to even consider having this baby agt my age?

[Pennyplumb]

I have name changed for this one....

I just turned 42 last week and now I've discovered I'm pregnant! I was on the pill so it was a total shock. My DH is adamant that I should not keep the baby and that he's leaving me if I do (its not just a threat we've been struggling for years). I told him that's fine - I was left some money by my granddad a few months ago so I can just afford to buy him out of the house but I would struggle to raise four children and pay the mortgage/bills. He also made a big point out of the fact that I would be 47 when dc starts school and 60 when they are leaving school and what would happen to them if I became ill? I would hate to think that my age could be a hindrance to my child growing up? any advice welcome.

tbh i had one at 40. already had 2. 10 and 13. she is loved to bits. but now im 50 i cant help but think i could be doing things other than worrying about secondary school.

He'll have a claim on your inheritance. Get some legal advice.

But if you want the baby and think you will manage as a single parent, then go for it. Bear in mind he may be calling your bluff and if you continue the pregnancy will stay anyway - but if he stays with anger/resentment over the pregnancy and uses it against you, you might be better off ending it all the same.

YANBU do what you want to do. Your husband sounds like a complete arse ☹️

The main question for you to answer is this: do you really want another baby? Your age is a bit of a red herring really, so ignore that for now and just focus on whether you actually want to have another child. Do you want to go through pregnancy, childbirth, sleepless nights, toddler tantrums, potty training, learning to read, bla bla bla, all over again?????

The other consideration is are you prepared for this to end your marriage? If things are difficult, this will, by the sound of it, be the nail in the marital coffin, so could you really cope with another baby, plus the three DC you already have, plus a job, plus running a house all on your own?

Agree with the others that you have to take it as a given that your marriage is over, and make the decision based on that as your future.

I’m so sorry that your husband reacted so unsupportively. Do you have anyone else you can talk to irl?

Oh here we go with the parallel universe of mumsnet! And the 'lots of women have kids in their 40's' comments. And 'almost everyone I know had a baby in their 40's.'

I can literally count of the fingers of one hand the amount of women I know who had kids in their 40's. Most women simply do not have them past mid 30's... Yet on MN, loads of people come on here and claim they know 53 y.o. women with toddlers, and claim that their mate had 3 kids after the age of 45!

That said OP, 42 is a little old to become a mother, but it isn't TERRIBLY old... I would say 42/43 should be the limit. If your husband isn't in agreement then you have a problem.

Personally, I would never have a baby past the age of 35.

I had a baby at 40, my friend had one at 45.

I have more patience now I'm older.

You've gotta do what's right for you- don't havevrehrets whichever way you go.

@AJPTaylor

I had one at 40. already had 2. 10 and 13. she is loved to bits. but now im 50 i cant help but think i could be doing things other than worrying about secondary school.

This ^

No offence, but fuck that. Couldn't be arsed with school-age children at 52-53 y.o. plus, and all the 'school politics,' and 'school-gate-mafia' crap, and 'mommy cliques' and all that bollocks. Most mums will be half your age, and will think you're the child's granny!

@Tistheseason17

my friend had a baby at 45.

WHY?

OP, follow your heart... You know what it takes. You can manage no.4 if you want to! Your DH isn't owning up.to his part in this...and NO man should be able to strong-arm you into having an abortion. I had my first at 46! He's the light of my life...and my DH adores him. Oh, and by the way, don't commingle the inheritance in a joint account. It will only become family money if you do. Keep it in a separate account and get legal advice. God luck...

Personally, I couldn’t handle it. I babysit my DNs a lot and I find it incredibly tiring and demanding (I have a 22 year old and an 18 year year old). I just couldn’t bear the thought of starting again and the loss of independence. But that’s me. A friend of mine has just had her third and her kids are 20 and 8 and she’s loving it. She’s the same age as me.

If your health is otherwise good, then I don't think your age should be a huge factor. If you want the baby then keep it. Terminating for any other reason that it being what you really want/need to do will end in disaster. And to be honest, it doesn't sound like your husband is in it for the long haul anyway.

Presumably because she wanted one, butterflysugarbaby, and was able to. What's hard to understand about it?

butterfly never past the age of 35????? Are you serious?!?

42 is towards the older end, but it's not like it's your first time, you know what you're getting yourself in for and are presumably a bit of a pro at lots of parenting.

My DH has fifteen/seventeen years between him and his brothers. His relationship with them is lovely, but more like an uncle than a sibling. It would be very educational for your existing DC, how would they feel about it?

Try to make the decision about the baby based on what you want, not what your DH threatens. If your relationship is already that rocky, what makes you think it will last? How would you feel if you have an abortion and he leaves in a year anyway? Think about yourself, your needs and your existing children.

Thinking about it is important, not just costs, but actually dealing with a fourth child, and all that entails, the attention they need, the logistics involved. School runs, nursery, childminder.

For me it would be a hell no, but I'm selfish, I like having me time, friends, socialising, a life basically, disposable income, holidays, weekends away, day trips, I wouldn't choose to spend my forties struggling financially, struggling for time, struggling for everything really.

You also have to consider what happens if the child has additional needs. With every pregnancy it's a risk, could you manage a child with additional needs? The answer to this needs to be yes, as I'm sure you know.

You're never unreasonable to have a baby you're already carrying. You should feel no pressure not to carry to term. That is not a true choice.

no pressure to carry to term

I’d consider the impact on your existing children first.

In terms of human history, effective contraception is a very new invention. It has always been perfectly normal for women in their 40s to have babies. However, a lot of them would have preferred not to!

As others have said, it sounds like your marriage is over. So the question is, do you want to go back to nappies and sleepless nights, but this time with no partner to support you? That can be pretty tiring and lonely.

On the other hand, would you ever forgive yourself if you let yourself be bullied into aborting this baby?

Personally I wouldn't. But then I'm REALLY bad at being pregnant and it would put a huge strain on my body and my existing family.

It sounds like your marriage is over any way tbh, so either way you'll likely end up a single parent (but hopefully not). How would that work with your 3 current DC? Then consider adding the impact of a newborn into that scenario.

I wouldn't do it, but that's just me. I hope you come to the right decision for yourself and your existing DC

Honestly, the squabbling about ages as arbitrary numbers is just meaningless. I know 46 yos who do ultra marathons, and 30 yos who moan if they have to walk to the bus stop, i’ve seen people of all ages and circs struggle with parenting young dc, and people who’ve done phds with two under two and made it look like a doddle

The numbers aren’t important. What op wants and which decision she thinks she is most or least likely to regret are the important things here. She’s had a shock and her man was a cunt to her about it, let’s not derail her thread with ‘how old is too old to have a baby’

42 and 16 weeks pregnant with my fourth. The age gap with my next youngest will be 7 years.

Not feeling at all old and where I live it’s not that unusual. I hope you have some support if you DH isn’t being nice about it - you poor thing. Don’t let him guilt you into having an abortion.

YANBU - 42 is not that old. My granny had her last at 42, she loved it!

If you really don’t want to terminate then don’t, you will regret it forever.

My mum was a similar age when I was born, she is now 73 and I’m 31. She is fit and healthy and has loads of energy, she even helps us with childcare. She is much fitter than my mil who is not yet 60 (no disrespect to my mil intended). She often jokes that having me at that age kept her young!

You have to choose what works for you - otherwise you'll resent him or he'll resent you and your existing 3 kids will resent you both.

Personally I'd terminate immediately - you'll be an awful lot older than the last 3 times you went through it, it's exhausting, the risks of complications and disabilities are vastly increased and damn it, when I'm 55 I don't want to be dealing with my child hitting puberty.

But I view early pregnancy as a potential child, not an actual child, so I'm not remotely squeamish about abortion (and was not too distressed about my two early miscarriages. It happens, I knew it was a statistical likelihood).
Other people crave larger families or have a more "life at conception" view, and that's fine too.

The important thing is that you think it all through, feel confident you are making the right choice for you and your kids, and act accordingly.

Have a (virtual) cuppa and a hug from me. I hope you gat the space to make your choice either way.