Aibu to stop being a full time carer and walk away?

[dooodoooo]

Been caring for my grandad for 10 years now.
He has 2 daughters,one lives the next street over and the other in America.
Haven't seen daughter 1 (local ) in 7 months and daughter 2 in 3 years.
My mum died when I was 12 (grandads daughter)
At first it started just getting the shopping and now 10 years later I'm here from 7am to 6pm every day.
I've told my aunt (in January ) I couldn't cope anymore and we need help.
She still hasn't came to sort it (she has power of attorney and bank books)
I have zero life ..nothing.
Nobody
This is my life...
Aunt 2 (in America ) used to ring 3 x a week,now we are lucky if it's once per week.
Eventually both aunts won't keep in touch.
I've had to start taking anti depressants and I'm getting pretty scared to leave the house.
I'm stressed really bad
I'm so close to just leaving

I'm so sorry you're going through this, OP and as previous posters have said, you've done an amazing job over the last 10 years making sure that your GD is taken care of and feels loved and valued.

I think if you're honest with yourself though, you'd recognise now that you've done what you can and it's time to let paid professionals take on the bulk of his care. It's affecting your mental health, your physical health and I'm guessing you have no relationships or social life. You're 32 and you're entitled to a life of your own.

Nobody else will take on responsibility for his care until you abdicate responsibility for his care. As pp have said, you need to 'give notice' and let everyone know that from x date you will no longer be in a position to care for him. Make sure your lazy, money-grubbing aunt knows that the social services have been informed too so if she doesn't want to be charged with neglect, she needs to make paid arrangements from that date.

I'm so sorry it's come to this, but please be assured that you've done your mum and your grandad proud.

You poor thing, you are so brave and so strong. Do not worry about the housing association. You must call the Durham adult social services safeguarding team today and tell them everything you have told us. You have done a fantastic job but you can't do this on your own anymore. You grandad needs to be in care, either a hospital or a carehome. Don't worry about having to sort his flat out, there are plenty of people who will help you. You are making yourself physically and mentally unwell and that cannot continue. Your mum will be so proud of you, please seek help, go and see your own doctor about your chest tightness. If I was you I would call 111 and ask for an emergency doctor to come and see granddad.

I was at a&e regarding my Pvcs and had ecg and heart monitor and it was fine .
It showed Ben Pvcs so they won't harm me.
I'm actually had cardio on Tuesday for a 24 hr Holter and a echo just to be on safe side.

every day I'm so angry,I go from shouting to crying hysterically

OP, I'm going to be honest. What you've just said is a Safeguarding issue. That doesn't mean you're a bad person, you're doing this because you are very unwell.

However, it is absolutely not okay for you to be in sole care of a very vulnerable adult. You are far too ill, and it is making you behave in a way that is abusive for your Granddad. Think how frightening it must be for him, to be reliant on someone who is angry, shouting and crying all day.

This can't go on, and you must tell someone about this.

Sorry for repeating myself but h/a deffo won't evict me or grandad because I hung up?
I suppose if she was rude to me again,my gp has all my notes about my depression and also I'm seeing a mental health nurse (so I could just say I'm unhappy and down at the Min) and that's why I hung up and I'm not normally rude like that.
She just wasn't listening to me.

I don't shout and cry in front of him..surprisingly I've learnt how to paint a happy face on.
I go in the toilet or my own place then have a mini meltdown.

You need extra support so you can look after your grandad properly. I see your dad is around to look after your grandad during the electrical check - can he also pop by so you can go to a doctors appointment, get yourself well and arrange a home visit for your grandad? Understanding his health needs is the first step to a better conversation with SS and proper carers assessment.

The h/a woman sounds like a joy. But you have made the appointment she wanted so zero chance they’d evict him on the basis of you being ‘difficult’ around the appointment (for ver, very good reason).

You have been caring for your grandad for a long time, there is no shame in asking for help - for your good and his.

I suspected she IS looking down disgusted. At her sisters, not you.
^^
This.

You poor thing OP.

My dad helps out bless him.
I had flu once and he came over 4 times that day for a week.
He was angry tho because my grandad has a daughter down the road.

Oh pet! I'm in Durham too, please ring Durham County Carers support
0300 005 1213
They are open now, ring them now.
Tell them what's going on, especially your worries about the Housing Officer, they will help you.

The Housing Officer can't take your Grandad to court, he doesn't have capacity, any action they take will onbnkly lead to help and support for you and your Grandad.

They will help you get the support you need to help you to either continue caring for your Grandad or to be able to step back if that's what you decide.
Go on hinny, give them a ring.

Nothing will happen on the basis that you hung up. That's not grounds, on its own, for any action to be taken. But as PP have said.. you need help and your grandad needs help and quickly. You weren't offered enough help last time, maybe because you appeared to be coping well and were meeting all your grandad's needs. Things have changed and you can't go on like this.

Ring Adult Services. Request an urgent carers assessment for yourself and an urgent needs assessment for your grandad. You can't carry on like this. Wishing you well.

OP, as a mother, I didn't bring my child into this world to be my fulltime carer, let alone anyone else's. I would be so proud of you for being such a caring person but frustrated that you are wasting your life.

My aunt was in a care home for many years with alzeimer's and she was really well looked after.

Go to your dad's house tonight. Be absolutely honest with him.

Tell him that you can't cope any more and can he inform the local daughter. And then stay with your dad for a few days even if you are sleeping on the sofa. Give your dad your phone. You need the breathing space and to be away from your own home so that you don't get sucked in again.

I think it's because I've always been a bit scared of social services.
Last time I was giving it "I'm fine I'm fine Thankyou"
Happy smiley me..I think it's because I feel they have a lot of power and I didn't want to hurt grandad and at the time he was so much better he has deteriorated massively over the last 6 months .

The planet -Thankyou for that number.
I won't lie I won't ring today,I'm going to try and get the courage tomorrow.
My GP prescribed diazapam ..il take one before I ring them.

If I hadn't of told you all about the h/a worries
I would have made myself crazy all night.
Trying to get him to take his trimethoprim tonight will be hard work..

Hasn't your dad ever stepped in and said something? I can't imagine letting my dd give up her life at 22 to care for an elderly relative l.

You poor, poor thing.

You have done SO well by your granddad. Your mum would be incredibly proud of you. And disgusted by her sisters no doubt. You have no guilt to bear at all. None. Not a bit.

Can I STRONGLY suggest you get in touch with the charity Dementia UK. Their brilliant local nurses specialise in supporting carers of people with dementia in any way they can.

Hopefully there'll be one local to you who can come and see you and advise on what next steps are best (but won't force you into anything), focusing both on YOUR and your granddad's wellbeing.

www.dementiauk.org/get-support/ - give their helpline a call.

Look, would it help if you pm'd me, and I rang them for you? I am more than happy to help. You are clearly very unwell, and desperately need help.

OP listen to what people are telling you.
You are going around in circles. Ring your dad, give him the number that ThePlanet gave you and ask him to give them a call.
You do not have to do everything yourself.

You should take Arun up on their offer, I know it's really really hard to call social services or a doctor but your grandad needs professional help too, he needs his antibiotics and a doctor, you both need urgent help.

I am listening,it's ok I honestly will ring up.
My dad hasn't ever got involved as it was my choice and he let me stick by it.

We've got the antibiotics and thankfully he's just taken one.
The doctor doesn't even know if he has a uti as sample was clear but said they can't do any harm

Oh lovely, you really can't do this any more. Lewy Body is horrible, my friend's dad had it and she was his main carer. It was very distressing for him, and very distressing for her, but she managed to care for him because she had two sisters who took over from time to time, to give her a break. You can't do it all on your own, nobody could, and you have nothing to reproach yourself for. It is already impacting on your mental health. It sounds as if you are at the limit of what you can do for your grandad. If you have a breakdown, you'll be unable to care for him as you would want to, so please, please pass this on to somebody else while you still can.
Your aunts are selfish and self-centred and won't do anything for their dad while they can leave you to do it all. It might be the first time you have ever stood up to them but, as PPs have said, you must hand this over to them now. Give both aunts notice, and either your grandad's GP or social worker too, and make it clear that you are stopping on XX date and he is their responsibility after that. You have done all that could be expected of you, and far more besides, and your mum would be so proud of you. Now it's time to look after your own health.

You need to call your aunts and say you are no longer well enough to look after grandad, they will have to take over immediately.
This has made you mentally ill, the strain and lack of support.
Do not give them a chance to rail road you back into it. Leave a note for them and tell them to call social services if they can’t manage.
They have taken advantage of you for long enough!
Once THEY have organised the help plan/old people’s home and/or permanent help you can start visiting your grandad again (not help but to visit).
Your mother would be horrified that you were left dealing with this alone.
Go and get yourself well, and a life op. It is their turn now. Well overdue.