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AIBU?

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Original poster

What's happening?

169 replies

ihatesquats · 19/07/2018 12:38

Please MN, can I have an outside perspective on this?

Over the past few months I have become suspicious of H, something is off, he has mood swings that are becoming more frequent, he wants more sex, but only when he wants, if I try, he's always tired. He's also becoming very particular with his clothes, just to name a few changes.

Sorry this is getting longer that I thought, anyway, I had to use his car today and mine is in for an MOT and curiosity got the better of me and I checked his history on the sat nav, there's quite a few industrial estates that have come up, within the same area. No biggy, some of you might say. But he works nights, and uses his car quite often. Now I'm assuming most industrial estates aren't open gone midnight.

So I decided to check his phone, he has changed his passcode. I don't know when this was done,but a couple of years ago we agreed that I would have full access to his phone.(he was talking to 3 girls on dating sites, nothing to suggest they had met up, but he had their profile pics saved)

Can it all be innocent, don't want to drip feed but will post more if relevant. Tia.

OP posts:
CityFarmer · 21/07/2018 08:15

@northernspirit if he's like my husband, he'll lie. Make you think it's all in your head. I kept solid proof, he still tried to spin a story.

@OP do small steps while waiting test result and gathering more evidence. But he ready in your mind to take that last final leap.

AntiHop · 21/07/2018 08:24

So sorry op. He's a shit bag.

Nearlyadad · 21/07/2018 09:25

Gah what a prick, sorry OP

DontTouchTheMoustache · 21/07/2018 10:08

Be careful op cos if he clicks what you are doing he might transfer everything from the joint account into his, it will then be very difficult for you to get anything back.

Original poster
ihatesquats · 21/07/2018 12:12

@CityFarmer that's exactly what he is like. When he came home stinking of booze, he made it seem like it was all in my head. It was the same when he was talking to girls online, he told me it was a mate using his phone, and he had no clue where the pictures came from.

@DontTouchTheMoustache I'm afraid of that. That's why I'm trying to come up with ways to put money aside without him noticing.

OP posts:
Original poster
ihatesquats · 21/07/2018 12:14

@2ManyChoices he doesn't have any social media, none that I know of anyway.

OP posts:
AnnUnderTheFryingPan · 21/07/2018 12:26

Nothing much to add but as someone who has been through this, just some support. I think you are doing the right thing.

Keep planning, keep watching. Once you know, he won’t be able to gaslight you into thinking it’s all in your head.

loveyoutothemoon · 21/07/2018 14:22

You're better going to a proper sexual health clinic as they test for absolutely everything there, whereas a GP only does a certain few.

Original poster
ihatesquats · 21/07/2018 15:34

I'm so ashamed and angry I'm having to do this because of him.

OP posts:
Lifeisabeach09 · 21/07/2018 16:23

OP, why are you leaving your home?
Unless you fear for your safety, kick him out and change the locks.
If you rent, make an HB claim.

pilates · 21/07/2018 16:32

My immediate thought was drugs or prostitutes. Did he realise you had checked the history on the sat nav, is that why he deleted it?

redastherose · 21/07/2018 16:39

OP if you can possibly do it then pay in advance for school dinners (tell him it has to be paid the term before) buy all school uniforms for DC's, but next size up clothes 'because they were on a special offer'. Buy Christmas and Birthday presents now etc etc anything where you can get ahead. If you intend to stay in your house pay extra towards gas/electric/water etc.

Emmageddon · 21/07/2018 16:54

It does sound as if he's up to something dodgy. Why should you and your children be the ones to leave though? He should be the one leaving the family home, not you. Confront him then kick him out.

Original poster
ihatesquats · 21/07/2018 16:54

@redastherose I've told him I'm doing the school uniform shop next week, taking slightly more than what I need. I only pay for 1 dc school dinner so might do that too.
Ds2 birthday is in a couple of months, might tell H we should get presents now as there is the sales on.

@pilates I'm not sure, maybe he forgot to do it the day I had his car and realised I may have seen it/ could see it.

@Lifeisabeach09 I'm not sure why I'm the one to be leaving?!

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 21/07/2018 17:00

To answer the question of what you need to move - passports, birth certificates, copies of any proof of his earnings - p60 etc take photos on your phone if need be and send to a separate email address. Copies of statements of joint accounts so that he cannot deny what is there. Any financial detail which will enable you to claim from him. Those are the big things. And yes any precious objects you wouldn't want destroyed photographs etc.

Lifeisabeach09 · 21/07/2018 17:46

As littleowl said, gather all the relevant docs and financials and keep at your sister's.
But I strongly suggest you (somehow!) get him to leave rather than you and the kids unless you fear for your safety or the safety of your children.

Lifeisabeach09 · 21/07/2018 17:48

And remove over half the cash out of the joint accounts asap before he takes it all. You have the kids to support.

anxiousanxiousness · 21/07/2018 17:51

Re STI test, you can get a free testing at home kit from SH:24. It's delivered by post so maybe you could have it delivered to your sisters? You get the results by text and it's all discretely done.

I'm sorry this is happening. You're right to focus on the practical stuff and it seems like you're being very sensible about it.

Lanadelrat · 21/07/2018 17:55

He’s a rat Flowers

Poptart4 · 21/07/2018 18:09

Do you have to squirrel money away in small sums? Is it possible to take a large lump sum in one go and throw him out in the one day?

Hes definitely cheating and you deserve better.

Snowysky20009 · 21/07/2018 18:11

SH:24 is not available in all areas, if your area is not available you will be redirected to a pay for site. Your local GUM clinic would be better.

Namechangex1000 · 21/07/2018 18:14

Wow OP, I'm so sorry! I would definitely be suspicious but like you say at some point he will trip himself up, hard for you to live like this till that time though... especially with 3 dc bless you Flowers

Original poster
ihatesquats · 21/07/2018 18:19

Just checked SH:24. It's not available in my area unfortunately.

This is so identifying but, fuck it. I borrowed some money from my parents a while ago, they told me it was a gift later on, I never told him this. He said he would pay back when he could. I've now told him my parents need it, he said he will give it to me on Thursday so I can give it back. That is the most I will get my hands on I think. He's doing the sums as I type this.

OP posts:
Namechangex1000 · 21/07/2018 18:24

Well done! I'd lay low on the money front now OP, incase he starts to get suspicious!

Hidingtonothing · 21/07/2018 19:21

You're doing great OP, you just have to hold your nerve now until you're ready to act. Please do read that thread I linked earlier, it's like a how-to for your situation, I'll pm you links to the follow on thread when I get a minute too, know the OP didn't want them linked to each other but they're both worth reading.

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