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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What's happening?

169 replies

ihatesquats · 19/07/2018 12:38

Please MN, can I have an outside perspective on this?

Over the past few months I have become suspicious of H, something is off, he has mood swings that are becoming more frequent, he wants more sex, but only when he wants, if I try, he's always tired. He's also becoming very particular with his clothes, just to name a few changes.

Sorry this is getting longer that I thought, anyway, I had to use his car today and mine is in for an MOT and curiosity got the better of me and I checked his history on the sat nav, there's quite a few industrial estates that have come up, within the same area. No biggy, some of you might say. But he works nights, and uses his car quite often. Now I'm assuming most industrial estates aren't open gone midnight.

So I decided to check his phone, he has changed his passcode. I don't know when this was done,but a couple of years ago we agreed that I would have full access to his phone.(he was talking to 3 girls on dating sites, nothing to suggest they had met up, but he had their profile pics saved)

Can it all be innocent, don't want to drip feed but will post more if relevant. Tia.

OP posts:
AjasLipstick · 19/07/2018 12:40

Industrial estates make me think of dogging or prostitutes OP. :(

Original poster
ihatesquats · 19/07/2018 12:47

@AjasLipstick my first thought was prostitutes, because said area is around 10 mins from the red light district.
I'd previously seen dodgy sites on his search history, the kind where 'you find someone local'

A part of me thinks iabu and paranoid.

OP posts:
causeimunderyourspell · 19/07/2018 12:48

You are not just being paranoid!! This is screaming prostitutes to me, you know that too. I'd be packing his shit and getting yourself an STI test Thanks

starlight2017 · 19/07/2018 12:50

He was talking to girls on dating sites after you were a couple?

Sorry, but there’s your answer.

KittyVonCatsworth · 19/07/2018 12:54

Another one here who thinks either prostitutes or dogging. You poor love, any trust you built up after the last time has been destroyed and that must hurt Flowers

Gazelda · 19/07/2018 12:54

Whatever is happening, I think you are right to be suspicious.

Original poster
ihatesquats · 19/07/2018 12:56

@starlight2017 2 years after we got married.
He was living in a different city on weekdays for work, I'd see him every weekend and 3 weekdays a month. He said he did it because he was bored and after he'd had a drink

2 nights ago he came home stinking of booze when he'd sworn he would never drink again because he can't handle it.

OP posts:
Original poster
ihatesquats · 19/07/2018 12:57

Before he makes it seem like it's all in my head, I'm right in thinking industrial estates aren't usually open at night aren't I?

OP posts:
UndergroundSun · 19/07/2018 13:06

I work near a few industrial estates, they aren't gated so technically you could go in at any time. Actually one is definitely open all night as I know someone who does shifts in a unit there. Incidentally many prostitutes hang around these industrial estates after dark.

Angie169 · 19/07/2018 13:13

I work on a industrial estate, it's still very busy at night as it is the easiest time for large trucks and outsized loads to be moved around , local cafe is always busy with staff from near by company's.
If your DH has no links with the company's that it looks like he has been to I would be suspicious but if he does have links with them it may be that he seeing whom ever he has to deal with

Original poster
ihatesquats · 19/07/2018 14:36

@Angie169 ,@UndergroundSun he's been working in the same field for 3 years and we used to share a car not so long ago and I've never noticed the industrial estates. One in particular looks like it's been visited at least 3 times, last night it was there at 12.28 am. He finishes work at 12am. He came back between me going to sleep at 12.50am and 2.35am, when I was up with little dc.

I'm back home soon and will see him before he leaves, I don't know wether to bring it up or wait and see if I notice anything else.

OP posts:
AjasLipstick · 19/07/2018 14:38

Don't let him near you physically. Not even with a condom on.

Bringing it up will probably result in denial. Do you love him?

Hidingtonothing · 19/07/2018 14:42

I wouldn't say anything yet, you need solid proof he can't wriggle out of if he is up to something.

Readyfortheschoolhols · 19/07/2018 14:42

Have you checked the car for condoms?

Original poster
ihatesquats · 19/07/2018 14:44

I do love him and the thought of him being with a prostitute, or anybody else, is killing me. We've been together almost 15 years, since we were 15/16 years old.
If I walk away, and it turns out nothing is going on, I know I will regret it.
The not knowing is so hard.

OP posts:
Original poster
ihatesquats · 19/07/2018 14:46

@Readyfortheschoolhols I did have a look around the car, not for condoms in particular, nothing out of ordinary in there. It had a valet yesterday so he could have easily cleaned everything out.

I've had to get out of the house, need to pick up the dc soon and my head is a mess.

OP posts:
happypoobum · 19/07/2018 14:48

@AjasLipstick my first thought was prostitutes, because said area is around 10 mins from the red light district.
I'd previously seen dodgy sites on his search history, the kind where 'you find someone local'

Why are you saying "the not knowing is hard?" YOU DO KNOW!!!!

Bless you but you are burying your head in the sand here. He got caught out before, you swept it all under the carpet, which gave him the green light to continue.

As PP have said, you need STI test, get your ducks in a row financially. Can you talk to someone in real life? Flowers

happypoobum · 19/07/2018 14:49

who decided car needed a valet?

Original poster
ihatesquats · 19/07/2018 14:56

@happypoobum he did.
That's the thing last time I knew everything before I confronted him. This time it's just the addresses on the sat nav, which he could easily say is work related. I can't get into his phone.
Re finances, all I have is a few hundred out away, everything else is in the joint account.

OP posts:
Movablefeast · 19/07/2018 14:58

Having tests for an STI as well as being wise in your situation could unfortunately provide you with the proof you need if positive. For your health and well-being it would be wise.

So sorry OP Flowers

AjasLipstick · 19/07/2018 15:00

I'd follow him. I know that's probably silly but I would. Or I'd put a tracking device on his phone or a recording device in the car.

Loopylou6 · 19/07/2018 15:03

Would his job reasonably take him to these industrial estates?

Original poster
ihatesquats · 19/07/2018 15:29

@Loopylou6 it's possible, but the timings are off. He went there last night after he finished work.
All I need for my own sanity is to see something on his phone

OP posts:
Laiste · 19/07/2018 15:50

He might be going there as a quiet to park up and text/chat with women. Somewhere he thinks he won’t be seen.

BunsOfAnarchy · 19/07/2018 16:03

When i first met my now husband, we were horny teenagers always looking for the best place to have a quickie in the car. Industrial estates were THE place to go as they were dimly lit, hardly any chance of any passers by on foot and barely any chance of other vehicles coming....until the drug dealers moved in and we shit our pants and decided on using a good old fashioned bed for sexy time.

It could be 1 of 3 things;

  1. Sex with other woman/prostitutes
  2. Illegal activity. Buying/selling substances
  3. Dodging work for a nap during his night shift...

Im more inclined to say number 1 though.

Sorry OP x

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