What's happening?

[ihatesquats]

Please MN, can I have an outside perspective on this?

Over the past few months I have become suspicious of H, something is off, he has mood swings that are becoming more frequent, he wants more sex, but only when he wants, if I try, he's always tired. He's also becoming very particular with his clothes, just to name a few changes.

Sorry this is getting longer that I thought, anyway, I had to use his car today and mine is in for an MOT and curiosity got the better of me and I checked his history on the sat nav, there's quite a few industrial estates that have come up, within the same area. No biggy, some of you might say. But he works nights, and uses his car quite often. Now I'm assuming most industrial estates aren't open gone midnight.

So I decided to check his phone, he has changed his passcode. I don't know when this was done,but a couple of years ago we agreed that I would have full access to his phone.(he was talking to 3 girls on dating sites, nothing to suggest they had met up, but he had their profile pics saved)

Can it all be innocent, don't want to drip feed but will post more if relevant. Tia.

I think you do know. You don't trust him. And with good reason. Even if you never work this out you will spend your life wondering any time he acts a little out of the ordinary.

It definitely sounds suspicious especially because he's been talking to girls online before. Sorry op

Not hopeful on this one. Need tp take your time evidence gathering OP.

@ajaslipstick

It’s wasn’t 2:30 where I am. Can I only ask for updates during UK hours? 😂

Or perhaps the OP could respond when she sees it?

As much as I'd love to follow him one night, it would be impossible with 3 DC.

He was home from work 25mins after he finished work, which is roughly how long it takes from work to home. Which begs the question, why is he so late on other days?!

I'm going to sit and wait I think, if I moved money from the joint account he would notice.

He's going to trip up eventually.

Ding you can ask when you like but you should keep in mind that this is not a soap opera for you to poke your nose into....panting after "updates" like it's your frigging right!

How tacky and thoughtless..

Panting after updates? You got all that from my three word post? Oh dear you’re clutching at straws there aren’t you?

Op would you casually comment on the lateness? It'll tell you a lot wrt his reaction and excuse ie if it doesn't involve going to an industrial estate!! It's pretty straightforward then.

UPDATE- history has been deleted from the sat nav. And he's ' accidentally left his phone at work' last night.

I’m really sorry but this doesn’t look good.

Did you ask him about it? He knows you're onto him.

He's a fucking liar op, I'm really sorry, but you know that right?

Would finances stretch to a private investigator? If they can give you the proof of what he is doing then you have something to confront him with that he can't deny.

@BastardGoDarkly I know he's a liar. And I'm fucking stupid for believing his bull.

@5foot5 unfortunately a PI is out of the question, he will realise the money is missing.

You don't need proof to split up. You know he has done something untoward

You're not stupid OP, how often do we hear 'without trust there is no relationship'? You trusted him until he gave you cause not to and now you know he's not worthy of your trust, that makes him the stupid one, not you.

So you're left with three options as I see it, dig no further and start making arrangements to leave on the basis that he's being deceptive about something and that's enough. Or you dig some more if the dynamics of your relationship mean you need to know, I would say he already knows you're suspicious though and he will be covering his tracks so you may get nowhere. Or you brush it under the carpet and carry on but I suspect hope from your posts that wouldn't be an option for you.

This must be horrendous for you, is there anyone in RL you could talk to? We're here of course but you could do with someone to lean on

OP he’s a total shit.

Try to make plans to leave him if you can. And please don’t let him near you. I’m so sorry for you. This is just a terrible situation

You already know he’s a cheat. Get your shit together a d get rid of him.

Men like that don’t change.

So sorry you’ve got to deal with this shit. I really hate some men.

There's no way I can l can live like this. Wondering where he is every time he's home late or what's he's hiding when he changes the passcode on his phone. I need to get out. Unfortunately that won't be anytime soon. I need to take steps toward it starting from Monday.

1- open a new bank account. Still need to think of ways to put money aside without him noticing.

2- make a drs appointment to get tested. Or is this only done in sexual health clinics?

3- pack an emergency bag, with some clothes and essentials for me and dc. Including passports, birth certs etc. Drop it off at my sisters house.

I'm all over the place at the moment. Is there anything I'm not missing, I'm sure there has got to be loads.

Start squirrelling money away from the joint account just in case 💐

I hate lying. Which is ironic really as that's exactly what he's been doing but I told him the car needed some work done and needed to fill up the tank so I withdrew £200. I know it's not much but it's a start.
Will bank that when I open the new account.

You're not being unreasonable, all sounds very dodgy.
Ask him outright.

Cashback is a great way to squirrel money discretely, add it on to the grocery shop so it goes through as one transaction and just looks like that's what you spent on shopping. Don't forget you can do a chunk from the joint account when you're actually ready to leave too, usual advice is that you're entitled to half of whatever's in there.

You're right to focus on getting yourself into a good position to leave, there's an awesome thread here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3257939-Dh-sent-me-a-photo-by-mistake?pg=39&order= full of advice about getting ducks in a row. Having your own shit to sort will help you get through the coming weeks without caving his head in and stop you feeling helpless. Am honestly gutted for you OP, this is my worst nightmare

Cashback is ace for taking money that he won't notice, also, school, dinner money, uniform, trips etc, although that's not as easy at the end of a new term, passports, birth Certs, any special things you want from the house, move them, also, take photos of things, like the dodgy history on the satnav, etc, could you change the online banking passcode so he can't get to it?
I'm so sorry you're going through all this and my inbox is always open, get to the Drs and ask about sti tests, tell them why if you need to, do you have anyone who could watch the kids, be in the house with them while you followed him?
Does he have any social media? Check for recent 'new friends' or follows from girls you don't know etc.

you could maybe order some kind of recorder for inside his car? from amazon, just incase you need solid proof.

i dont think GPs do STI tests so you will have to make an appointment with local GUM clinic.

Just have it out with him, ask him. And take it from there.