Aibu to stop being a full time carer and walk away?

[dooodoooo]

Been caring for my grandad for 10 years now.
He has 2 daughters,one lives the next street over and the other in America.
Haven't seen daughter 1 (local ) in 7 months and daughter 2 in 3 years.
My mum died when I was 12 (grandads daughter)
At first it started just getting the shopping and now 10 years later I'm here from 7am to 6pm every day.
I've told my aunt (in January ) I couldn't cope anymore and we need help.
She still hasn't came to sort it (she has power of attorney and bank books)
I have zero life ..nothing.
Nobody
This is my life...
Aunt 2 (in America ) used to ring 3 x a week,now we are lucky if it's once per week.
Eventually both aunts won't keep in touch.
I've had to start taking anti depressants and I'm getting pretty scared to leave the house.
I'm stressed really bad
I'm so close to just leaving

Can I just say that I think you are doing an incredible and admirable job, and I am so sorry your family aren’t showing you the appreciation and respect you deserve. I helped my mum to look after my grandma with dementia in the family home until she passed away aged 93 in February this year. It was very difficult for my mum and her sister lived abroad so offered very limited help that was more of a hindrance, and since my gran died and inheritance has to be sorted she’s become pretty toxic.

Anyway, like PP have said I think it would be a good idea to visit the GP to get some help for you, and make a double appointment so you can discuss options for your granddad as well? GPs often have a good knowledge of things for the elderly in the area and are willing to help, I remember my gran’s GP being amazing. Adult social services would be good to get in touch with too.

Sending my very best wishes

Agree, pick a date. Inform daughters and social services that you are stopping. Stick to it. Your grandfather needs a care Home, but as pp said your aunt is hanging on to the money, you will have to force her hand.

If your mum is looking down on you, her first thought would be concern for you, and hope that you will get the support you need. I'm a mum to daughters myself, and while I am also devoted to my dad, children always come first. Also importantly, my dad would always want the children to come first too. I bet that if your granddad were himself, he would also be horrified that the granddaughter he loves is in this position, he would want you to have a good life.

Can you go to the doctor's without him and discuss the situation and next steps? Beg/plead/demand a house call? Or call social services? Unfortunately resources are so stretched that it may be best that you are very clear that you are leaving and he has no backup plan - hopefully more knowledgeable people than me will be able to come on and confirm.
for you, you have been so devoted and at this point deserve a break.

YANBU. You are not letting your mum down. You must look after yourself first. I would also advise having a look at the Carers UK website - they have lots of info and supportive forums. You don't owe your grandad. Your aunt with power of attorney needs to step up. If your grandad goes into a home you can still visit and enjoy his company rather than have to worry about all the day to day practicalities which are wearing you down.

You are amazing.
Good for you for sticking with this for so long but now it’s time for you. You’ve done more than enough and it’s timd for your other family members to step up. They are all taking advantage of you. Call Age Concern and any dementia charities to see if they have any advice. Then call SS and say you are done so they will have to come sort him. They will go to your aunt as she is next of kin. This is not your job! He will have to go into a home. You have sacrificed your life and that is not fair. Not fair at all.

Hi Op

Being a carer is so hard, especially when it falls to one person like it has in your situation but don’t for one second feel that you’re letting your granddad down but this situation can’t continue with the impact it’s having on your health

DC carers offer support to cares in Durham and also offer emergency care if carers becoming unwell either physically or emotionally so would be worth giving them a call to see if they can help in the short term

www.dccarers.org/county-durham/carer-emergency-support.html

You can contact social care direct on 03000 267 979 to see what support social services can give, I know you said that they offered limited interventions previously but if your granddads condition has deteriorated its worth getting back in touch.

Gp should come out to his house OP as well as nurses should he need them for bloods/injections or anything. My mother has been caring for her parents and my dads father for 20+ years. Now she is just caring for her dad. She took the descion to move him in to her house as he was getting to bad. Like you she would be there early morning till late night, staying over some nights. She spoke to the gps and they agreed they would go out if she needed them to. Its hard work and i often feel for her and my dad. Where is their time and their lives? Time with grandchildren is limited. What would his daughters do if you were not there? Time to tell them to pull their fingers out!! Please get the support you need also and put you first x

Just after Christmas I told my aunt that I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up (I'm ok now,and was a fleeting thought in sadness and anger)
She just replied ..wish I could help.
She doesn't care

Thankyou for all your advice.
Sometimes it's just nice to talk to someone about how I'm feeling.

What a shit situation!! Your aunts are behaving appallingly.

As others said you need to force their hand.

If your mum is like down it’ll be with a mixture of pride and concern.

Please don’t let them get away with this anymore.

*looking

How awful for you!

Your aunts are being utterly reprehensible... They're taking advantage of you. So what sort of life you are having?? Nothing!

You are also saving him/them shed loads of money in care costs...

LBD is the pits.... Far too much for one person to do.

Do what others have suggested. Say you are close to complete breakdown through all the stress of continual care for x years and from next week his attorney daughter will have to sort him out with a package...

Shame on her for allowing you to get to ill and avoiding visiting.

OP, do you have a partner or children? How are you managing for money? It wouldn't surprise me at all if your aunt was helping herself to his money.

If I were your mum and looking down at you, I'd be crying at what you were having to cope with.

It's important that you get this sorted now before you have a breakdown. You have to put yourself first now; you're really not well.

And as for you having to sort things out, you really, really don't. There's nothing to say you have to clear his house out. You can visit him in a nursing home - you can go every day if you like - but you don't have to sort his house out.

I am sorry to say it but it does smack of your aunt not wanting to reduce her inheritance by paying for a care home etc.

The less they see of their father and the less they see or hear from you regards his needs suggests they are avoiding feeling as guilty as they should feel....

Please stop. You really need to do this urgently, the physical and mental strain of this is clearly too much.

Choose a day, announce it to your aunts and rest.

I should have added that this is based on the experience of watching my mother take care of her grandmother... which did not end well....

I have no partner etc just me.
I'm being hounded my local authority too.
My grandad lives in a H/A property and 4 weeks ago they wanted to do a electric check.
I said that's fine but can you give me enough time to try and sort out somewhere to take grandad as He would get distressed at strangers in his house (i had to get police to take him restrained to hospital once ) as he wouldn't leave with ambulance after a small stroke.
The h/a is horrible (the woman ) I explained I'm going to sort out somewhere to take him that day so he wasn't here when electrician was here.
She was horrible to me ..saying well I hope you understand court to gain access would be the next step...
I said why would you do that when I'm explaining he has dementia /he has hallucinations and thinks people are in the walls ..I'm not refusing entry I'm asking you to understand what I'm going through and wait till I get sorted.
She wasn't taking any notice ...and it said well we've had to take people to Court before ..
I got angry and hung up..she clearly doesn't understand what it's like to look after someone with dementia

Nobody gives a damn do they ..
I'm honestly being pushed and pushed and pushed
The H/a was sighing on the phone ,I could hear her.
I'm just going to ring call centre and book it in and if my grandad gets upset /aggressive tough shit.

Write to the council and say that you are asking for a full care assessment and carer's assessment under the Care Act 2014. Tell them that you cannot carry on as your grandfather's carer and they must find an alternative immediately.

Ask his GP to call as a matter of urgency. Please also go to see a doctor about your own depression. You need to look after yourself, OP.

If there is money ro pay for care and yoyr aunt is not enabling you to access it - I would speak to your aunt to give her a final opportunity to sort out paid care if she doesnt she is leaving you one option which is to raise a safeguarding with social services as this could be financial abuse. Hopefully having social services contact her might havr the desired effect.

Poor you, sounds terrible. Can he get carers in or is he not eligible? I think you really need to contact social services and say that you can't cope and they should be able to give you the options. If your Grandad did go into a home, would you be able to stay in the house and do you have a source of income?

Nobody gives a damn do they

We do!

You are not letting your Mum down, she would be so proud of you stepping up and disappointed in her sisters.

I know how hard it can be taking the first step to get help, please try and speak to your GP and try to find a local carer support group - they will have the best local knowledge and support you through whatever steps need to be taken.

Oh OP I'm so sorry you're struggling with this. My grandma had Lewy, it's absolutely awful and takes such a toll on everyone who cares for the sufferer. It's like it steals the person from you.

Social services offered us a daily 10 min visit from some nurses.. That's it

That's all they offered because they know right now you are helping him. Unfortunately in order to get him the care he needs, you are going to have to "abandon" him. He needs a full assessment and diagnosis and his care needs properly assessed. All the time you're picking up the pieces, that won't happen.

Please don't destroy yourself trying to care for someone who needs a lot more than one adult can provide alone. As a PP said, if your mum was looking down she would, I am absolutely sure, be bloody furious with your aunts and very proud of you.

How old are you? Are you in his will? I know that situation isn't about money but I can imagine then taking his money (if he has any) and leaving you with nothing after giving up 10 years of your life to care for him.

Sorry, but why does granddad need you there all day if he is ok to be left alone all evening and night?

How do you know aunt in America isn’t calling in the evening when you’re not there?

Why do you think you would be responsible for clearing granddads house if you sent him to a care/nursing home? As a grandchild, that’s not your responsibility

Does granddad need care or is is capable but too lazy to cook, wash himself, do laundry etc?

Get in touch with social services and tell them you cant and will not do this anymore, they may be able to arrange a home help for granddad.