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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give DD her supper until she's apologised?

298 replies

CillaBlackFanOnIce · 19/07/2018 18:24

It's all cooked and ready, I'm eating mine as I type. But she has spent the last half an hour being so stunningly rude and unapologetic I've told her she can't have supper until I get an apology.

I generally go for a more gentle approach my parenting but at times she's so fucking stubborn, absolutely nothing gets through to her. I have no intention of making her go to bed hungry, but I do intend to get an apology and an understanding of how unacceptable her behaviour is.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Sugarpiehoneyeye · 19/07/2018 18:56

You've got this all wrong. Feed your little girl.

ParisNext · 19/07/2018 18:56

Awful! Food is essentially fuel. Her stare of mind (and yours) may be very different once you've eaten and had some water. If you want to make a point then withhold a treat like a pudding if you must but seriously can't see what you are trying to teach her, she's 8!

missmouse101 · 19/07/2018 18:57

Hmmm. I can understand the op feeling like she doesn’t want to share her company during the meal, due to very rude behaviour. I don’t think it’s the crime of the century!

MalloryLaurel · 19/07/2018 18:57

Don't use food as a punishment. Except pudding obviously.
Use logical consequences. If she is rude/unkind she needs to do a job for you to make it up to you. So she could do some washing up for example. Mine are slightly older and when ds2 was rude to me , his job was to push the hoover round downstairs. I did feel better.

AtrociousCircumstance · 19/07/2018 18:58

Don’t punish with food.

Unless you’re interested in giving her eating disorders? Hmm

Pudding withdrawal is fine I think, but dinner?! Nope.

TaraCave · 19/07/2018 19:02

I dont agree with pudding withdrawal either. Sorry, but i dont think any part of a meal should be used as punishment or a bargaining tool

AnotherDayAnotherName745 · 19/07/2018 19:03

It is NOT OK to withhold food as a punishment.
Everyone is using the phrase 'punishing by withholding food' - you make it sound as if the DD did something and the OP has simply said she's getting no tea, full stop. Also the 'feed your child's, sounds like the DD is a helpless baby who could come to harm if she waits 20 minutes to be fed!

This is more of a 'you need to do x, before I provide y'. It's not asking a lot for the DD to simply apologize for being rude, and she's old enough to understand what she has done wrong, and how to fix things, she's just being stubborn.
Personally, I think the DD needs to learn that life involves give and take and being nasty does not get you what you want. She will come to no harm from waiting for her tea until she is respectful, and in the long run she'll be learning valuable life lessons.

MynameisJune · 19/07/2018 19:04

Why would this even cross your mind that food is punishment?

Also you’ve already said you’re not following through so what was the point in the threat?

AnotherDayAnotherName745 · 19/07/2018 19:06

and had some water
I pretty sure the OP didn't say she had also stopped her DD having water, this is just trying to make it more dramatic Hmm

Hawkie · 19/07/2018 19:06

But she has spent the last half an hour being so stunningly rude and unapologetic

She's probably hungry.

TaraCave · 19/07/2018 19:10

Anotherdayanothername ..... that's a very black & white way of looking at it. And that type of patenting attitude in my view isn't conducive to maintaining healthy relationships in a family.

Oogle · 19/07/2018 19:11

This has made me feel a bit sick to be honest. She’s a child. Give her supper. Never use food as a punishment.

I really hope you’ve fed her now.

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 19/07/2018 19:11

I think YABU (but understandably I have a stubborn one too). It would be a completely pointless apology as she would just be saying it to get her dinner and she'll know full well you're not actually going to starve her anyway.

AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 19/07/2018 19:11

This is more of a 'you need to do x, before I provide y'.

Naughty boy- no toilet roll until you behave better

That was bold Jane- you’re having no hot water for baths for a week

Daniel If you throw your shoes again you’re having no shoes for 2 days.

All the same as withholding food.

Dungeondragon15 · 19/07/2018 19:12

Food is a basic human right and should not be used to punish. What's the point in a apology anyway if she is just doing it for food. It's not as if she will be truly sorry. If you start using food to control her you may regret it when she is a teenager as she may use it to control you..

pointythings · 19/07/2018 19:12

Way to set up lifetime issues with food. Feed your DD.

Cinnamus · 19/07/2018 19:12

It's the sort of thing they do in France all the time. French children definitely seem better behaved than UK children..

TaraCave · 19/07/2018 19:12

100% agree with these examples

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 19/07/2018 19:14

Food should never be used as a punishment.

If she confides in school staff that she isn't allowed to eat if naughty it will be a safeguarding issue.

Original poster
CillaBlackFanOnIce · 19/07/2018 19:14

Ahhhh, MN at it's finest Wink

I'm not witholding food, as I made clear in my OP. I really understand why people get upset with the whole using food as punishment thing, really I do. DD knows I mean it when I say she needs to apologise and she knows I know when it's not sincere. The reason I haven't come back until now is that she came downstairs, apologised and we had a decent conversation about what had happened before eating our meal together. She's now sitting at the table drawing quite happily having had a decent meal. She wasn't hangry, she'd had sufficient snacks after school.

OP posts:
Dungeondragon15 · 19/07/2018 19:14

She will come to no harm from waiting for her tea until she is respectful, and in the long run she'll be learning valuable life lessons.

What is the "valuable life lesson"? That food can be used to control.Hmm

TaraCave · 19/07/2018 19:14

I mean the examples of the no shoes etc.
NOT the example of French children Hmm

Dungeondragon15 · 19/07/2018 19:15

If she confides in school staff that she isn't allowed to eat if naughty it will be a safeguarding issue.

Yes, they might report OP to social services.

Maybugger · 19/07/2018 19:16

Like Sue51 I'm a child of the '50's and on a regular basis I would be sent to bed without lunch/dinner (often both) for some perceived misdemeanour. It was never applied to my sisters.
It lead me to have a very unhappy childhood, an unhealthy attitude towards food and very low self esteem.
Don't use withholding food as a punishment op.

TaraCave · 19/07/2018 19:17

Ah OP that's lovely!
Glad it's all calmed down. Hope you have a nice evening now while the rest of us get on our high horses about you not actually starving your child!!!!