to even consider having this baby agt my age?

[Pennyplumb]

I have name changed for this one....

I just turned 42 last week and now I've discovered I'm pregnant! I was on the pill so it was a total shock. My DH is adamant that I should not keep the baby and that he's leaving me if I do (its not just a threat we've been struggling for years). I told him that's fine - I was left some money by my granddad a few months ago so I can just afford to buy him out of the house but I would struggle to raise four children and pay the mortgage/bills. He also made a big point out of the fact that I would be 47 when dc starts school and 60 when they are leaving school and what would happen to them if I became ill? I would hate to think that my age could be a hindrance to my child growing up? any advice welcome.

formerbabe I think what the poster was getting at is her life without the selfish man will be glorious, not that it would be easy or without the problems that any single mother would face.

I admit I have not RTFT, however even if you do decide to terminate the pregnancy I would strongly recommend also terminating your marriage.

A partner is supposed to support you and ride the storms together. Also, he is 50% responsible for the pregnancy and has shown you zero respect by instructing you to have an abortion.

Kick him to the kerb whatever you decide.

That's my second LTB in a week!

Hi Lesbiannotqueer. I don’t think anyone is disagreeing that there is a correlation between age and illness. However the point I was trying to make is that it’s not a given and most people planning children later in life tend to think “I know the risk is higher but I am going to take it anyway because of all the good aspects of having a child”. I appreciate that you disagree, having been in the unfortunate position of losing your parents young.

But would you genuinely rather not have been born?

Also, you said I would argue it did make a difference that they had you mid 20s as it meant you lost your first parent in your 20s rather than in your teens.

My Dad’s death was nothing to do with his age, it could have happened to anyone of any age. So the fact that it happened in my twenties was entirely unconnected to the decision to have me when he was in his twenties, if you see what I mean.

JessieMcJessie

I don't entirely disagree with you, I think there's maybe some illogical superstitious part of me that almost expects we all have a set 'end' and shifting children back in life narrows the margin between their birth and your death. I realise this is largely nonsense. Interesting to examine my own thoughts.

For what it's worth OP, I'm not suggesting you should in any way terminate based on this aspect, as rightly pointed out, nobody knows what will happen.

Your DH doesn't sound like anybody to worry over losing, support is essential. He has failed as a partner. I hope he steps up and becomes a decent father though.

How are you doing OP? This must be such a difficult situation for you. I would ask myself if my children's lives would be happier with another sibling and a break up, or living with parents who resent each other. Also please don't feel like you have to be pushed into anything by anyone, it really is your choice. I hope things are getting clearer for you in your own mind.

Hi OP my mum had me at 41 I always moaned that I wanted a younger mum like my friends but wouldn't change her for the world. She's 63 now and I'm 22 x

@butterflysugarbaby - Oh here we go with the parallel universe of mumsnet! And the 'lots of women have kids in their 40's' comments.

I can literally count of the fingers of one hand the amount of women I know who had kids in their 40's.

Do you not think that maybe things vary, depending on many variables such as income, educational attainment, location etc? I have 2 friends from school who had children in their mid to late 20's. Neither had been to university and were well settled in relationships and jobs at a young age (both married by 25). Most of the women I know who went to university were older settling down in terms of career and relationships.

The majority of women I know only started having children in their mid 30's. I have 3. I had my first at 33 and my youngest at 38 and was one of the youngest of my social circle having them. I'm now 53 and have never been older than the norm in terms of schools, clubs etc. There have always been a reasonable number older than me.

I'm a midwife and I wouldn't bat an eyelid at a mum in her 40s. We look after women in thier late 30s/early 40s having babies all the time. I see far more 40 year olds on the labour ward than I do teenagers/very early 20s women.

Your age isn;t an issue. Your unsupportive H is.

What do you want to do? Forget him: your body, your baby, your life. If you want to keep the baby, then keep it.

But still bin the husband if you terminate the pregnancy.

I’m also a midwife and I had my DD when I was 41 and her brother was 16. I’m now a single parent and wouldn’t change a thing.

I came on the thread to say exactly what Pinguforpresident said above. Essentially it looks like you’re going to be a single parent anyway so I would take your DH out of the equation and do what you want to do. If you want to have this baby, go ahead and best of luck

Oh here we go with the parallel universe of mumsnet! And the 'lots of women have kids in their 40's' comments.

^Lop this. I don’t know a single woman who had a baby past 38

LesbianNotQueer

I'm sorry you lost your parents before you were 30 I lost mine before I was 15. Some things could happen at any age - but that doesn't make it any easier when the loss happens to you.

I'm the youngest mum in my son's school year and I'm 40 this year.

Is this really true? All the other mums had their children over 40? I must admit that I’m always a bit taken aback at the amount of older mums there are claimed to be on Mumsnet. I live in London, all my friends are uni educated with very good jobs etc but still the average age they all had children was around mid-30’s. I had my own at 37 and was one of the oldest. Of course I know older mums from local groups and there are some that had their first in their 40’s but I’d definitely say there are far far more that have them before this.

My grand mother had my mum, first child (and obviously last!) at 45. Her OH was 50. She wasn't working and her OH retired at 55, so my mum was raised by two parents, financially stable if not rich who had a lot of attention to give her. My grandmother did find losing her independence hard though as a shock after years of being able to do what she wanted when she wanted but she was a young old mum.

My mum was 42 when she had my sister, her OH was 54. She couldn't wait to be a mum again as she hadn't given me much attention when I was born years before. She decided she'd be a totally different mum, so even she continued to work, it was on a PT basis, with my SD retired and being the main carer to my sister. My mum found it the best years of her life and loved it.

I became pregnant at 38 and was over the moon, unfortunately miscarried. Tried again without success. My baby would now be 9 yo and frankly, I am actually massively grateful that however traumatic it was then, it ended up this way. I am menopausal and totally exhausted with life having worked in stressful jobs for 20 years. The idea of of raising -properly- a 9yo fills me with dread. If I'm exhausted now, how would I feel after another child. Unfortunately, given up work wouldn't have been an option either.

All this to say that not everyone experiencing motherhood at 40 will have the same experience, so it is pointless to decide based on age alone.

Most people obviously decide to call it a day with kids well before number four. Given the circumstances OP lists (marriage on shaky ground, contraception being used, money at least reasonably tight) I'd say there might be a presumption against keeping this one. Whether it'd with out or not depends on the fine details of OP's particular circumstances, primarily around how much she likes pregnancy and motherhood of small children, how robust she is physically and mentally, how good her support networks would be, etc.

Your husband is a twat and it sounds as though your marriage has run its course.

Being a single mother at 42 to a newborn plus three other children under financial stress sounds like one possible version of hell. Why would you want to subject your three children to such turmoil?

I was that late baby and have wished I wasn't (that I had been aborted) all my life. So sue me. A childhood where parents could not keep up with younger ones, where they were behind culturally and now in adulthood where I'm a carer (at a much earlier age than usual, which has fucked my career). I know this is not a popular MN view, where late age pregnancies are the gifts of angels and unicorns, so I'm hiding this now. I just wanted to tell the other side of the story.

If you want the baby then have the baby

Yes 42 is older then some tho being 5th child

I had my first and only child at almost 44 - 10yrs ttc and 5 private ivf

Wouldn’t change it for the world -now 45 and have a 15mth old. Daddy is 51 and has baby /toddler grandchildren younger then dd

I would get rid of hubby. He isn’t supportive

I think you need to make the decision for yourself. Think about what you want.

The kids would be happy to welcome a new baby - until the sleepless nights.
Your husband may come round to the idea, he may leave whether you choose to have the baby or not.
Your husband will have to support you financially so it may not be the struggle you are imagining.

Op admit I havnt read all the thread but this is my view.

I got pregnant after wine with dcs 5/6 twins. I was younger than you though 36z

My older 4 were 11/10/8/7. We decided our main priority was to make sure our babies were ok as in no detectable SN. I had friends whose childhoods were dominated by siblings DS. Not going there.

Out amino was ok. Twins were ok and now 19 but going back to nappies and sleepless nights was hard!!

My advice would be look at the kids you have? the life you have? If your dh Is expendable emotionally speaking ( and he sounds vile btw) be practical and sensible and make your decision with your heart and your head.

FWIW my older lads adore their sisters and we’re great but if their arrival had led to dad leaving not sure about how they would have impacted.

i am you youngest mum in my school year and I am 40

Ermmmm this is obviously a very small area of north London?

Not at all a blue print for the country. Totally not the case generally

I had my second child aged 40. Sometimes I feel older but it is what it is. My children are a delight (most of the time). I agree with others that your age isn’t the problem here, your partner is.

You need to make the right decision for you (and your other children but mainly you).

If you’re considering a termination please don’t let those referring to ‘little babies’ sway you either. It isn’t a ‘little baby’ yet.

Can I clarify that’s first time mums! Obviously before the pill women had babies throughout their fertile years. My gran and great aunt were born when my great gran was 42/44 but had her first at 19..

You can be a crap parent at 16 and a wonderful parent at 16 and crap at 42 and brilliant at 42!

PaintByStickler

I disagree it’s not about the op it’s more about the children she already has.

But the rest of your post I totally agree