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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to even consider having this baby agt my age?

174 replies

Pennyplumb · 19/07/2018 19:07

I have name changed for this one....

I just turned 42 last week and now I've discovered I'm pregnant! I was on the pill so it was a total shock. My DH is adamant that I should not keep the baby and that he's leaving me if I do (its not just a threat we've been struggling for years). I told him that's fine - I was left some money by my granddad a few months ago so I can just afford to buy him out of the house but I would struggle to raise four children and pay the mortgage/bills. He also made a big point out of the fact that I would be 47 when dc starts school and 60 when they are leaving school and what would happen to them if I became ill? I would hate to think that my age could be a hindrance to my child growing up? any advice welcome.

OP posts:
Game0fScones · 19/07/2018 19:10

I adopted at 44. Ten years later I'm very happy and still loving every minute 😊. But it's a very personal choice.

Felixandtheflippers · 19/07/2018 19:12

Do you want this little baby?

Game0fScones · 19/07/2018 19:12

And of course I don't have any other children which is probably a big difference as I have just noticed you already have three? I had just wanted to say that I haven't found my age a problem, yet anyway.

formerbabe · 19/07/2018 19:13

I think your age is irrelevant. Plenty of women nowadays have children at your age. The bigger question is do you want to become a single mother of four and can you manage financially, practically and emotionally?

Original poster
Pennyplumb · 19/07/2018 19:13

oops forgot to say I already have 3 dd's who are 13,11 and 10 and I am a little worried about how they will take to a new baby.

OP posts:
milkjetmum · 19/07/2018 19:13

My colleague had her 3rd at 44 and I really admire her! Do what is right for you now, no one can predict what will happen in 5 or 10 years, and at least statistically the average life expectancy for women is 80odd so plenty of time!

CountFosco · 19/07/2018 19:14

Your age is not the problem, your DH is. Lots of women have children in their 40s and always have, don't let that be a reason to terminate if you don't want to.

Your 'D'H needs to remember he is the children's father and even if this was an accident he is still financially responsible for them even if he doesn't want to live with you any more. And if he is going to leave get a lawyer, get your share of his pension and don't buy him out of the house unless generous maintenance payments are in place.

Fridaygap · 19/07/2018 19:15

What? The world is full of 42 year old mothers. I had my last at 41. A spring chicken, veritably.

More importantly OP, you sound like you do want this baby. No relationship could survive an abortion the mother didn't want.

You have sex, you accept there's a risk of a baby.

VoodooCroll · 19/07/2018 19:15

Surely your inheritance is joint money if you're married?

seventhgonickname · 19/07/2018 19:16

I was just short of 42 when I had DD.If I get I'll she still has a father.
Just a work of warning on the inheritance ,since your married that is a shared pot.
I think that if the threat is if you have is baby he will leave it already means your marriage is over.

Fridaygap · 19/07/2018 19:16

Ie he's a knob.

Loopytiles · 19/07/2018 19:17

Sounds like your relationship is over. Sad The money you inherited may legally be your H’s too, so you may not be able to use it to buy him out of the house, you’d need legal advice on that.

In your situation I would be really sad about it but would have an abortion because of the likely difficulties of being a single parent to three teens and a newborn.

Original poster
Pennyplumb · 19/07/2018 19:17

I wouldn't mind being a single mum, dh works away a lot so is mostly only home at weekends anyway, I would struggle financially for a while and have to go back to work quite quickly, its just such a big disruption to everyones lives.

OP posts:
SugarIsAmazing · 19/07/2018 19:18

I personally would be horrified and I'm 38...but you're the one who would be starting all over again, most likely as a single mum. It's ok with the easiest bit - the baby stage but then you have the mundane school runs when you've almost finished yours.

picklemepopcorn · 19/07/2018 19:19

You aren't too old. The older children have potential to be a huge help with the baby. I'm not suggesting you use them as slave Labour, but you'll be able to cook a meal or have a shower.

If I had to choose between a baby and your DH, I'd definitely choose the baby!

Calmingvibrations · 19/07/2018 19:19

I had a baby early 40s and I’m still standing! It was tricky, but only because of long standing health issues.
You’ve already got kids, so you’re a pro - you’ve got this! If you want the baby, then have it. It’s not as if you’re 60; 40 isn’t old.
You’ll find a way (if you want to). Your kids will adjust.

Montsti · 19/07/2018 19:20

I had my 4th at 41...you’re definitely not too old...if you want the baby, I think you’ll really regret having an abortion and you will possibly split up anyway as it’s a big decision...As a pp said, your age isn’t the problem here.:.

restingbf · 19/07/2018 19:21

If this was your first baby I'd be saying go for it as plenty of women have babies at your age. But you already have 3 children.. Personally I wouldn't keep the baby if I was in your position, but that's a personal choice..I couldn't cope as a single mum of 4..but plenty do do it and i take my hat off to them. I have 2 dc now that are 7&8 and the thought of having a 3rd terrifies me as we have a lot more freedom now etc..I couldn't do the sleepless nights/feeds/potty training etc all over again.

NetballHoop · 19/07/2018 19:22

I was 37 when I got pregnant with number 4. We thought long and hard about it but both agreed we wanted to go ahead with both the pregnancy and the vasectomy.

DS4 is now 15 and I really do not feel like an "old parent". You are 5 years further along but I don't see a problem.

Bluntness100 · 19/07/2018 19:22

I'd also check the inheritance with a lawyer, legally it could be half his anyway as you're married.

It's fine for him to say he doesn't want another baby. Your relationship is struggling anyway, and yes a baby would probably end it even if he didn't leave.

So I guess the question is how much do you want the baby. It will end your marriage either way, even if you terminate you may resent him for it. So consider that over and then decide if you can cope with another child. Financially as well as emotionally and logistically.

Hoppinggreen · 19/07/2018 19:23

It’s not your age that’s the issue, it’s your family set up.
DH doesnt want another child and you have 3 other children and it sounds like you May struggle with no 4 on your own. I would be concerned about your other dc - a new baby arrives and your husband leaves, there’s going to be some resentment caused.
The decision is yours and even if you decide NOT to have this baby you should probably ditch your husband anyway, he doesn’t sound great.

Loopytiles · 19/07/2018 19:23

Your three DC are already going to be upset by the break-up, and you returning to WoH, a new sibling doesn’t seem to be in their best interests.

Brandnewstart · 19/07/2018 19:25

I’m having my third (surprise) baby at the age of 40 after my partner's vasectomy appears to have reversed itself Confused. My other two are 14 and 10. It’s not ideal and we have still got a lot to sort out in terms of moving in together etc, but I’ve decided to go with it. What will be, will be. I’m not telling you what to decision to make OP but just letting you know there are people in similar positions x

givemesteel · 19/07/2018 19:25

If I was with someone who threatened to leave me if i didn't have an abortion then the relationship would be over regardless of what I decided to do.

Whatever role a father plays in the termination of a pregnancy, it is you that has to live deciding to actually going through with it.

So it's your choice. I'd be speaking to a divorce lawyer though to understand what percentage split you'd get. With 4 DC, with one being unborn, I imagine it woukd be weighted heavily in your favour.

CoolCarrie · 19/07/2018 19:26

He could well leave you any way, if you have been struggling. If you feel you can cope on your own, and your children won’t resent the new baby and If you really want another child then go ahead. In your shoes I wouldn’t have another child, I would seriously get out of the marriage all together.