to even consider having this baby agt my age?

[Pennyplumb]

I have name changed for this one....

I just turned 42 last week and now I've discovered I'm pregnant! I was on the pill so it was a total shock. My DH is adamant that I should not keep the baby and that he's leaving me if I do (its not just a threat we've been struggling for years). I told him that's fine - I was left some money by my granddad a few months ago so I can just afford to buy him out of the house but I would struggle to raise four children and pay the mortgage/bills. He also made a big point out of the fact that I would be 47 when dc starts school and 60 when they are leaving school and what would happen to them if I became ill? I would hate to think that my age could be a hindrance to my child growing up? any advice welcome.

My parents were in their 40s when they had my brother and I.

Both dead before we turned 30 ourselves, after years of Ill health (age related)

I feel envious of my friends whose parents had them younger, and are a fit and active part of their lives, involved with grandchildren and having fun together.

Your child will have older siblings at least, so the burden will be shared.

I find so often in this conversation people ignore the fact that having a child 10+ years later than 'the norm' makes that child 10+ years younger when you start needing support from them/die.

Had DS at 37 and my age was never mentioned once. I know several women who became first time mothers in their 40s; the oldest was 44. Women have always had babies in their 40s if you look at the historical record. The Pill etc has somewhat distorted our view of what’s ‘normal’ regarding fertility.

LesbianNotQueer I am really sorry that you lost both parents before you were 30.

However that would have made your Mum 75 or thereabouts when she passed away? That’s really not so old that it is inevitable that a person will suffer years of ill health before that age. You were terribly unlucky. So was I - my own parents died at 53 and 66 so it made not a jot of difference that they were both mid twenties when I was born.

I think that in threads like this it is very much an issue that people are aware of and I do see it mentioned a lot. However there are so many uncertainties associated with death and it’s so far out of most people’s control that I think that those of us who were not in a position to have our children when we were younger tend to see it as a risk but not one that makes it worth deciding to have no children at all.

My mum had me in her twenties and she died when I was a child. There's no guarantees in life.

I had my first children (twins) a week before my 43rd birthday. There was a woman older than.me.on the maternity wars and I was NOT the oldest at the school gate either. A poster above pointed out that in some areas, it is the norm to be older just as it the norm to younger in other areas. Not long after I'd had my two a report came out that the rise in babies born to over 40s mother had for the first time over taken teenage pregnancies.

OP you already know there is no right or wrong - just what is right for you. I think it may be wise to try and separate the problems with your DH. I cannot see an already struggling marriage making it through an ultimatum like that. Maybe start with getting some legal advice about where you would stand financially. Do you have some support grandparents/siblings.

Its not an easy decision but it is your decision to be made.

Take care

My mum and dad had me later in life and always say I kept them young.
You have already said you don't mind being a single mum, but are worried about how the kids you already have will take it. I think they are old enough to sit down and talk to about it, your marriage is over either way, so I would lay that out to them too, but ask them how they would feel with a baby about. You never know they might be excited.

No from experience, but I have a couple of friends who found themselves pregnant and over 40. The first has a ten year old, the second a 16, 13 and 11 year old.
Firstly, you sound like you do want to keep the baby and lose the husband. You will struggle, but you will MANAGE
Secondly, you aren't too old.
Thirdly, the siblings of these babies mentioned have taken to them completely. No resentment at all.

butterflysugarbaby

As people keep on telling you, your experience differs from others. most of my friends didn't start having babies until mid-late 30's. That's completely normal for me/my group.

At least half of them went on to have babies in their 40's. It's actually pretty normal for many people, no matter how much you swear and fling exclamation marks around.

Yes of my housemates from uni, 1 started having children mid 30s, the rest of us were all in our 40s. I had my daughter at just short of 42. The others had children at 40, 42 and 43. All children are healthy. I’m knackered but that’s because mine doesn’t sleep. The difference is we are all in stable relationships without older children.

Whatever you decide to do about the baby, I think your DH should do one for being a total unsupportive knob.

Keep the baby xx
In 2018, 42 is not an old mum at all :)

Also put the inheritance in bank accounts opened in your kids names with you as trustee. You can still withdraw it and use it, but it's not your money technically it's the kids, so if your husband became an exhusband you'd have money he can't take from you/kids.

It sounds like you want a baby OP and that a termination would not be an option for you as you haven’t mentioned it at all. I had my DCs at 38 and 41. I am now 45 and all I want is a third DC.

As for your DH he is behaving appallingly. Perhaps your relationship is over anyway but even so he is not thinking straight. Even if he leaves does he not want to have contact with his DCs? Will he see the older DCs and refuse to acknowledge the existence of the baby? What kind of father would do that?

Either way he would need to contribute to the maintenance of all DCs. It might be worth getting legal advice on your financial options in case you do split up.

I am sorry that your DH is a complete waste of space.

My mother had me when she was 40 years old and my sister when she was 42. She is still alive at 92 years old so I have had my mother all my life until at last 52 years old and hopefully longer!

DH's mother had DH when she was 40 (DH's older siblings are 12+ years older than he is). She is also still alive in her 90s though she more ill than my mother

DH's mother had DH when she was 40 (DH's older siblings are 12+ years older than he is).

My sister had her children in her 20s. She was diagnosed with cancer at 31 and died leaving her 6 and 4 year old children motherless

Life is a lottery sometimes. You can't worry about everything, if you want the baby have it

I was my mums 4th child with a 10 yr gap and she was 43, I had a happy childhood and a happy home life. Her age was never something that impacted on me never made any difference at all with us.

If you keep your baby and you husband up and leaves, tells you all you need to know about him doesn't it.

Keep the baby. Ditch the dh
Life a glorious life

If he asks you to choose between a life that he's made and him, well he can take the door, he will take it anyway. It's the same type of man when the baby is there that will have complete amnesia that they were against the pregnancy. Choking but true.
If you can manage, there is no moral dilemma. Keep your child, get yourself fit while you're at it. and watch the swirlwind. Wether you have this baby or not this man does not deserve you. One of my friend had a baby brother when she was 12, we really liked him. This child will be loved, he's got a mother and siblings and extended family. You have to make a careful contingent plan and get advice from a lawer. It seems you already made up your mind. And for the age factor a big so what ? He is the one who seems scared about age. Just take care of yourself you will not look old, it's never the case ( my grandma raised 5 kids, her husband died when they were very young, her last one was a baby, she is outliving everybody : just take care of yourself. Some people the only good thing that they made in this life is their children.

I'm the youngest mum in my son's school year and I'm 40 this year. So no, you're actually very 2018.

I had my third at 38 and he really is a blessing, we all (including siblings) adore him completely and he fits in perfectly. Ditch the DP and keep the baby!

I had my DD at 38, now 43 and would love another, I don’t feel old at school and as others have said It keeps me young, DH sometimes slips into grumpy old man territory until he does fun family stuff.

Your DH would be missing out but it sounds like you wouldn’t be missing much re DH leaving, could you get a six month mortgage holiday?

exactly what hoppinggreen said. There are lots of women in their 40s who've had another baby - I can think of 4 just in my small group of facebook friends.

I had a baby at 45 my other kids were 8 and 13. My husband had an affair 2 years later and left me. That was 3 years ago. But I wouldn't have changed my daughter for the world. It takes 2 to make a baby and your husband sounds very selfish. Even if you give up the baby I really think your marriage will not survive as you will spend your life resenting him. Have the baby you will be much happier and your kids will love having another sibling . Good luck with whatever you decide . Men can be so heartless at times.

I am a midwife and can verify that it isn't so unusual to see women coming through in their 40's. Certainly they are considered to be at higher risk of certain complications but really it depends on the woman - any I have looked after have been fitter and healthier than I am right now and I am mid 30's. The youngest and oldest mums that I have delivered their babies are 14 to 48. I would say though that for us in our area early 30's is probably most common. I agree with a previous poster who said that stats show that younger mums tend to come from poorer areas. Older mums tend to be better educated, are more likely to bf, their children tend to do better in school etc.

Anyway back to the op. It is a very personal decision for you to make. Clearly your marriage is over either way so you really do have to make this decision alone. I would imagine the siblings will soon get used to the baby so try not to let that sway your decision either. It comes down to whether you want this baby.

JessieMcJessie

I'm sorry you experienced that and I take your point that life expectancy is out of our control. Yes, my parents were unwell younger than most, but this was compounded by having us at an older age. You can't control it but you can heed the odds, we can't deny a strong correlation between age and poor health/death.

I would argue it did make a difference that they had you mid 20s as it meant you lost your first parent in your 20s rather than in your teens.

Keep the baby. Ditch the dh
Life a glorious life

You're dreaming if you think being a single mother of four children, going through a divorce and struggling financially will be a 'glorious life's!

When I was having DD1 at 29, the other mums in the NCT group were ten years older than me having their first child, and one went on to have a second child when she was 42. It is certainly not unusual throughout history either for women to have children into their 40s and even 50s. What has changed recently is women having their first child later.

I agree though with other posters who have emphasised the practical aspects of a family break-up which need sorting more than anything, and I'm sorry that your DH is being such an arse. Does he think it isn't his, or you did it by yourself? You may not feel you could not go through with an abortion. I'm 42 and would be utterly horrified to find myself pregnant, but I don't think I could abort either.