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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give DD her supper until she's apologised?

298 replies

CillaBlackFanOnIce · 19/07/2018 18:24

It's all cooked and ready, I'm eating mine as I type. But she has spent the last half an hour being so stunningly rude and unapologetic I've told her she can't have supper until I get an apology.

I generally go for a more gentle approach my parenting but at times she's so fucking stubborn, absolutely nothing gets through to her. I have no intention of making her go to bed hungry, but I do intend to get an apology and an understanding of how unacceptable her behaviour is.

AIBU?

OP posts:
MarieeBarone · 20/07/2018 17:42

YABVU. You do not punish by withholding food. Pudding or treats of course, her dinner?? Never.

BastardGoDarkly · 20/07/2018 17:47

Op? Hmm

boylovesmeerkats · 20/07/2018 17:48

"I do intend to get an apology and an understanding of how unacceptable her behaviour is."

You might not ever get that, let it go. You can't force her to think a certain way. You can make clear what impact her behaviour is having, but whether she apologises or listens to you is her lookout. Be the adult here.

pina · 20/07/2018 18:02

Usually for an 8-yo, if she is being rude, there will be a reason for it. Maybe someone at school made her feel horrible, or something. And maybe she cant tell you this, she doesn't have the ability to step outside of herself and figure it out.

You are the adult in this. Bad behaviour is often a cry for help, in some or other way. As is stubbornness. Don't get sucked into a stand-off; one of you has to back off and usually it's the adult who does that.

Also, food. Given how tricky relationships with food can become in adolescent girls (and boys, and older, etc), I'd keep away from it as a punishment or control thing.

Counsellingkids · 20/07/2018 18:17

She's really pushed your buttons! Kids sometimes know just how to do that don't they! Instead of witholding food until you get a (probably insincere) apology - something that might get you a different outcome is to, first and foremost, put yourself in her shoes and empathise with her out loud (even if she is being completely unreasonable, she will have a perspective and showing that you understand it will allow her to relax her stubborn stance a little). Then tell her exactly what behaviour she is exhibiting that is not acceptable to you and say IT IS NOT acceptable. Then suggest to her a more productive and respectful way she can communicate how she feels to you. For example... 'you were enjoying playing with the playdo and was really cross when I told you to put it away. You were so cross you threw it at me and called me a name. I'm not here to be called names or to have things thrown at me. That behaviour is not acceptable. However, you can tell me that you are angry about it and I'll listen.' I would be careful about forcing a child to apologise if they are not ready to. An apology should be spontaneous and sincere and we don't want to teach a child that insincere apologies are ok. The best way to teach about real apologies is to model how to do them...

ChrisNReed · 20/07/2018 18:21

I worked in child care.
This would be a crime of child abuse if it happened there.
Be careful.
She could escalate it too.
If it goes tits up, you are the adult and legally accountable as such.
If you didn't want to be pissed off by a child you should have stuck to the pill.
You should think about growing up.

Dungeondragon15 · 20/07/2018 18:22

didn't say it would achieve anything much, or was a particularly great idea, just that it was a far cry from abuse.

I don't agree that it is a "far cry" as given that OP seems to think it is a sensible successful approach and doesn't seem to get the fact that it is wrong (like some other posters) it may happen again. Regularly denying food to a child because you feel they have been rude could certainly be classed as abuse.

AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 20/07/2018 18:29

The smart kids turn the tables on this kind of parenting. They start to refuse food when they’re in a hump with Mum. Especially as teenagers when they know Mum is already worried they aren’t eating enough/the right stuff. Good luck if you’ve a stubborn one. Grin

dragonara53 · 20/07/2018 18:31

Bloody hell, what a lot of do gooders there are on here. One missed meal wouldn't hurt. When I was a child I was sent to bed many times with no evening meal as a punnishment. I did have an eating disorder in my teens but not due to my parents , oh no it was my own fault, yes tea was on the table when I got in from work but I was more interested in getting ready and going out I had no time for food. I lived on cups of tea and pints of beer. These posts do make me chuckle sometimes. A lot of the posters come across as having bugger all common sense. Some just need to take a chill pill or get their heads from up their arses.

Garofbalaxy · 20/07/2018 18:36

If she's being ungrateful and rude about the food you have made, then you are definitely not being unreasonable. My 11year old was meant to be in the house at 7pm last night, he wandered in the door at 8pm. Myself and my 5 year old had eaten our dinner by this point and the plate I put out for my oldest was freezing, I refused to heat it up as had he been home at the right time it would have been hot. He gave me a proper mouthful about being a bad mother and was warned that he could either eat his pasta cold, or not eat at all..his choice, but I wasn't reheating and I definitely wasn't making anything else. Missing one meal does not constitute neglect or child abuse, although some (judgemental) people would have you think otherwise.

TaraCave · 20/07/2018 18:38

ChrisNReed .... honestly is there a need for such viciousness? Should've stuck to the pill???? What a heartless comment

Boulty · 20/07/2018 18:42

you are sat eating whilst taping away on your phone on MN..... now that is rude...

your 8 year old is rude to you and you punish by withholding food for a period of time

Yep YABU

AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 20/07/2018 18:46

but I was more interested in getting ready and going out I had no time for food.

Because your parents told you food was optional, rather than essential. Can’t believe I’m actually having to point out the connection here!

AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 20/07/2018 18:48

He gave me a proper mouthful about being a bad mother and was warned that he could either eat his pasta cold, or not eat at all..his choice

He could have heated it himself.

mumknowsbest47 · 20/07/2018 18:48

You can’t use food as a punishment. Simple. That is cruel beyond belief. All kids are rude and stroppy at some point - find a more suitable way to deal with. No TV, early to bed, chores etc. #meanmum

Dancergirl · 20/07/2018 18:49

counselling excellent post.

I know from personal experience that often well-brought up children KNOW when they have been rude or over-stepped the mark and will apologise from their own free will.

My 11 year old dd (ASD) can lose it very quickly and sound rude and bratty. But if I keep calm she calms down very quickly and says sorry. She doesn't need a lecture or a punishment.

KindredSpirit1 · 20/07/2018 18:49

It's hot and humid or cold and wet. It's end of term, etc etc. Feed your child and quietly ask what's up with them and it wasn't nice to be rude. How would she like it if it was done to her.

Bekstar · 20/07/2018 19:11

It's wrong to punish by withholding food, my dad once casually mentioned how his dad used to do that and send to bed without supper in front of a friend who is a social worker and she informed him that they are taught to flag that as potential neglect, because as a parent its your responsibility to ensure that your child's basic needs are met. Failure to do that is neglect. Whether doing it as a punishment or not. You wouldn't remove your child's clothes and send them outside to punish them because it's wrong and clothing is a basic need, same as food and water, send her to bed early after she has eaten or take away privelages. It may have been considered acceptable back in the days but not any more I'm afraid.

RoseNarene · 20/07/2018 19:22

All these people crying about “human rights” etc... you realise you’re the reason kids today have such entitlement issues right?

YANBU but tbh the internet in general is a bad place to come for parenting advice. I do loads of things the Internet tells me I’m a terrible parent for and I don’t care. I’m an intelligent, moral person and I have faith in my parenting and the way I was brought up. You should too.

AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 20/07/2018 19:27

😂😂😂

Entitlement issues because they expect to eat. Spoiled brats aren’t they?

Pumpkinbell · 20/07/2018 19:32

Our DD 5 gets loud and irrutated if she is hungry hungry or really tired!! . OP I get where you are coming from but using food as a bargaining tool surely wont end well!!! Good luck

Bobbi73 · 20/07/2018 19:53

I haven't read the entire thread so this may have missed something.
My best friend was always sent to bed with no dinner as a punishment and it set her up for years and years of disordered eating in one form or another.
My kids suffer terribly from hanger and are always better after they've eaten.
I would say give her dinner and then sit down with her and talk about what's bothering her. Please don't punish with withholding food. It helps no-one and is not an appropriate punishment for any offence. Good luck 😀

Theflying19 · 20/07/2018 20:03

Perfectly reasonable. Children are not entitled to treat parents with huge disrespect and still sit down to tea without an apology. The child is not going to starve. It's not a battle over food. It's a line drawn over acceptable behaviour.

Mrseft · 20/07/2018 20:23

Nope, never punish with food, all other information irrelevant to me. Never punish with food. It can cause negative associations with eating and that just isn’t healthy. Food should never be used as a control point.

AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 20/07/2018 20:33

Children are not entitled to treat parents with huge disrespect and still sit down to tea without an apology.

They are actually. You could have the worst behaved child in the world and you still have a responsibility to feed them.

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