What's happening?

[ihatesquats]

Please MN, can I have an outside perspective on this?

Over the past few months I have become suspicious of H, something is off, he has mood swings that are becoming more frequent, he wants more sex, but only when he wants, if I try, he's always tired. He's also becoming very particular with his clothes, just to name a few changes.

Sorry this is getting longer that I thought, anyway, I had to use his car today and mine is in for an MOT and curiosity got the better of me and I checked his history on the sat nav, there's quite a few industrial estates that have come up, within the same area. No biggy, some of you might say. But he works nights, and uses his car quite often. Now I'm assuming most industrial estates aren't open gone midnight.

So I decided to check his phone, he has changed his passcode. I don't know when this was done,but a couple of years ago we agreed that I would have full access to his phone.(he was talking to 3 girls on dating sites, nothing to suggest they had met up, but he had their profile pics saved)

Can it all be innocent, don't want to drip feed but will post more if relevant. Tia.

Do you think he'll stay true to his word with giving the money for your parents? Will it be enough for you to leave for good?

With that said, my marriage broke down in the space of a day (found out he was cheating and it all came to a head). I had no financial preparation and had to lean on my parents, which wasn't great, but we've re-built ourselves and we're doing just fine. If you can't bare to be with him, just leave him now.

@Hidingtonothing I've had a read and yes it's helped me, and helping me hold my tongue for now.

@anxiousanxiousness it's not a great deal of money but I'll have to make its stretch as far as I can. I'll have to. I know it's not going to be nice when we split, he will play dirty.

Good, anything you can take strength from is good right now

Op if youv got this wrong how will you feel? Iv read the whole post and whilst I agree it's best to be prepared, you don't know that he's actually done anything wrong do you?

@Mouseville65 that's why I feel like I need proof.

Once I've built up the courage to go get a sit test, that may give me some answers. But I think I need to prepare myself for the worst.
I've been in this position before, a tiny part of me was worried about how I'd be financially.
It can't hurt to have myself something to fall back on if something did happen. He's already proved he can't keep his word, with the drinking.

A friend had similar suspicions about her DH, she bought a SIM only phone, set up a tracker and hid it in the boot of his car until she had proof

If you google at home sti tests you might find free ones available locally.
Boots pharmacy and asda sometimes have them out, free to take from counter in our area.
Easier to do than arranging GUM clinic around childcare.
Before at home test was available i used to manually enter my address and postcode. Then valid area code into post code box. Eg. 1 Farmer Street, Bath, BA1 2XY, SW10 0PZ (the secomd post code was valid for home testing kits on south west london site). Postman/order processor always crossed of second post code as its obviously headed to Bath address. Packaging looks very routine, boring, nothing interesting to open, that husband would look at. Also put fake name so if was opened, just say its cleared an error intended for the crossed out postcode.

Thing is I'd gone to sexual health clinic to have my implant removed. Was offered sti test as routine. I agreed because we were going to be trying for a baby. And I'd had a risk exposure at work while working with blood that I wasnt sure was handled properly by myself as a stupid 21 year old. So thought I'd just do full testing. Came back postive, on valentines day, while i was away a few days at work conference. I met him as a teenager and he was my only bf-husband. Yet he still denied it!!! I'd been suspicious long before tho. But that's not why I'd really done the test. He lied and lie and lied, tried to accuse me back, said that it must have been caught when he slept on a friends bed who had bed bugs, the idiot!

After treatment I got home tests, to check was all clear.

I dont know if it helps knowing you are the only betrayed wife. But wanted to explain real example of testing importance and ways to get home tests.

Not sure an STI test will give any answers. Obviously it will if it's positive but I doubt it will be.

It was the same when he was talking to girls online, he told me it was a mate using his phone, and he had no clue where the pictures came from.

:O @OP same here! i found his tinder profile, he said a mate (not great looking one) was using his photos to get girls to talk to him.

@Peaspleaselouise i think in most cases you know, well before you need proof. The proof just essential to remove any last doubt

Sorry that reply was meant for @Mouseville65

@CityFarmer, thank you for sharing. And I'm sorry it happened to you. I'm not sure how if manage to go to the clinic with it being the school holidays now, that's why I thought the gp would be easier. But I'll look into the online tests again.

If I were you OP I'd carry on as normally as possible for the next few days at least, try to get a plan straight in your head, gather as much evidence and/or important documents together on the low and see how much money you can squirrel. It sounds like you raised his suspicions over your suspicions by asking for his phone. So make sure he has it on the day you're ready to confront, tell him you saw the sat nav locations not adding up and that you've noticed he changed his password. This is making you think there's something going on so you'd like to look at his phone now, please unlock it. If he flat out refuses the omission is as good as a confession of SOMETHING, especially as you have had reason to distrust him before and since the sat nav evidence showed he was in odd places on nights he was late home. He can try to take the highground, outraged you'd even want to look route but if YOU have it all straight and firm in your head it'll be harder for him to gaslight you or try to turn it round on you. Like offering the phone up later (after having time to delete evidence) and saying he was just so upset by your accusation that he didn't want to show you at the time. Good luck, I hope you get to the bottom of it, not knowing and doubting is the worst.

Why are you leaving?! Do you own/rent together? Has he been seeing prostitutes? Then he should leave. Do you have somewhere for you and the kids to go, both long and short term? Can you afford to stay in your family home for the time being? If so, kick him out. If needs be throw his stuff outside and change the locks.

Given that you've already asked to borrow his phone once he may be covering his tracks here and deleting any evidence just in case you ask again. So a clear phone might not mean much. I'd try to get some other proof first

@Samewitches he will deny and reflect, so much more so without any proof. I've become pretty good on putting on an act, like everything is fine.

@condepetie I don't think I'd be able to afford living here, long term. Not unless he contributed, which I doubt very much. If I was desperate I could maybe move back in with my parents but they are getting older and It's not very peaceful having 3 highly energetic kids around the place. That would be my last resort.

@youknowwherethecityis he will be paying great attention to cover his tracks, he may even be home on time for a while. I'm wary of a recording device, in case he came across it. But, I am confident he will slip up eventually.

My sister suggested getting somebody to text him to see his reaction, I admit I did think about it but I don't know why it doesn't sit right with me.

@CityFarmer I'm not In disagreement with the op, iv been cheated on and I just knew, gut instinct is a powerful thing. My only concern was for how she would feel if it turns out he hadn't cheated and she regretted it later.

Anywhere you go shopping and pay by debit card, get a few quid cashback to add to your account.

@ihatesquats how are things this morning?

Don't get anyone to call, it will o my raise suspicion. Especially if he's only using paid-for-services, he might wonder why a random calls him and tries to flirt. It's not a call that you might get in the normal world, really. It would just ring alarm bells and he'd be observing you afterwards.
You are right, he'll slip. At the moment, all he might consider is that after that picture you are indulging in an emotional shopping spree, which could look as a natural reaction for many.

You are doing well, don't raise suspicions. You don't want him to follow you and discover your storage place either.

I'd ask him that any transfer is labelled as "DGP's Name loan repayment". If the money it's still in your account when the shit hits the fan, you might be able to use this as proof that it's not your money, but your parents, remaining untouched? (I have no experience or knowledge of a divorce and I am assuming it would help, but it's just a guess)

*it will only raise

• crossed wires. No "picture", the GPS history, as that's what he knows that you could have seen

Could he just be driving to the industrial estate after work to have a little bit of quiet time to himself before coming home?

Bobbins, not sure where OP lives but that would be an odd choice. It's usually past midnight, it's usually an industrial state. I'm sure there are some lovely parks or nice outdoors spots where to stop to have some quiet time. Incidentally, most of the family are asleep or ready to go asleep when he arrives, so he can have quiet time at home too.

Can I just reiterate - you really need to go to a proper sexual health clinic, they'll test for everything, that way nothing will be missed. Ask a family member to watch your kids, just say you're getting an eye test or something. It's so simple, you do it yourself now, they give you a long cotton bud thingy which you stick up your V in the toilets, then you go back in and hand it to the nurse.

Just a thought - don't they sometimes have kebab vans in industrial estates? Could he be going for late night munchies?? Obviously I am the eternal optimist! Hope you get the answers you are looking for OP?