Aibu to stop being a full time carer and walk away?

[dooodoooo]

Been caring for my grandad for 10 years now.
He has 2 daughters,one lives the next street over and the other in America.
Haven't seen daughter 1 (local ) in 7 months and daughter 2 in 3 years.
My mum died when I was 12 (grandads daughter)
At first it started just getting the shopping and now 10 years later I'm here from 7am to 6pm every day.
I've told my aunt (in January ) I couldn't cope anymore and we need help.
She still hasn't came to sort it (she has power of attorney and bank books)
I have zero life ..nothing.
Nobody
This is my life...
Aunt 2 (in America ) used to ring 3 x a week,now we are lucky if it's once per week.
Eventually both aunts won't keep in touch.
I've had to start taking anti depressants and I'm getting pretty scared to leave the house.
I'm stressed really bad
I'm so close to just leaving

So sorry to hear you are having such a bad time. That's not fair and I'm sure your grandad wouldn't want you to be making yourself ill. Have you asked for help from the local council? Are there any respite care facilities? Day centres he can go to? Maybe if you tell us a bit more about his condition we can help. And yes you need to get the aunt to help.

Speak to adult social services yourself and see if they can put a care plan in place

It sounds as though he'd be better off in a care home, OP. I agree with the others about talking to adult social services. It's completely unfair of his daughters to expect you to do this.

He is 97 and has Lewy body dementia.
It's now turned in too visual hallucinations which he sees people and things flying over the room,hears voices telling him bad things
He thinks people are in the walls watching him.
Can't get him to go to doctors for a check up as he thinks I'm trying to kidnap him.

Up until 6 months ago he could make his breakfast and get washed.
Now he relys on me for that.
He can get to toilet himself

My mum was devoted to my grandad and I feel like I'm letting my mum down.
I worry she's looking down on me and is disgusted that I'm so low and can't cope.

Have you asked for a home visit? He should be seen regularly.
Sounds like a care home might be the best option.
Speak to adult social services.
I'm so sorry, you sound so stressed. I'm sure if he could tell you he wouldn't want you to be in this position.

Social services offered us a daily 10 min visit from some nurses ..
That's it
Zero use to me
Unfortunately they haven't the resources to offer us more.

The aunt doesn’t want to do anything because she wants to hang on to all the money. Phone Social Services and give them your aunt’s details.

Personally, I'd sod trying to sort it yourself. You'll still be left with all the responsibility when your GF has a daughter who is in the next street and has all the power. She is perfectly capable of speaking to adult services herself and has had months to do so.

Pick a day you are going to stop. Send them both the same message: "On day xyz I will NOT be going in to help him. You need to believe me and make alternative arrangements for his care."

Then stick to it. Firmly.

Oh op, I'm sure your mum would not say that. You need to get help for you too, you sound depressed.

I feel let down by my GP too tbh
Last week I asked for a home visit and was refused on the grounds they were too busy (which I understand but at the same time I feel totally left alone to deal with a situation I don't know how to escape from)
They've prescribed trimethoprim incase he has some uti and that might be making delirium worse.

You need to go to adult SS and get him a care plan sorted. Have a look at the carers trust website for yourself too. He needs a catering to see him throughout the day and SS can get this started for you. You’ve become a prisoner not a relative.

Where are you OP? It would be worth contacting your local carers support organisation. Which county are you in?

The thing is if I was to say I want my grandad in a care home ..I would be left with all the backwash of sorting it out ,and clearing house and I honestly don't think I'm mentally strong enough to deal with the upset and I would have to live with feeling like I abandoned him.
My aunts would say ..you chose that

Get the doctor to come to him. And you need help, quickly, by the sounds of it.

Check out the CarersUK website - there's a ton of info on there, and a forum of people who are in your situation, have been in your situation and would could perhaps be better advised on what the best steps are for you. I found them my one source of comfort when I was the sole carer for my Mum (with two lazy arsed sisters who did nothing but criticised everything). Please please speak to your local social services first.

And don't be afraid to tell them you are not doing it any more, and that they'll have to make provision for their father themselves. If you had an accident and had to spend time in hospital, they'd need to get their fat arses into gear, so there's no reason they can't do it now.

Sorry for the ranting, but having been through this myself, it's shit, they're living the high life whilst you do all the work. Fuck that.

It sounds like the GP surgery are fobbing you off. Can you speak to the practice manager and stamp your feet a bit? Not easy I know. Or change Dr's?

I'm in Durham

I worry she's looking down on me and is disgusted that I'm so low and can't cope.

I suspected she IS looking down disgusted. At her sisters, not you. Anyone would be incredibly proud that you have done so much for so many years. Most people would not be able to cope in the same situation.

Your aunt needs to step up. Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like she will do that until you step down.

I'm letting everything slide lately,I dread ringing people and having to speak to them.
I can't be bothered to clean or hoover ..it just all seems like a massive thing.
I don't know why I feel like this

Do you have a local carers group? They can be a great help and also give some advice about how to get help from social services.
They understand what it’s like to be a carer.
It doesn’t sound great that daughter has power of attorney but is not very concerned about your grandad’s care.
How does he do shopping, pay bills etc at the moment?
You might want to ask a social worker to look into that as well as the person with power of attorney should be supporting the person to buy what they need with their money.

I'm with Mizzbattenburg - tell your Aunts that it's not your responsibility and that you're off duty from XX date. And STICK TO IT. Your Granddad will be in a home before you know it...

I have no advice on the practical side as I don't really know the ins and outs of things.
But I'd follow pps advice and push for adult SS and go to your aunt and get her to talk to you so you can explain the situation.

Don't worry about what your mum would think. I'm sure she is very proud that you have been there for your grandad when your aunts have failed. It's a lot for any one to take and she would want you to look after yourself as well.

I don't know why I feel like this

You're depressed. And stressed. And being treated absolutely dreadfully by members of your own family. Of COURSE you're sad, low and tearful. I think you know you're heading for a breakdown if you don't pass it back to the person who SHOULD be doing the work. She has control of the finances etc, so the job is hers. You're being used as a slave, and you know it. Please please tell them that they have until Friday to make other arrangements (I'm being generous and giving them 48 hours)

You are stressed and low because you are trying to cope alone. You are not to blame.
Please stop beating yourself up