Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give DD her supper until she's apologised?

298 replies

CillaBlackFanOnIce · 19/07/2018 18:24

It's all cooked and ready, I'm eating mine as I type. But she has spent the last half an hour being so stunningly rude and unapologetic I've told her she can't have supper until I get an apology.

I generally go for a more gentle approach my parenting but at times she's so fucking stubborn, absolutely nothing gets through to her. I have no intention of making her go to bed hungry, but I do intend to get an apology and an understanding of how unacceptable her behaviour is.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ImperialLeather00 · 19/07/2018 21:46

Omg missvanjie! Love the name!
Vanjie, vanjie, Vanjie!!!!!
You have made my day!!!

upsideup · 19/07/2018 21:51

if people really think that withholding one meal (or even pudding according to a lot of you) after appalling rudeness is setting a child up for eating disorders or worthy of a visit from social services

Yes, I really do think that you are setting your child up to have an eating disorder by using food as a punishment or even as an award.
At 9 I started not eating whenever I felt I did anything wrong because I didnt think I deserved to be allowed to eat which is exactly what my mum had taught me, I stuggeled with anorexia for 20 years.

Anonnymouse54321 · 19/07/2018 21:51

Why ask then OP. You clearly think you did nothing wrong. You did by the way. You clearly stated she wasn't going to get her food until she gave you a sincere apology. Disgusting. But I'm sure you think it's a good idea and will do it again.

Dungeondragon15 · 19/07/2018 21:56

We have no reason to think she wouldn't have. She might have been annoyed that her DD was being so stubborn and refusing to apologise, and punished that in some way, but we have no reason to think she would actually have prevented her from feeding herself

So are assuming that an eight year old would be allowed to help herself to food from the cupboard at mealtimes? My children weren't allowed to do that when they were eight or any time unless they wanted fruit.

longestlurkerever · 19/07/2018 22:03

"So are assuming that an eight year old would be allowed to help herself to food from the cupboard at mealtimes? My children weren't allowed to do that when they were eight or any time unless they wanted fruit." I think this is getting a bit tortured now. I'm not talking about children having free rein of the cupboards without asking in normal circumstances. But we don't know what the OP would have said if the DD had said "I'm not apologising, I'll make myself a sandwich". But unless she said "no you are not, this food is out of bounds until you apologise" then no withholding of food has taken place.

AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 19/07/2018 22:10

I really cant imagine that someone who would refuse to hand over dinner in order to win a battle of wills with a child would accept the child just bypassing them and sorting their food themselves. If it was as simple as the op refusing to serve the food then she would have told the child she can get her own dinner and had her dish up her own plate. Because OP had it all cooked and ready. This wasn’t about serving the food this was about allowing her to eat the food.

ProperLavs · 19/07/2018 22:15

We can on,y hope that the vast majority of dissenting voices on here have at least given the op something to think about. Hopefully she'll find an appropriate way of dealing with her child next time.

PickAChew · 19/07/2018 22:17

More than ridiculous when a square meal would probably have improved her mood no end.

Rozzzzzalmost35 · 19/07/2018 22:18

@AnotherDayAnotherName745 the ONLY time my three year old has ever done anything naughty at nursery he was made to sit in the playroom for a few minutes after all the other children went for lunch before he went through for his lunch too. That was his punishment for non-food related naughtiness.

HateSummer · 19/07/2018 22:18

Don’t punish your children with food! Chocolates and sweets, yes. Proper meals, NO.

Can’t believe some people would withhold basic needs from kids like this Angry

Tinkobell · 19/07/2018 22:31

I've never used meals to punish my kids. Sweets and things yes. Not meals.

beclev24 · 20/07/2018 03:14

Agree with PPs that you shouldn't use food as a punishment. But a more radical approach which we've started with good effect is that punishment in general doesn't really work. If a kid is in a really foul mood, being rude etc, it is usually because they are feeling upset, and disconnected from you. It sounds really weird, and as though you are 'rewarding bad behavior' but actually if you try stopping what you are doing, softening your voice, giving her your full attention and saying something like "we really got off on the wrong track today and you are obviously feeling really bad. can we start again? " and ask her if there's anything wrong/ give her a hug, she will likely apologise to you much more genuinely rather than spitting out a resentful "sorry" just to get her dinner, and you can break the cycle.

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 20/07/2018 05:56

To be honest I've read your post and I can tell you're a shit, controlling parent.

This. Exactly this. From some comments it seems she’s not the only one Hmm

NeatFreakMama · 20/07/2018 06:05

I don't think you did a terrible thing, you were angry and dealing with some bad behaviour. Ultimately she could just apologise and get dinner. Obviously it would be better to not punish with food but we all react sometimes.

AgentJohnson · 20/07/2018 06:29

I have no intention of making her go to bed hungry, but I do intend to get an apology and an understanding of how unacceptable her behaviour is.

Er, is withholding food a stick or a carrot? If you’re not prepared to follow through on the threat then you are just undermining yourself. Withholding food is a rubbish punishment because usually it scares the parent more than the child, giving the child even more power. I get your frustration but you really haven’t thought this through.

gingergenius · 20/07/2018 07:17

What would you have done if she'd refused to apologise?

GinIsIn · 20/07/2018 07:20

God I hope you’re a troll. Food is not a weapon! Using food as a punishment is so wrong.

whathappenedtomyusername · 20/07/2018 07:29

Nope. Don't withhold food to control behaviour. Fucked up thing to do.

Yogagirl123 · 20/07/2018 07:31

Ridiculous OP, YABVVU, nothing my DC’ would ever do, would make me withhold food from them!

agnurse · 20/07/2018 07:40

Not only is food a human right, but punishing or rewarding with food can set your daughter up for a problem with food issues.

It's not reasonable to starve a child into submission. As the PPs have said, her behaviour is bound to get worse as her blood sugar will be low. Not to mention it's hard to sleep on an empty stomach so she'll be in bad moods tomorrow.

Maybugger · 20/07/2018 07:43

My mother withholding food (and being sent to my room) lead directly to me being a secret food binger; I would steal food from the pantry/fridge and stuff my face until I felt sick. I would then be physically punished for doing so. That was the pattern throughout my childhood- I was never sure if I would be 'good enough ' to eat with my family or not, so better eat when I can.
Very sad in retrospect, very damaging for years.

spidey66 · 20/07/2018 07:47

Not a parent, but feels wrong, somehow...yes refusing her 'treat food' such as a pudding or a glass of lemonade, but not her main course and water.

Kleinzeit · 20/07/2018 07:50

and if the daughter didn't apologise?

Well yes, that would have been a problem if her DD was a REALLY challenging child. The OP said she wouldn't send DD to bed hungry which would leave the OP over a barrel if her DD wasn't the kind to calm down quickly and say sorry before bedtime. But since the OP's DD seems to be a pretty easy kid (by my standards Grin) it's not really a problem.

I still think that the most effective bit of the OP's discipline was getting her DD to go to her room to calm herself down. She could do that again.

petrolpump28 · 20/07/2018 08:16

who has some strategies that have worked to suggest to the OP?

Dungeondragon15 · 20/07/2018 08:31

I think this is getting a bit tortured now. I'm not talking about children having free rein of the cupboards without asking in normal circumstances. But we don't know what the OP would have said if the DD had said "I'm not apologising, I'll make myself a sandwich". But unless she said "no you are not, this food is out of bounds until you apologise" then no withholding of food has taken place.

You are really clutching at straws! The vast majority of parents wouldn't let an 8 year old DCs help themselves to sandwiches at mealtimes and given that OP was trying to force her DD to apologise by not giving her tea it is hardly likely that she would have let her make herself a sandwich instead!!! How would that force an apology? The DD may prefer a sandwich so all it would do is mean OP had wasted her time cooking.