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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil unreasonable about ds birthday or am I?

351 replies

Marshmallowflumps1 · 19/07/2018 19:20

Name change as outing.
Ds to be three next Tuesday. I’m pregnant so we want to have a special day for his birthday knowing it’s the last we will have Just the three of us.
We have organised a family tea party on the Sunday for relatives, just cake balloons etc and a chance for both sets of grandparents to see him/give presents if they wish etc.
Then my dp and I have both taken the Tuesday off work, to give him presents in the morning, take him out to a local fair that’s here, and later that day we are joining a couple of friends with children similar age, to go for dinner at a local country pub with a play area etc.

My family has been fine with these plans. But mil has expressed that she feels it is unfair she is not seeing ds on his birthday. She wants to come round in the morning of his birthday to watch him open his presents from her on the day.
I have offered if she wants to come the Monday evening, as well as the Sunday to see ds and give gifts then, she is more than welcome. But that the Sunday was really just about us as a little family. She is still unhappy with this, pushing tp come for half an hour the morning of his birthday.

Dp has said would it really be so bad if they came just for half an hour to keep the peace? I think why should she be any different to any of the rest of mine and dps family. If they all insisted on popping in on the day for half an hour at some point, we would have a houseful and wouldn’t get out. I want to put my foot down and refuse. but Im aware that I’m hormonal and possibily having slightly irrational thoughts about my pfbs last birthday before he has a brother or sister, and want to keep him to myself, and may not be completely reasonable at the moment.
I’m really not sure so just wanted some objective opinions.

OP posts:
ChimesAtMidnight · 19/07/2018 20:53

I'm a grandmother and I never see my grandchildren on their actual birthdays as a) they are at school / nursery, and b) they live hours away.
Any and all days I spend with them are precious, and I don't get upset because I can't see them on their birthdays.

NoraButty · 19/07/2018 20:54

I think what you've planned is very thoughtful and inclusive. I also think your MIL is rude to complain that it's unfair, she's not being left out, she gets the same as the other grandparents therefore it is fair.

CeeMe32 · 19/07/2018 20:54

I honestly cant believe how many people are not reading what the OP is writing!!! THE TUESDAY DOES NOT SUIT DF OR FIL!!!!

OP your plans are fine. Everyone is being accomodated and spending time with your DS. There is no need for MIL to attend on his actual birthday when you have plans. If she comes on the tuesday she will sit for ages and you’ll never get out for your lovely day.

ElementalHalfLife · 19/07/2018 20:55

Does DH not get a say in this? He doesn't seem to think it a problem for his parents to come around for 30 mins or so on the day. I dunno I just get the impression it's more a controlling/digging your heels in just because rather than there being any real obstacle to them coming for a short time before you go out. I also agree it seems a bit off to rule out family seeing your son on this 'special last birthday of just the 3 of you' yet your friends can get to spend time with you all.

AndBabyMakes3 · 19/07/2018 20:59

Stick with your original plans OP, sounds lovely and like your DS will really enjoy his birthday celebrations over the couple of days. MIL can suck it up; what if you moved far away...would she travel to visit you every year to be with him on his birthday? If you allow it this year, when does it end? When he is 18/21/30 (with his own DP and DC perhaps)?! Put your foot down now while you can!!

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 19/07/2018 21:10

@ElementalHalfLife yes, the DH did get a say in this, he happily agreed to their original plan but because his mum kicked up a fuss he wants to change it to please her.

GreenTulips · 19/07/2018 21:19

He doesn't seem to think it a problem for his parents to come around

Well it's an issue for his WIFE to change plans THEY made ......

Which is the whole point of the thread

sockunicorn · 19/07/2018 21:21

dont let it start OP. Otherwise you will have to give in EVERY year and will have EVERY family member round. You have arranged a day for them to see him. youve included them. thats enough.

GoodEnough1 · 19/07/2018 21:23

I can relate to your feelings as I was probably very similar many moons ago, so I understand. And yes you are a bit hormonal I think. Try to think of the bigger pictures, let MIL have her half hour, and just chill. Enjoy the birthday celebrations and don't get maudlin about it being the end of something, it's not! These are precious times for you, try to relax and enjoy them without trying to control too much. I really mean that kindly. Hope you have a lovely celebration both Sunday and Tuesday.

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 19/07/2018 21:23

"givers need to set boundaries because takers rarely do"

^ What another20 said I'm stealing this line

YANBU OP, have a lovely day on DS's birthday.

Original poster
Marshmallowflumps1 · 19/07/2018 21:25

Thanks to everyone who has replied, who have read my posts properly, and understands we can’t do the family party on the Tuesday as either my df or fil couldn’t attend, I’m not stopping ds opening presents from his grandparents in front of them regardless of the day, and we are having the majority of ds birthday just the three of us, not with our friends. Also that my dp actually agrees in principle with me, he’s just a bit of a wuss when it comes to upsetting his mum. Whether you agree with me or not thanks for input.

Im surprised at the few comments about me being precious about being a family of three/me sounding negative towards the new baby. I read so many threads on here from mums worrying how their pfb will react to a new baby and that slightly guilty feeling that in the near future he won’t be my sole top priority, numer 1 spot will be shared with his sibling. I thought my feelings wore probably fairly normal if not expected. Even though I know there’s going to be so many benefits for him to have a sibling, and for all of us to be a family of four, I am feeling wistful that my baby boy is three, going to school nursery soon, so I may not even have the day with him on his birthday next year, and ds is just generally getting bigger and will have to share his mummy and daddy soon. I will get over it, of course, (said whilst almost breaking into a hormonal sob).
No I really will Grin, but I do want him to have a fab birthday for the last time being an only child!

OP posts:
Seasawride · 19/07/2018 21:27

Well if the op is hormonal so are plenty of grans on this thread.Hmm

Op I have 4 grown up sons and I never feel left out because I treat my dils with respect and love.

You don’t loose your sons unless you deserve to.

incywincybitofa · 19/07/2018 21:30

Honestly I suspect this is more about Mil having control over the situation and making it about her being the special person.
I also think it's reasonable for the OP to celebrate them being a 3 for the last time, 3 I assume has been lovely so lovely they want to grow to 4, but 3 has been enjoyable and they want to enjoy that one more time before they start celebrating being a 4.

Strawberry2017 · 19/07/2018 21:31

Your current plan is fair on everyone and spreads out the celebration. I think you have made lovely plans and I think you need to stick to them.
MIL needs to understand that she can't be there for every single special occasion.
It's not realistic.
There are going to be many times you can't make it work
I can completely understand you wanting a special day before you have the new baby.
Do it and don't give her another thought.

ItsNachoCheese · 19/07/2018 21:34

The way you have planned things sounds just fine. If mil is isnt happy then thats her problem not yours

Seasawride · 19/07/2018 21:39

Having said that my youngest dd is dating a lovely lad but he’s an only child and mum texted him to see if he’s had breakfast and wearing sun cream. He’s 19! Poor dd Grin

Seasawride · 19/07/2018 21:40

It’s deffo about mil being top gran.

Daft cow

Laiste · 19/07/2018 21:44

I totally understand the 'last few weeks with eldest child' thing OP. It's not just you and it doesn't mean deep down you don't really want the new baby or anything bloody daft like that!

It's all wrapped up with preparing for big change and being hormonal and hoping you're going to get it right by the existing child/children.

I've got 4 DCs and each time i've added to the family i've worried about how the dynamics will change ect. It'd be more odd not to IMO ! Flowers

elliejjtiny · 19/07/2018 21:49

What you're doing sounds lovely. We did similar for ds1 on his first birthday, party on the Sunday before and family day just us 3 on his actual birthday. I had pnd and I thought ds's 1st birthday might be quite emotional and overwhelming so I wanted the day to be just me, him and dh. Grandparents were fine about it, I think out of all the birthdays my parents have seen my sons on their birthday once and my in-laws maybe 5 times. 5 dc and eldest is 12 so a lot of birthdays when they didn't see grandparents.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 19/07/2018 21:57

I would be upset as a grandmother to realise you were excluding family from a child's birthday to go out with friends instead.

As for "I just feel like I gave birth to him, I want that day with him" makes it sound weird. Is your husband not an equal parent or does he simply get no say as he couldn't give birth.

lulu12345 · 19/07/2018 21:58

She sounds a bit full on but personally I'd agree with your husband that 30 mins is due to keep them happy. I think you should try and see it from your child's perspective, and what would they want, not just on that particular day but throughout their life. They're lucky to have a GP that's so keen to spend time with them and personally I'd be doing whatever I could to nurture that relationship, and key occasion dates like birthdays are important to that.

Anonnymouse54321 · 19/07/2018 21:58

Your plans sound just fine OP. Stick with them. I also felt like that when I was pregnant with my second. I really wanted time with just my PFB before having DC2.

DPotter · 19/07/2018 22:11

But lets be honest - it is't going to be just 30 mins is it ? The MIL has history of controlling, she'll ask the grandson if she can come with him to the fair, she'll upset the timing and dynamic of the lovely day OP has planned for her family. She has a lovely day planned for Sunday - the whole family, cakes, balloons, fizz but she wants more.

OP you could play perverse and say right you can come on Tuesday, but that's Sunday cancelled and everyone comes on Tuesday. Oh what FIL is working and can't come - well that's a shame / tough.

Not everyone can join in everything - a line needs to be drawn.

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 19/07/2018 22:13

Yanbu.

It's like the birth threads. Grandparents feel like they are owed x amount of time with their grandchildren. It should be about the child, not the grandparent.

I understand if she never got to see him or you were insisting he doesn't open the presents when she's there but that's not the case.

I understand what you mean with family fine. You love your second but it does mean you can't give all your attention to another child so it's nice when you can.

Confusedbeetle · 19/07/2018 22:15

As a grandmother, I wouldn't be the least upset by this arrangement