What's happening?

[ihatesquats]

Please MN, can I have an outside perspective on this?

Over the past few months I have become suspicious of H, something is off, he has mood swings that are becoming more frequent, he wants more sex, but only when he wants, if I try, he's always tired. He's also becoming very particular with his clothes, just to name a few changes.

Sorry this is getting longer that I thought, anyway, I had to use his car today and mine is in for an MOT and curiosity got the better of me and I checked his history on the sat nav, there's quite a few industrial estates that have come up, within the same area. No biggy, some of you might say. But he works nights, and uses his car quite often. Now I'm assuming most industrial estates aren't open gone midnight.

So I decided to check his phone, he has changed his passcode. I don't know when this was done,but a couple of years ago we agreed that I would have full access to his phone.(he was talking to 3 girls on dating sites, nothing to suggest they had met up, but he had their profile pics saved)

Can it all be innocent, don't want to drip feed but will post more if relevant. Tia.

Thank you for the messages of support for today. I admit, I almost bottled it but my sister gave me a good talking to and I realised I needed to go to my appointment.

My free appointment was useful and gave me food for thought.

Anyway, since I've spoken about it once already today I may as well update.

I logged into his old(ish) email address, just a few months old. And there was plenty of messages/spam messages from 'Adult dating'. I kept quiet. Later that day my dc asked to play on H phone and I took the opportunity to add my fingerprint to unlock phone. Waited for him to go in the shower, and although most of his phone showed nothing untoward, there was at least half a dozen premium line numbers saved. I dialled one and you can already guess what it was. I confronted him there and then, and he admitted that sometimes after work he finds somewhere quiet to park up, call the number and 'unwind' as he put it.
It's not what I first thought but to me it is still betrayal, needless to say I've kicked him out.

Stay strong. He will minimise and aim to get you doubting yourself.

You need to take some time to absorb all the information you have learned. Know your own mind, make your own decisions and do what is best for you.

How are you this morning OP? I hope you managed to get some sleep.

I'm ok @HettySunshine, I'm angry with myself for letting this happen again. I feel like I'm in the same position I was a few years ago. I feel like a mug.

@ohfourfoxache his excuses are quite pitiful, and he is texting me non stop.

Is it just the phone lines he has been calling? Are you sure he's not been meeting people too? To be honest, for me, with young children, ringing phone lines wouldn't be a deal breaker. Meeting prostitutes would. You need to decide your line in the sand.

@Tabathatwitchett that's all I know for certain. That on its own I could move on from but the fact all this & more happened before is what's made me so angry. He promised me nothing would ever happen again.

Before I make a more permanent decision I need to think rationally. But right now I want nothing to do with him.

Honestly Squats, take your time. You don’t need to rush anything

It’s such a strange thing to do. Calling premium numbers for some ‘sex chat’ when there are easier ways to get your kicks. As I’ve seen from many threads on here, places like Adult Work use the workers’ mobile numbers or they do video chats. Or there’s obviously tons of free porn out there too. Just seems like such an odd thing to do.

I guess it’s not the point as your mind is already made up but it certainly doesn’t seem like he’s given you the entire story.

@ScrumpyCrack I've never had the whole story on anything. He's minimised what's he's done, so he's come up with something that he thought I'd be least mad about.

When I checked his phone his internet browser was on private so there was no history. There's no doubt in my mind he has been using those websites too. But he only admitted to what I had seen.

So he's been parking up and having a Tommy Tank after work.

If you can be sure it’s just phonelines I could probably move past that. To me its similar to porn which I’m 100% ok with, but it can get more personal even if it’s just personal for him but not the woman if you see what I mean? Just take your time though, don’t rush but at least you know you weren’t going mad. If he has done this before and it’s esculated and you want to leave, that’s ok. But don’t rush, take your time and plan what you need to do etc. I have no advice but I’m sure plenty on here will have if you need it.

Forgot to say. Even though I see it as similar it’s too far for me personally and I’d tell him to stop or move out. Obviously saying this depends on what you plan to do anyway.

It does sound like he's admitted to the minimum he could get away with. It's tricky though, would you want to throw everything away if that's genuinely all it is?

I'd be tempted to call his bluff a little.

Agree to chat it though in person. Ask him why he thinks it should work out after his behaviour. Listen to him ramble on a bit, and then ask "but you haven't even mentioned the prostitutes, do you expect me to just pretend they didn't happen?" and watch his face/reaction. If he's immediately defensive of angry then it's pretty bad news. If he's totally baffled (but not in mock baffled way) then maybe there never were any.

As you say, you need to bear in mind he wants to present things as 'see, not so bad'. People always do when they've screwed up. So it will be mnimised, even if it's broadly truthful.

One question though - the deleted satnav, how long did the history stretch back for when you saw it? Was it just a week and maybe he deletes it regularly? Or was it a forever history and something has spurred him on to suddenly delete it now? Because if it's the latter, I'd be concerned that he knows you're suspicious and has come up with the least bad scenario to fob you off.

I would be utterly gutted about phonelines or porn but don't think I'd end my marriage over it if the other person was prepared to address and work through (would depend on precise circumstances and their general character too). With prostitutes or cheating and that would just be it, so I'd want to be certain of the difference.

Thinking of you . You sound very sensible about it all.

It sounds horribly frustrating for you

Re the phone and history, if he has an iPhone you can check which websites have been accessed another way. Go to settings - safari - advanced - website data.

But as you’ve said, he’s done this and more before and you’ve had enough so you probably don’t need any further evidence.

Ooo @scrumpy, just checked that on my iPhone & it works, very clever!

Ooh Scrumpy!! I forgot about that. Good tip.
Yes OP, it’s worth a look - I learnt a great deal about XHs internet habits that way.

Dialling the numbers still drop want explain why he had industrial estate addressed in the sat nav . If he’s juat ringing the numbers to ‘unwind’ he could pull into a Kathy on his way home. It still doesn’t add up. As you said OP, he’s only admitting to what you already know.

Lay-by not Kathy