To not give DD her supper until she's apologised?

[CillaBlackFanOnIce]

It's all cooked and ready, I'm eating mine as I type. But she has spent the last half an hour being so stunningly rude and unapologetic I've told her she can't have supper until I get an apology.

I generally go for a more gentle approach my parenting but at times she's so fucking stubborn, absolutely nothing gets through to her. I have no intention of making her go to bed hungry, but I do intend to get an apology and an understanding of how unacceptable her behaviour is.

AIBU?

yes children/childhood and food has a big big impact on the relationship many adults have with food. Not just having food withheld but hose who were forced to clear their plates and then continue to do so in adulthood even though they're not really hungry, all that shit.

Er... YABU. Food should never be a punishment or a reward. DD 10 gets completely out of control when she's out after school, because she's introverted. We just don't go out after school now. If she doesn't stop something when I ask her, I take her tablet off her for the rest of the evening. Try and make the punishment something she cares about.

That's terrible

I'm interested to know what would have happened if your dd didn't apologise OP?

She won't die.

Or just offer her toast to eat if you're feeling soft.

You as the grown up should show by example how to conduct yourself in a caring and loving way.
Put your phone away, give your child a hug and tell her you love her, and give her the food you have made.

OP it's really sad that you haven't taken any of the comments on board.

It's not a joke to imagine that using food as part of a power struggle with your child could contribute towards an eating disorder or unhealthy attitude to food later. It won't happen every time and it wouldn't be the only factor in developing an eating disorder but it could definitely contribute.

why are you having super at 6.30 what time do you have dinner

TBH I'm in the "everyone's being overreacting" camp. Totally agree "withholding food as punishment" would be awful, but that's not really what this is. In the context of a loving relationship the OP's dd knows she is not going to starve. She is just being told that courtesy is non-negotiable when someone is doing something for you like serving you dinner. My dd has been appallingly demanding lately too and I have warned her that if she says something like "I want milk" again that I am not going to say "is there a please with that?" ant more - I am simply not going to get it and she can fetch it herself or do without.

She is just being told that courtesy is non-negotiable when someone is doing something for you like serving you dinner.

So the DD could have gotten herself something to eat and bypassed OP altogether?

Serving your daughter her dinner is not doing something that is optional though.

Paper, obviously OP would not never feed her daughter again, I was clearly being hyperbolic.

But if her DD had refused to apologise and OP stuck by her word, withheld supper and then brought toast and milk up later to a still-unrepentant DD, exactly what lesson is being learnt?

So the DD could have gotten herself something to eat and bypassed OP altogether? - Well yes, exactly, that's why I think everyone is being melodramatic. It is not at all the same thing as making the DD apologise in order to be permitted a basic human right. It's asking her to apologise before she partakes in a meal that's been cooked and served for her. Like if my dd said "more water" (as she has been known to do lately) I might be disinclined to jump up and get it. She knows where the tap is.

Papergirl1968 if the 'tap' on the leg which risked tuts and disapproving stares wasn't hitting or slapping then what exactly was it? A tap, of the kind designed to catch attention rather than the kind designed to hurt or sting, wouldn't draw those looks. You're backtracking and contradicting yourself because you don't like the accurate language used to describe a physical punishment used on a very small child.

and if the daughter didn't apologise? What would happen at breakfast, lunch etc? This is one reason why it is such a shit and lazy way to punish a child.

Well yes, exactly, that's why I think everyone is being melodramatic.

But could she though? Would OP have allowed that?

MyWaterButtIsEmpty I don’t think anyone noticed except me. Because it was a very minor tap, the child wasn’t slapped or hit. I’m not backtracking or contradicting myself.
AWomanIsAnAdultHumanBeing I don’t say anywhere that I use physical discipline on my dds. Just that I can’t get worked up about seeing someone give a misbehaving child a very minor tap on the leg.
Looks like the Op has sensibly withdrawn to care for her child. I’m off to do the same because there’s no reasoning with stupid.

@AWoman. We have no reason to think she wouldn't have. She might have been annoyed that her DD was being so stubborn and refusing to apologise, and punished that in some way, but we have no reason to think she would actually have prevented her from feeding herself, which is what "withholding food" would actually have involved, given she's not a helpless infant.

Because it was a very minor tap, the child wasn’t slapped or hit.

Then what was the point of your anecdote? Why would anyone tut at someone getting their child’s attention? Was it designed to be a punishment or not?

It’s strange isn’t it, when you hear people speaking approvingly of physically chastising children, it’s always both an effective deterrent yet simultaneously something they would hardly even notice and didn’t hurt or leave a mark

Schroedinger’s smack

Funny eh

So a tap that didn’t hurt, like a pat on the arm

What a thing to notice

Schroedinger's smack 😂

I don’t say anywhere that I use physical discipline on my dds.

Not what I asked. Did you tell SS you would be using physical discipline on your daughters?

Indeed missvanjie