To not give DD her supper until she's apologised?

[CillaBlackFanOnIce]

It's all cooked and ready, I'm eating mine as I type. But she has spent the last half an hour being so stunningly rude and unapologetic I've told her she can't have supper until I get an apology.

I generally go for a more gentle approach my parenting but at times she's so fucking stubborn, absolutely nothing gets through to her. I have no intention of making her go to bed hungry, but I do intend to get an apology and an understanding of how unacceptable her behaviour is.

AIBU?

I thought that too Ennirem

It sounds as if just sending her off to her room to calm down did the trick.

I don't think withholding food had anything to do with it, one way or the other.

if people really think that withholding one meal (or even pudding according to a lot of you) after appalling rudeness is setting a child up for eating disorders or worthy of a visit from social services.

She won't necessarily say that her mother has withheld one meal after appalling rudeness though will she? She might say that her mother wouldn't let her eat the day before because she said she had been naughty (or word to that effect). The school won't know that it has only happened once and won't happen again. As for eating disorders, I think that using food as a form of control could well backfire in the future.

So if a child is throwing food while they eat, or punching their classmates as they sip their juice box, their right to immediate access to food trumps all else, their meal mustn't be interrupted, and the other kids have to just put up with it?
I struggle to believe schools have really reached that point.

Don't be so bloody silly. If this happens- and it certainly does at my school the child eats on their own in a room with a member of staff. They are never prevented from having their lunch, ever.

It isn't about this poor child being threatened with lack of super and therefore being malnourished and starving- she won't be- it's one meal. It's the abuse of parental power that's the issue here. I'd better do what mum says or she'll take my dinner away.

It may be sorted but you are VU to withhold food from a child. The years I have been on this site I have rarely (maybe twice before) said this but Op that form of punishment is frankly shit parenting.

Wow withholding food as punishment ... I wonder if she'll associate bad behaviour with starvation as a teen and punish herself with starvation .... it's a dangerous road Op.

Bullying an 8 year old. What a special person you are.

Bad idea to use food as a punishment.

There are too many crazy posts to reply to, but re my earlier comment on seeing a toddler given a very minor tap on the leg in the supermarket, it wasn’t slapping or hitting and it was a million miles away from child abuse. I say this as the parent of two adopted dds who were subjected to sickening neglect and abuse by birth family.
hairyhands the op stated she had no intention of sending her dd to bed hungry.
properlavs I might have known it would only be a matter of time before some well meaning fool started bleating about abuse of parental power.
Most of you on this thread are completely and utterly nuts.

Be a good parent. Model civilised and reasonable behaviour.

Go to her and apologise for allowing your temper to get the better of you.

Give her her supper.

Sit down together afterwards and tell her how her behaviour made you feel, and ask if she could watch her mouth in future.

Fucking hell, now it’s “bullying.”
I despair, I really do.

The OP might have no intention of sending her DD to bed hungry but the DD might be off in her room sulking and might fall asleep before the impasse is broken.

You then have a child who effectively went to bed hungry, and nobody reconnects before that happens.

I wonder where your DD gets her stubbornness from?!

It's irrelevant that she apologised on this occasion, OP.

Next time she may not apologise before bedtime. Take away toys, tablet etc but don't use witholding food as a punishment.

I used to work on an eating disorder unit.
I met many patients over the years, and none of them ever had their ED as a result of being told to apologise before they could eat.

I have adopted children who were subjected to sickening neglect and abuse....... BUT... reads the same as My best friend is black etc..... BUT...

Don’t use your DC history. If you think it’s OK to use physical punishment (smacking/tapping whatever) to control kids then just say I think it’s OK to hit kids as a form of punishment.

I don’t feel comfortable withholding a meal, a dessert however - go ahead.

Always makes me think of the dolphins/orcas not being fed if they haven’t done as they’re told

Op, it's the same as saying she can't have a drink, can't wear clean clothes, can't go to bed until she has apologised, all that basic stuff that you should be giving her unconditionally. And yes it is an abuse of power.

Of course you're withholding food. If you refuse to give her food until she apologised then you're withholding food.
The fact that she apologised and got fed doesn't mean you didn't withhold food.

Next time withhold something else.

People massively underestimate the emotional connection to food and how fragile it is. It’s really not the same as withholding a special toy or a fun day out.

I met many patients over the years, and none of them ever had their ED as a result of being told to apologise before they could eat.

Hardly surprising considering that the vast majority of parents don't deny children food as a punishment. It doesn't mean that using food as a form of control would never be a contributing factor though.

it wasn’t slapping or hitting and it was a million miles away from child abuse. I say this as the parent of two adopted dds who were subjected to sickening neglect and abuse by birth family.

Did you tell the social workers you would be using physical “discipline” on your daughters?

Yes I agree with dungeondragon

*Wow withholding food as punishment ... I wonder if she'll associate bad behaviour with starvation as a teen and punish herself with starvation

Yes of course this will happen....what a joke