time to read it all, but I completely agree with what seesawride said. It's a long way upthread, so here it is again.

"as a grandmother myself

I always fall in with any plans my lovely dils or my sons or dds make.

It’s actually not about me. Stand firm against crap like this op".

Bahhhhhumbug · 25/07/2018 23:56

Will your dh stand up for you about the key do you think. I bet she'll really see her arse about that. Take the key off her rather than change the locks would be better imo otherwise it's not telling her directly you don't want her to have one. Also l would seriously look into childcare to break her hold over you (as she sees it)