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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give DD her supper until she's apologised?

298 replies

CillaBlackFanOnIce · 19/07/2018 18:24

It's all cooked and ready, I'm eating mine as I type. But she has spent the last half an hour being so stunningly rude and unapologetic I've told her she can't have supper until I get an apology.

I generally go for a more gentle approach my parenting but at times she's so fucking stubborn, absolutely nothing gets through to her. I have no intention of making her go to bed hungry, but I do intend to get an apology and an understanding of how unacceptable her behaviour is.

AIBU?

OP posts:
AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 19/07/2018 19:25

I'm not witholding food

I've told her she can't have supper until I get an apology.

Of course you were withholding food. That’s exactly what “can’t have supper until you do what I say” is.

Papergirl1968 · 19/07/2018 19:31

Massive over reaction from most of the posters on here, imo.
I honestly think common sense has flown out of the window when it comes to disciplining children, if people really think that withholding one meal (or even pudding according to a lot of you) after appalling rudeness is setting a child up for eating disorders or worthy of a visit from social services.
I saw a toddler get a very minor tap on the leg in the supermarket today and it was actually quite refreshing to see a grandparent (I think) not afraid to risk muttered comments, disapproving stares, and calls to the police and social workers.
Glad it’s been sorted, Op.

TaraCave · 19/07/2018 19:32

It's all sorted now though. Child's had her dinner. Everyones calmed down. Mum had a little vent on MN and all's good now Smile

AnotherDayAnotherName745 · 19/07/2018 19:32

What is the "valuable life lesson"? That food can be used to control.hmm
No, that if you are rude, you may have to apologise before the person you were nasty to does things for you. That is how life is, is it not?

If she confides in school staff that she isn't allowed to eat if naughty it will be a safeguarding issue.

Firstly, it isn't that she isn't allowed to eat, that was ever suggested, she just had to say sorry first.

Secondly, do you think that if a DC is properly rude to their teacher, as they are queueing to go for lunch, that the teacher wouldn't expect an apology before sending the child to eat? Do you really believe that a school would never ask a child to do something, before they have their lunch? That is all the OP did.

MarshaBradyo · 19/07/2018 19:33

Don’t use food as punishment

TaraCave · 19/07/2018 19:35

Another day.... that would just not happen in a school!
Any teacher preventing a child from going for their lunch until they apologise would find themselves in very hit water with the board of governors, the parents and the LA

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/07/2018 19:37

I used to get sent to bed without dinner occasionally - and my mum would then feel sorry and bring food upstairs. I never touched it.

Be careful, OP. This isn't the way, I don't think. Food, shelter, clothing - basic. Find another way to make your point.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/07/2018 19:39

if people really think that withholding one meal (or even pudding according to a lot of you) after appalling rudeness is setting a child up for eating disorders or worthy of a visit from social services.!
But it's one meal this time, if she hasn't apologised would it have been supper, breakfast etc? If the kids have kept refusing would op have given up this making not feeding her tonight pointless or let it go on for longer? And teaching a child that bad behaviour means no food, only good children get food is an unhealthy lesson which she will learn if Op persists in refusing her child meals every time she's not happy with her behaviour

JellyBears · 19/07/2018 19:39

let her eat but give her no attention, withholding food isn’t a good idea.

ProperLavs · 19/07/2018 19:41

You are on really dodgy ground OP. If a child told me this at work I would be obliged to record it and hand it to the safeguarding lead.

mikado1 · 19/07/2018 19:43

Do you like getting meaningless apologies? I don't so never force mine to and then the sincere ones mean so much more. It is hard when you're at the end of your tether and you feel like 'I'll show her!' but deep breath and see it as something going on with her. I'd row back on it and she might explain her issue/apologize herself. As they say, no one behaves better by being made to feel bad. I'd say 'I didn't handle that well, I was frustrated by your rudeness and I couldn't understand it. I should have said 'Dd I can see you're not yourself, let me know if you want to talk. It's not ok to be rude to us though.' Get her to sit down and eat and you'll all feel better. I find killing with kindness so much more effective than punishment.

ProperLavs · 19/07/2018 19:43

Very simply- as a parent you do not refuse or withold the basics. Those being food, water, shelter, clothing and warmth.

MyWaterButtIsEmpty · 19/07/2018 19:43

Papergirl1968 you and I have a very different idea of what common sense involves, to be it most certainly doesn't involve a grandparent slapping a child Angry or holding back meals until a child has complied with an adults demands.

overnightangel · 19/07/2018 19:45

“Ahhhh, MN at it's finest”
No just recognising shit parenting

ProperLavs · 19/07/2018 19:45

anotherday no, children at school go and get their lunch when it is their turn to get lunch. Any sanctions given because of poor behaviour is worked around them eating.

Kittykat93 · 19/07/2018 19:47

OP you've come on here asking if you're being unreasonable, and then don't like it when people are telling you you are.

As pps have said, don't use food as a punishment.

wellBeehivedWoman · 19/07/2018 19:49

Don't use food as a punishment. Not only will it give her a hang up, but providing nourishment is one of your basic, unconditional responsibilities as a parent.

MyWaterButtIsEmpty · 19/07/2018 19:51

I think this is MN at it's finest, calling out a shut parenting decision and standing up for the kid rather than just posting sanctimonious "aw ur kid ur roolz hunny" bollocks.

AnotherDayAnotherName745 · 19/07/2018 19:52

Any sanctions given because of poor behaviour is worked around them eating

So if a child is throwing food while they eat, or punching their classmates as they sip their juice box, their right to immediate access to food trumps all else, their meal mustn't be interrupted, and the other kids have to just put up with it?
I struggle to believe schools have really reached that point.

Dungeondragon15 · 19/07/2018 19:52

*No, that if you are rude, you may have to apologise before the person you were nasty to does things for you. That is how life is, is it not?

If an adult is rude they are not denied food though are they? They may be denied a favour from the person that they were rude to but not food. So not really a life lesson.

AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 19/07/2018 19:53

if people really think that withholding one meal (or even pudding according to a lot of you) after appalling rudeness is setting a child up for eating disorders or worthy of a visit from social services.

It’s never just one meal though. People are creatures of habit. Especially if they find one tactic “works”. They’ll use it again.

lostfrequencies · 19/07/2018 19:54

Typical AIBU post. OP: AIBU? Everyone: YABU. OP: No I'm not.

I really would have hoped that some of the responses made you reconsider your actions.

Ennirem · 19/07/2018 19:54

papergirl so disturbing that seeing a toddler be hit has apparently brightened up your day. Jesus.

Stirner · 19/07/2018 19:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ILikeyourHairyHands · 19/07/2018 19:55

So if she didn't apologise were you just never going to feed her again?

I don't believe in forced apologies, as they're just an insincere exercise in going through the motions until normal service is resumed (or alternatively result in a ridiculous battle of wills).