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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to even consider having this baby agt my age?

174 replies

Pennyplumb · 19/07/2018 19:07

I have name changed for this one....

I just turned 42 last week and now I've discovered I'm pregnant! I was on the pill so it was a total shock. My DH is adamant that I should not keep the baby and that he's leaving me if I do (its not just a threat we've been struggling for years). I told him that's fine - I was left some money by my granddad a few months ago so I can just afford to buy him out of the house but I would struggle to raise four children and pay the mortgage/bills. He also made a big point out of the fact that I would be 47 when dc starts school and 60 when they are leaving school and what would happen to them if I became ill? I would hate to think that my age could be a hindrance to my child growing up? any advice welcome.

OP posts:
herecomesthsun · 19/07/2018 19:57

Each to their own.
It really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, this is your life and your decision.

Good luck Flowers

zeebeedee · 19/07/2018 19:58

I found myself accidentally pregnant at 39. Existing children then aged 8 and 10. DH was unhappy, and talked about leaving if pregnancy continued. I did consider abortion, but decided it wasn't for me. Looking ahead the options were

  • have baby, DH leaves, I bring up 3 kids alone - not great but doable, parents nearby, lots of good friends. *have baby DH ok, all good *have abortion, become more and more resentful, marriage ends anyway, no baby, no husband.

I decided to go ahead anyway, and 3 months after DC3 was born DH lost his job, and has been the main carer ever since. His bond with this child is better than with the older ones, my career has blossomed.

Obviously you're not wrong to consider whether this pregnancy should continue, and think hard about the impact on your other children, but don't let your DH pressure one way or another.

DancingDot · 19/07/2018 19:58

In Scotland, inheritance is NOT a joint asset in divorce settlement and in England and Wales, it is not automatically a joint asset so do seek advice on this.

Your husband has put your family in a situation that I'm not sure you can come back from. Either you terminate the pregnancy and resent him which is likely to lead to divorce, or you continue with the pregnancy and he leaves. Either way you may well end up in a separated family.

Seek legal advice now, gather all bank statements, pension information etc and do not agree to be buying him out of the mortgage until you have done this.

You made this child together - he is equally responsible for this accident even if he doesn't want to accept that and it is up to him whether or not he chooses to be a part of that child's life, but I can't imagine your existing children having much time for a man who has decided to abandon their sibling. Unless, of course, he has decided that he doesn't want to be their dad either.

Iused2BanOptimist · 19/07/2018 19:59

I was 40 and 42 when I had mine. My next door neighbour stunned everybody including herself by finding herself unexpectedly pregnant at 51! A much loved child. And your older children will adore the new baby and be able to help you.
As for your husband, I will give you the advice I once gave another woman in a similar situation:
Abortion is a woman's choice and not for the man's convenience. Being coerced into an abortion eats away at a marriage. It causes resentment and depression. I've seen it with people I know outside work and professionally. It's always a marriage breaker sooner or later.
The woman in question thought for a millisecond and (having already been divorced once before) said "Well if need be I can manage without him. I've done it before". Baby was duly born and much loved by the father who stayed around after all.

picklemepopcorn · 19/07/2018 20:00

Terminating the baby won't save your marriage. You'll resent him.

DancingDot · 19/07/2018 20:01

Oh and butterflysugar get a grip!!

Foodylicious · 19/07/2018 20:06

You 'dh' is being very unreasonable.
To threaten to leave you and your 3 children over this is awful.

Sounds like your instinct/heart is telling you that you want this baby.

I say listen to yourself and go for it!

CurlyhairedAssassin · 19/07/2018 20:09

Re: inheritance. It is protected so is not considered part of the marital assets. Unless you’ve used it to buy, say, joint shares or property. If it’s all in your name still then it’s yours I think. The only way that your DH would even have a slight claim on it is if he would be in real financial hardship as the result of your split. Doesn’t sound like it though.

buttercup54321 · 19/07/2018 20:10

Have the baby and divorce the idiot. Then take him for as much maintenance as possible. How dare he use emotional blackmail and threaten to leave you. He can either suck up the consequences of his fun or get out. You will be fine without him.

codswallopandbalderdash · 19/07/2018 20:11

Could be your DH is using this as an excuse to leave? Or he might just being a wuss and is secretly terrified about more responsibility?

So you need to go somewhere and talk this through properly. I would be asking myself where is the support and partnership from DH in all this? Has he actually asked you what YOU want, what YOU feel? It might help you make your decisions

QueenAravisOfArchenland · 19/07/2018 20:11

I can literally count of the fingers of one hand the amount of women I know who had kids in their 40's. Most women simply do not have them past mid 30's...

That's your social circles and limited life experience, then. There are plenty of places where most first time mothers are in their late thirties/early 40s.

ThisIsntMeHonestGuv · 19/07/2018 20:12

It's up to you.

As you can see, everyone had different lives and are at different stages with their family.

I'm 46 and both my kids are early 20s. I'm now planning to go traveling now and make the most of the freedom I have. I couldn't imagine having a 4 year old. But my best mate started her family much later, and is delighted with her young children.

Only you know what is right for you. I think you know what you want to do. I think I do too, and while it wouldn't be right for me, it may well be absolutely right for you.

Good luck!

buttercup54321 · 19/07/2018 20:13

Oh and my mum was nearly 42 when I was born and never seemed any older than anyone elses mum. She lived to 87 and was a brilliant mum and gran.

KokoandAllBall · 19/07/2018 20:14

Your children are old enough to understand that their father is leaving and their mother being pregnant are probably connected. Would he at least be onboard with co-parenting this child or is he planning to have nothing to do with it? Will he tell the eldest that the marriage break up is because your relationship had come to an end, or will he be a spiteful emotionally abusive prick and try to turn them against the baby and you?

You need to speak to him again about how he sees everything panning out after he has left. Does he intend to still be an active father in the new child's life? Honestly if I felt I was heading into decades of parent wars with the kids stuck in the middle I might feel it wasn't worth it.

KatherinaMinola · 19/07/2018 20:14

Opened this thread thinking you'd be 47. I don't see a problem with your age.

I'd lose the DH though.

KryptoKarrots · 19/07/2018 20:16

Are your other 3 children his? He's going to have to pay maintenance if they are, and for this one.

Squeegle · 19/07/2018 20:16

I’m a single mum of 2 and personally I wouldn’t do it; it’s so hard to take on that responsibility for another tiny creature and everything would have to be done by you for all 4. That sounds very hard, especially with not much money.

Pikehau · 19/07/2018 20:16

‘@butterflysugarbaby‘

I am 16 and 18 years younger than my brother and sister. An accident of course as my mum and Dad were 44 and 47

But I am glad they did t think “fuck that” and had me - they actually had more free time than I do with my 3.

Each to their own. my sister has said she admires Mum and if found herself in the same situation would not have had the baby.

Op - I haven’t suffered from having older parents. You really need to think about how you see your future as a single mum.

Best of luck xx

nellieellie · 19/07/2018 20:19

I had my first child at 41, 2nd at 43. I don’t seem old compared to other mums, even now my children are 13 and 11 yrs old. I think you need to decide what’s best for you, and what you want to do. Your DH should not really sway you given it seems there are problems with your marriage anyway. I can see it would be hard though. Do you have a good support network of family and friends?. Your other DCs may also surprise you and even help out a bit.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/07/2018 20:19

You keep the baby, he resents it, he leaves.
You terminate, you resent it, you leave.

Sounds like either way the marriage will be over. The only question is do you want to be a lone parent of 3 or of 4.

FermatsTheorem · 19/07/2018 20:19

I had my (only) child at 42, planned, not an accident, though. It's fine, though hip problems have hit in my early 50s and DS does get a bit frustrated that I can't run around and play football with him the way I used to be able to.

It does sound to me like you want this baby, and having an abortion to keep the peace with your husband would make you deeply unhappy. Whether that would be transient and you'd get over it, only you can guess.

I'm not you, but I think for me, a relationship wouldn't survive being pressured into an abortion I didn't want. So for me the question would be "Do I want to be a single mum to 3 kids, or to 4 kids?"

I know several families with 2 or 3 late primary/teen children and a baby - the older sibling seem to cope really well and dote on the baby of the family. Of course, you'd have to be very careful to work out how best to handle the issue that the pregnancy had been the cause of the separation - not sure kids would cope so well knowing that.

Charolais · 19/07/2018 20:25

My FIL was born in 1918 when his mother was 46. He was an accident. Of her four children he was the only one to stay on the farm and take it over so they could retire and then looked after them when they became frail. He gave them four grandchildren.

Their other three children turned out to be scoundrels.

ChishandFips33 · 19/07/2018 20:28

I'm with the poster who said if this was your first, go for it

Already having 3, the age gap, being single, lack of sleep, teenagers, back at work, the daily grind etc I'd probably think twice about going through with it

Hope you find an answer you feel at peace with Flowers

Bythebeach · 19/07/2018 20:29

I love babies and would love another despite being 40 ....... but I couldn’t do it because of my 13, 10 and 6 yr olds. I feel I am spread thin as it is and whilst I might get lucky with a super chilled baby, most likely the bulk of my energy would be taken up by a new baby which doesn’t feel fair to the others. It’s a very personal choice though and you have to do what’s right for you.

Xtrah0urzz · 19/07/2018 20:31

Do males actually realize that females are fertile until 50, some over 50 ? What do men do to assist with contraception or extra contraception ? Your DHs attitude is horrible, considering he has 50% responsibility. Plenty of people have children in their 40s, it's your personal choice. Perhaps you should educate your DH