to even consider having this baby agt my age?

[Pennyplumb]

I have name changed for this one....

I just turned 42 last week and now I've discovered I'm pregnant! I was on the pill so it was a total shock. My DH is adamant that I should not keep the baby and that he's leaving me if I do (its not just a threat we've been struggling for years). I told him that's fine - I was left some money by my granddad a few months ago so I can just afford to buy him out of the house but I would struggle to raise four children and pay the mortgage/bills. He also made a big point out of the fact that I would be 47 when dc starts school and 60 when they are leaving school and what would happen to them if I became ill? I would hate to think that my age could be a hindrance to my child growing up? any advice welcome.

I think he’s just trying to scaremonger you into terminating. My dd1’s dad did this when I got pg, then packed it in when he realised I was going ahead regardless. Our relationship didn’t last but that’s because we were completely incompatible, not because of the baby.

Is he REALLY going to walk out on his pg wife and existing DC citing the reason that you are pg? He would look like the world’s biggest cunt to everyone who knew him.

Anyway, just take him out of the equation. Do what YOU want to do. It will be fine if you have the baby, and fine if you don’t, just different types of fine.

@Iused2BanOptimist

My next door neighbour stunned everybody including herself by finding herself unexpectedly pregnant at 51!

Oh come ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mumsnet truly is a parallel universe....

On threads like this - every other woman is having a baby 10-12 years before retirement age.

In real life... NO-ONE does.

It's not ME who needs to 'get a grip!' It's the daydreamers and fantasists on here who are peddling 45-50 as a perfectly decent age to have a baby ...

There are soooooo many reasons not to have a baby at that age, that I don't even know where to start!!!

And I didn't say no-one should be having them over 35. I said most women I KNOW do not have them after that. Even so, 40-42 should be the absolute upper age limit.

I don't give a shit if a woman keeps having periods (and is seemingly fertile) til 52; just coz you CAN do something, doesn't mean you SHOULD do it. As I said, there are so many reasons to not have a baby past 42-43 and I can't seriously believe anyone would consider it.

And fuck off with the 'you obviously have limited life experience' crap. Just coz I have different experiences and don't know 2 dozen women who had babies at 49, that doesn't mean I have 'limited life experience. So bore off with your bullshit comments.

Your age is no issue. Women have always had children throughout their fertile life including 40s. It's not so unusual these days and even years back. If it was me I would keep the baby.

Yeah sure, ^ women have babies in their 40's, but it is not 'the norm' like people try to make out on here. And even so, it's usually 40-43 ish.

It's ludicrous that some people try to make out 47-50 is a perfectly decent, normal, regular age to have a baby.

Of course it fucking isn't!

I had a "surprise" baby at 45 after a 21 year gap. I would say go for it if you can manage.

I don't think older mums are a parallel universe for some people. Maybe it depends where you live.

Of the 8/10 cars who park where I do for the school run, two had their last at age 41, and two had their first babies at 44 (turned 50 in year 1), and all of them make me (last baby at 35) look like frump of the school gate.

I also have a friend who had her last of four at 43. And Luisa Dilner in the Guardian had her last at 47 (and she is a GP so presumably knows the risks).

I can count these on one hand, sure, but on the other hand I know only two people who had a baby at younger than 28.

OP please have the baby if you want to. That is the only thing that matters, all the other things can be worked out. And your husband will probably come round. Mine says twatty things too sometimes.

Not a parallel universe here either, I had my last at 40 and whilst there are mums at the school gate younger than my eldest im not the oldest there by far, one of the mums is 49 and has grandkids older than her child. I would think that at least 2/3 had their children at late 30s or older

I had my 3rd at 43 a surprise after 7 years. She's great fun was the easiest baby we all adore her (she's 2 now). However I would not have done it without Dh support & general enthusiastic outlook & we both pretty fit & active so hope we can sustain it for a long time yet.

butterfly you need to came down. What about this woman: www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2091336/Debbie-Hughes-Grandmother-whos-mum-53.html

*calm down 😂

PS OP your DH sounds like a piece of work trying to blackmail you into aborting your baby. LTB. Run to the hills.

Keep the baby and dump the man baby....

He also made a big point out of the fact that I would be 47 when dc starts school and 60 when they are leaving school and what would happen to them if I became ill?

Simply remind him that they would live with their father, just as they would if you didnt have this baby and became ill.

Sounds like "I will leave you" means "I will leave you and never see the kids again" and that has nothing to do with whether you have 3 kids or 4.

if s been so cruel and unsupportive and wording things like this it sounds like hes opting out regardless.and not kindly either.
sounds to me like you want to keep it?
and its lovely your thining of all the what ifs and pit falls but they have potential in any age.and sometimes you have to then just stop and think do I want this baby.because if you do.you will make it work.
And im not saying it ideal to go ahead if your bringin it into poverty but there are so many different family set ups.and people make glorious families from them
also I don't thin the other children will find it wrong.it think they might love it.be honest with them if you decide to keep it.let them be in on it and be part of it and in on the discussions so its not all then about the new baby and your doing this together.
and as much as you can keep doing things with them.lazy movie nights.asking bout their days before baby conversations.letting them know that of course a new born is helpless so needs more attention sometimes but it doesn't mean the love for them has shifted in any way

Forty Two is honestly not that uncommon, my husband and I are among the youngest parents (at 36 & 40) among my daughters year (Small rural school).There is a boy in my dd’s (8) class who has a brother who is only two years younger than me.

In your shoes, I would continue with the pregnancy. But then I will not/ could not/ will never consider a termination. My dh knew that from before we had sex together, that’s why we used double protection (condoms and pill) when we were not wanting to fall pregnant. After we finished our family, dh wouldn’t take the risk of contraceptive failure so he had the snip shortly after my youngest was born. Your h knew fine well that sex creates pregnancy (he has three beautiful examples already)! Every time you had sex he was playing Russian roulette yet he didn’t go for the snip.

Don’t let him blame you for this! If I were to guess, your h is having an affair and has been telling his Mistress that your marriage is sexless. I will be very surprised if he hasn’t been waiting for your inheritance to come through to divorce you and walk away with half. Now you are pregnant, if he tries to do you out of your inheritance, when everyone knows he has left you because he got you pregnant (and he wants nothing to do with the baby), then he will look like an absolute wanker/asshole and even his own family would be disgusted!

My advice is do what your heart wants, you have to live with this decision for the rest of your life! Your WH is leaving anyway, so don’t base your decision on his ultimatum. Terminating (like many believe about a baby), will not create a miracle cure/ be a sticking plaster for your marriage! So if you choose termination, let it be for your reasons not his! Your body, your choice!

At 42 you are still young, you can meet someone else, you won’t necessarily be a single Mum for the rest of your life!

I had my first at 43. You are young compared to me OP! But as other have said, your age is a red herring here, the question is really should you have the baby given your specific marriage and other children? I hope you find the right answer .

Oh and ButterflySugar what’s with all the faces, multiple exclamation marks and swearing? You sound very immature. It’s none of your business when other women choose to have babies, stop trying to make up rules.

I was 42 when I had my third. your husband is a nob

There are soooooo many reasons not to have a baby at that age, that I don't even know where to start!!!

please. do tell these many reasons

I’d keep the baby and let the husband leave - he sounds awful!

I’m 40 with pfb DS age 7mths and very much hope we’ll be giving him a sibling in a couple of years.

Late 30’s/early 40’s is totally the norm where I live too. Only have a couple of friends who had children in their 20’s.

Wow, butterfly. You seem very invested in other women's choices. I have just had my first at 40 after years of struggling to have her. She is perfect. I don't want her to be an only child, so we will either be having another at 42+ or adopting, again in our 40s. My parents were 42 and 48 when my little sister made her, slightly unexpected, appearance and my grandmother was 40 when she had her second child. I have a friend who found herself unexpectedly pregnant with her 1st at 49. She had never planned to have children, but she kept her and is incredibly happy. Her child is fine and in school now. Because most of my friends did a degree, then a PhD, then started a career, most of us didn't start settling down with partners and having children until our late 30s/early 40s, so in my circle that is the norm. It is true that you have more risk of chromosomal abnormalities and may need extra screening etc. (I chose not to as I couldn't face a termination after all the miscarriages I had been through and we could look after a disabled child). My little sister is 8 years younger than me and 23 years younger than our oldest sister and she is my best friend in the whole world. We are more financially stable and I have given up work until our child(ren) start school. I have loads of energy - am fitter than many 20 your olds I know - and have a lot more life experience to help me raise this baby. I am loving being a Mum.

OP, you have said yourself your relationship is struggling and you want to keep this baby. I suspect the relationship would be dead in the water if you did terminate for your husband as you would resent him for it, so the questions are will you cope with a baby plus the older girls as a single Mum, and will your older children cope with a baby on top of potentially a divorce. If those answers are yes, then it is a no brainer. Personally, I think I would go ahead even if your older children may need some adjustment time. In time they will come to love their little sibling.

You know what? TRIGGER My sister wasn't even 30 when she was diagnosed with oral cancer. She had three children. She faced the very real possibility that she could leave her three children with no mother. She and her husband literally discussed her funeral and where she would be buried. Thankfully she had surgery and radiation and has been cancer-free for a number of years.

The point is, you could have a child at ANY age and become seriously ill or even die.

butterfly do you live in a deprived socio economic area as statistically women have children at a much younger age in those areas. You find that areas of higher income and education tend to have children at a later age.. really not that surprising that if most of the people you know have a higher level of education and higher income then they will be having children later.
You sound very angry for some reason

And I had mine at 43 and 47 and we are real people and live in the real world

I think your other children could help out around the house as they're old enough. If you can teach them to vacuum, load the washig machine and make themselves breakfast and their school lunches..that would be half the workload done. It will teach them life skills and to be more independent too.

Of my friends from university, no one started having children till their 30's, several started in their 40's. Same with my work colleagues too, one of whom had her second at 45