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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to even consider having this baby agt my age?

174 replies

Pennyplumb · 19/07/2018 19:07

I have name changed for this one....

I just turned 42 last week and now I've discovered I'm pregnant! I was on the pill so it was a total shock. My DH is adamant that I should not keep the baby and that he's leaving me if I do (its not just a threat we've been struggling for years). I told him that's fine - I was left some money by my granddad a few months ago so I can just afford to buy him out of the house but I would struggle to raise four children and pay the mortgage/bills. He also made a big point out of the fact that I would be 47 when dc starts school and 60 when they are leaving school and what would happen to them if I became ill? I would hate to think that my age could be a hindrance to my child growing up? any advice welcome.

OP posts:
KwatahPanda · 19/07/2018 20:33

Unless you are desperate for it, I would seriously consider a termination in your situation myself. I had one after my third child, I knew it wasn't what I wanted and would be a nightmare. I was concerned about the emotional toll, "they" warn you about.

There wasn't one.

I would lose the DH either way though. He's a tosspot. And stupid as he'd only end up with the baby everyt other week on his own with the other three anyway Confused

Sgtmajormummy · 19/07/2018 20:33

Coping with them in their childhood is easy but try thinking about the amount of support young adults are expected to receive nowadays with parents putting them through University and living at home until they can afford to buy.
You may well be nearing 70 by the time this baby has flown the nest (sorry).
Speaking from experience, we had our kids late in life and worry that they won’t be on a solid career path before we snuff it! Even seeing any grandchildren is a big “maybe”.

Obviously it’s nobody’s decision but yours, OP, but consider all the options carefully.

bluemascara · 19/07/2018 20:35

Oh I would do it without a second thought. If you want it then do it! Your DH is a heartless bastard if he goes through with the threat. And if he stays with you bc you have an abortion then you could grow to resent him if it isn't what you really want!
Your older girls will love the baby... they will help you! You'll find a way, just do it xx

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 19/07/2018 20:35

You can’t compel your dh to have another child with you. He may leave as threatened
Realistically if he goes how will you manage?emotionally,financially,practically?
Genuinely this is a v fraught decision

Bluntness100 · 19/07/2018 20:43

What do men do to assist with contraception or extra contraception

To be fair to him though, if the woman is on the pill normally men don't assist with that or use extra contraception in long term relationships Confused

I mean I get why some folks are critiscing him, but lampooning him for not assisting with contraception, when she became pregnant on the pill is a bit of a reach really.

MrsHaaHoo · 19/07/2018 20:43

As others have said, it's your relationship with DH that's a worry more than anything. A few years ago (now mid 40's) we had a pregnancy scare. I thought DH would go crazy, kids all up and older, baby days well behind us etc. Test turned out negative and even he admitted he was a little bit gutted - had been plotting bedroom situations and car changes already within hours. As he said - you're in it together and go with whatever life throws at you. No fourth child for us....got a dog instead. Do what your heart tells you, you and your children will survive. Not sure he's the type of man I'd want to be with. But, perhaps he's just a little scared/shocked/surprised? Life changer again, when you all thought the baby days were over???? Or is this the event that makes you both realise you're not mean got be together anymore? Good luck with whatever you decide.

CammieKennaway · 19/07/2018 20:45

If you want this baby, then go ahead and have this baby - I'm sorry to be rude but your husband sounds awful and mentally abusive!
I'm just a year younger than you and if I got pregnant, there's no way I'd consider an abortion just because of my age or someone else pressuring me and telling me I was too old.
My Nanna got pregnant with my aunty at 42 and had as good a relationship with my aunty (if not better) than the relationship she had with my mum who was born 20 years earlier. Her pregnancy was fine and my aunty is healthy and my Nanna lived until long after my aunty left school and built relationships with my aunty's children - she lost out on nothing.
There are younger mums who sadly get sick and can't look after their children, so don't let anyone bully you into thinking your age is a problem.

Do you want this baby? That's the real question you need to ask yourself x

KatherinaMinola · 19/07/2018 20:45

If he absolutely categorically never wanted another DC he could have had a vasectomy though, rather than expecting his partner to be on hormonal contraception for another decade.

NotBeforeCoffee · 19/07/2018 20:46

Does DH realise that leaving doesn't stop him being responsible?

didofido · 19/07/2018 20:47

If a DH threatened me that he would walk out unless I had an abortion - well. he would be GONE.
Whether I had the baby or not I couldn't take that sort of blackmail.

OP, have the baby if you want it. You will cope. I had my children when I was young, but brought up my 2 year old grand-daughter from when I was 50. It was a wonderful time for both of us, and a couple of my children who were still at home.

mumsastudent · 19/07/2018 20:52

I have said this before :) in your grandmothers day they went on having dc until menopause - often there was an overlap between elder daughter children & their youngest aunt/uncle - my dd was 18months younger than his aunt/playmate - we are now used to controlling our fertility and talk about girls being to young at 18 or to old at 40 -years ago this was "normal" I bet your kids will spoil the baby! Get some legal advice asap tho' regarding finance (maybe before you formally tell not so dh to go.

TheMonkeyMummy · 19/07/2018 20:54

Another mum of 4 here, and last one was a surprise. I have to say I cried for most of the pregnancy (I am very pro choice but after struggling to get our other three, I couldn't see any alternative than going through with the pregnancy). I was 36 when he was born and he is an utter delight. I am grateful for him every day. At the same time, my BF also had a surprise pregnancy and decided not to go ahead. It was absolutely the right decision for her and she hasn't regretted it.

Follow your gut instinct. And tell you 'D'H to grow up.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 19/07/2018 20:54

My mum had her last at nearly 42 and she was already a grandmother.

Me and my older sister helped with the baby.

Bluntness100 · 19/07/2018 20:59

If he absolutely categorically never wanted another DC he could have had a vasectomy though, rather than expecting his partner to be on hormonal contraception for another decade

She hasn't spoken about the rationale behind their contraceptive choices, I don't think you can assume he forced her to go on the pill and refused a vasectomy, Confused

flapjackfairy · 19/07/2018 20:59

I am 53 with an adopted 4 yr old.
I dont feel any different to when i had my other children who are all grown up now. Your age is no real concern here. But i agree with showing your husband the door !

tierraJ · 19/07/2018 21:01

I'm 41 if I got pregnant I would definitely keep it!!

Bluelady · 19/07/2018 21:03

It's all well and good everybody telling you your marriage is already over but you're the only person who can decide that. Are you prepared to lose your marriage to have an unplanned baby? Your existing children will link its arrival with their father leaving, how are they going to take that? How will they view their new sibling?

Whatever decision you make you need to make it with your head and not be distracted by a bunch of people you don't know telling you how wonderful it will be. They're not the ones who will deal with giving birth as a single parent and 18 years of child raising on their own.

TheClitterati · 19/07/2018 21:10

I had my 2nd at 43. I don't think it's that old.

I do wonder what I would do if I fell pg now at 50.

haribosmarties · 19/07/2018 21:13

YANBU if YOU want this baby then you should keep it. You say your marriage is struggling anyway and I personally would find it hard to stay with a man who put pressure on me to have an abortion... so I think perhaps whether you keep the baby or not your marriage may not survive this anyway.... So factor that out of the equation.... it boils down to how YOU feel about it. It sounds like although things will be a bit tight financially its not completely impossible... so no one can or should really tell you what to do. If you want the baby then keep the baby.
Flowers

GabsAlot · 19/07/2018 21:17

its up to you but please dont rely on your teen to look after and help its not fair

i was 14 when my dister was born i bloody resented her for years dont assume all kids will be happy

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 19/07/2018 21:24

Oh here we go with the parallel universe of mumsnet! And the 'lots of women have kids in their 40's' comments. And 'almost everyone I know had a baby in their 40's'

Yes, that's absolutely true. Me, my sister, SiL, three close friends, etc. etc. Not a parallel universe though; this one.

Most women simply do not have them past mid 30's

What tosh. Almost every woman in my wider group didn't start having babies until their mid 30's.

You must know that the world is bigger than your own circle of direct experience? Confused

OP, I agree that your H sounds fairly unpleasant. Having a baby at 42 is perfectly normal for many people (me included). I hope you make the right decision for you Flowers

cutitout · 19/07/2018 21:26

Depends on you and your husband. My uncle and his wife had their oops baby after 45 and they had 4 kids. The older kids loved every moment of helping bring up their younger sibling. That baby also proved lucky for them as my uncle got a better job, a house and have been very financially comfortable since having her. He is in his 60's and still working in a high profile job. They are enjoying this kid more than their other kids. Also it's better to have a younger child when one is old as they have a special bond and look after the parents from what I have seen with them and my friends.

Ohyesiam · 19/07/2018 21:28

Had my second at 41

Mishappening · 19/07/2018 21:30

We had an "afterthought" baby and the older children loved her to pieces. In fact she had a selection of "Mums" - they changed nappies, amused her, helped bath her - they all loved it!!

So don't let that put you off.

I seriously think I would be put off your OH though. He is not behaving well.

KatherinaMinola · 19/07/2018 21:33

Well he hasn't had a vasectomy has he Bluntness, or the OP would have mentioned it - it is kind of relevant.

So he was expecting her to pick up the contraception tab.

I think if another DC is a total dealbreaker for a man - such a dealbreaker that he'll try to coerce his DP into having a termination - then he needs to have a vasectomy and take the whole question out of the equation.

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