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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give DD her supper until she's apologised?

298 replies

CillaBlackFanOnIce · 19/07/2018 18:24

It's all cooked and ready, I'm eating mine as I type. But she has spent the last half an hour being so stunningly rude and unapologetic I've told her she can't have supper until I get an apology.

I generally go for a more gentle approach my parenting but at times she's so fucking stubborn, absolutely nothing gets through to her. I have no intention of making her go to bed hungry, but I do intend to get an apology and an understanding of how unacceptable her behaviour is.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Leapfrog44 · 20/07/2018 20:45

Nope. Don't do that. She'll swing it around and use not eating as a punishment towards you when she's older. Food should never become emotionally charged and be used to discipline, reward or get a reaction from someone else. It will backfire later.

I do think it's OK to say if you don't eat your dinner there's nothing else though. I'm not making you pancakes because you don't want your lentils. That's reasonable

Dungeondragon15 · 20/07/2018 20:51

Children are not entitled to treat parents with huge disrespect and still sit down to tea without an apology.

Of course they are, as are adults. Even mass murderers aren't denied food so why would it be okay to deny children food because they haven't been respectful enough.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 20/07/2018 20:58

Usual scenario of Op doing a runner because they don't like what they've heard. Next the thread will be deleted because it's got outing detail in it Hmm

LagunaBubbles · 20/07/2018 20:58

This is more of a 'you need to do x, before I provide y'

No its not. Food should never be used as a bargaining tool in any situation.

PickAChew · 20/07/2018 20:59

Garofbalaxy cold dinner is a pretty natural consequence of being late for dinner and does teach a lesson. No dinner is almost certainly unrelated to a child being rude and teaches nothing about either the true impact of their behaviour or how to improve it.

Lynne1Cat · 20/07/2018 21:06

You shouldn't punish a kid by withholding food. Let her eat it, but find a different way to punish her - don't let her watch a certain programme/play a certain game/send her to bed early. Incidentally, isn't it late to be giving her her meal now?

SoHairyAndForeverSpartacus · 20/07/2018 21:10

My parents used to send me to bed without food as punishment. They failed me in many, many other ways, but their controlling use of food as punishment has directly affected me since.

I was also stubborn. After the first few times, I realised that the punishment held no power over me because I was able to switch off listening to my body's hunger signals. I believed I was taking the power away from them - if it didn't bother me whether I ate or not, I became immune to that particular punishment. I honestly thought food was optional and even took pride in my ability to 'rebel' from their punishment by making myself feel immune to hunger. Of course they didn't know I was doing this - then they'd have changed the punishment to something else that did bother me.

Obviously this has left me with a very distorted relationship with food. I weighed 37kg at a particularly low point in my life recently. Only now in my 30's am I actually starting to understand how wrong all that was.

Please, never make food about control or punishment. Not if you love your children and want them to have healthy relationships with food as adults.

Valanice1989 · 20/07/2018 21:16

I don’t think anyone noticed except me. Because it was a very minor tap, the child wasn’t slapped or hit.

If it was just a "tap", not a slap or a hit, then how on Earth was the grandparent risking police/social service involvement? Being tapped doesn't hurt at all! Do you think that a man who taps his wife on the shoulder to get her attention is risking a domestic violence conviction? Confused

Pinkshowerpuff · 20/07/2018 21:39

My parents used to withhold food as a punishment. We would eat non food items like paper (sometimes out of books), cardboard, clean toilet roll etc

I remember one time though my sister said I had stolen a biscuit (I hadn't) they said until I admitted I had done it I wouldn't be fed...after 3 days I lied and said I had done it. I was so hungry I was just laying in my room and the roof of my mouth was aching.

It is very damaging.

Obviously I understand this is an extreme of what is happening in your particular situation. As you say, you plan to give your daughter her tea so just leave it at that and next time use a different concequence.

ittakes2 · 20/07/2018 21:55

You are sounding like a massive control freak abusing your power over her. Withholding nourishment until she does as you say? In the meantime you are eating while you withhold her food and boasting about it. One incident is unlikely to trigger poor food association issues for her - but keep teaching her food is a bargaining tool and you’ll need to start saving for that therapist you’ll need when she develops an eating disorder.

Chocolate50 · 20/07/2018 22:00

agree with all posters that suggest not punishing with food, it can lead to all sorts of problems, really, don't do it

keffie12 · 20/07/2018 22:12

No f way should you withold food! I cant believe i am reading this in this generation. I was born in the 60s and a teen in the 70s. This was a regular punishment then. It is the most vile horrible punishment to give.

This is not a consequence for bad behaviour. You remove other privileges. You never ever remove food. It gives the wrong impression of food relationship, it's punitive and that is polite as I can be.

Just no no no

Teacher22 · 20/07/2018 22:14

Stick to your guns this time as you have made an issue of the food denial and if the DD wins it will set a precedent.

However, make it clear to her that food will only figure in future in that if she is rude and disobedient she will get food but it will be plain and not what she wants.

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 20/07/2018 22:16

Stick to your guns this time as you have made an issue of the food denial and if the DD wins it will set a precedent

However, make it clear to her that food will only figure in future in that if she is rude and disobedient she will get food but it will be plain and not what she wants

Vile. I pity your children if you have any.

BlackberryandNettle · 20/07/2018 22:19

We'll not a tactic I'd use as it probably wouldn't bother my kids as we struggle to get them to eat! Also if older I'd worry about triggering eating issues.

All the posts about duty to nourish etc though are a bit extreme.... A well nourished child isn't going to become malnourished through missing one dinner!

AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 20/07/2018 22:25

Some right weirdos about. Telling your child their punishments will consist of plain food. It’s like something dickens wrote.

milliemolliemou · 20/07/2018 22:42

The OP and her DD have settled it. Her DD wasn't suffering from hanger and had had post-school snacks. She and her DD eventually discussed the issue after DD apologised. The DD ate. I don't think a lifetime of eating problems has been set up there.

This isn't parental abuse. The OP may next time choose to use a different method when her daughter behaves appallingly because this thread has the occasional good suggestion for those of us who learn the patience to deal with abuse from their children.

But if the SS were to be asked to get involved with a mother who has resolved an issue with her DD - who has eaten - I despair. There is so much more out there that needs their attention. Including children who investigate school bins because their parents are off their heads and don't feed them. Or SS organisations like children's homes where staff can't physically stop kids going out to meet their abusers. And - this only my experience - many of the girls who suffer from anorexia or bulimia as I did - were just trying to fit into their peers world and over-achieving.

kateandme · 21/07/2018 00:02

sohairyandforeverspartacus
im so sorry of your struggles.and you said recently aswell?please take care of yourself.that does sound ever so poorly.
you can do this.dont ever believe thoughts that tell you to withhold something your body and mind deserves.becasue you deserve to live.and be safe within it.hold tight.
sorry to totally sidestep the thread but I don't care,your post caught me out.

Babysgotyoureyes · 21/07/2018 00:30

What century are you living in?? You're being ridiculous. Feed the child and discuss her behaviour and apology afterwards. You should NEVER punish a child by withholding food.

BlahBlahRidiculous · 21/07/2018 01:25

Bahaha
There is another thread going at the moment and the overwhelming majority of replies are telling the OP she should have made her fussy 9 year old wait for dinner while the others eat.
Apparently she won't starve having to wait for one meal and it will teach her she can't be so picky - yet on this thread it's being suggested delaying one meal to expect good manners is child abuse!

Denise3011 · 21/07/2018 07:05

The comments on here! 😂😂
“It’s an essential meal” “you will scar her for life” “it’s mental punishment” Jesus Christ have a word with yourselves! This site cracks me up everyday, you’re all raising little snowflakes!
Kid isn’t in Africa, having waited 3 days for some rice. She probably had lunch and snacks and is being a little brat.
Mum should expect an apology and show the daughter that she won’t stand for rudeness in her home whilst being her maid!
YANBU!!

Dungeondragon15 · 21/07/2018 07:23

But if the SS were to be asked to get involved with a mother who has resolved an issue with her DD - who has eaten - I despair. There is so much more out there that needs their attention.

Why would you despair? If a child tell their teachers at school that their parent wouldn't give them food in the evening because they had been rude do you not think that the school should report it? I certainly would hope so. I am not suggesting that social services would remove the child from the parent as a consequence in this scenario but I would hope that they would find out what is actually happening.

Dungeondragon15 · 21/07/2018 07:26

There is another thread going at the moment and the overwhelming majority of replies are telling the OP she should have made her fussy 9 year old wait for dinner while the others eat.

I haven't read the thread but is it one where the child is being given food but refusing to eat it and the OP doesn't want to make something different? If so that is entirely different. Can you not see that?

Dungeondragon15 · 21/07/2018 07:31

This site cracks me up everyday, you’re all raising little snowflakes!

So you think people who would never send their children to bed without tea as a punishment are raising "snowflakes"?!! Considering that stopped being a punishment in the 1950s (and even then many parents objected) the great majority of people in this country must be snowflake by your definition.

Zebra31 · 21/07/2018 08:06

this site cracks me up everyday, you’re all raising little snowflakes!

Is that because some/a lot of us don’t believe withholding food from 8 year olds as a form of punishment is appropriate? In this case made worse by the mother scoffing said food in front of the child. Bonkers.