Aibu to stop being a full time carer and walk away?

[dooodoooo]

Been caring for my grandad for 10 years now.
He has 2 daughters,one lives the next street over and the other in America.
Haven't seen daughter 1 (local ) in 7 months and daughter 2 in 3 years.
My mum died when I was 12 (grandads daughter)
At first it started just getting the shopping and now 10 years later I'm here from 7am to 6pm every day.
I've told my aunt (in January ) I couldn't cope anymore and we need help.
She still hasn't came to sort it (she has power of attorney and bank books)
I have zero life ..nothing.
Nobody
This is my life...
Aunt 2 (in America ) used to ring 3 x a week,now we are lucky if it's once per week.
Eventually both aunts won't keep in touch.
I've had to start taking anti depressants and I'm getting pretty scared to leave the house.
I'm stressed really bad
I'm so close to just leaving

Thankyou for the dementia charity details too.
Thanks all for your help again.
I'm going to make tea,if I don't reply straight away I'm not being ignorant just a few little jobs to do.
Thankyou again

Just because he hasn't gotten involved before doesn't mean he can't get involved now. By your own admission things have gotten a lot worse.

Please do ring tomorrow though, most of their advisers are former carers and they do understand how hard it is.
Diazepam before call is fine but don't worry about getting upset, it's nothing new to them.
I sobbed my heart out when I first contacted them.
Don't underplay things, tell it like it is.

If your grandad has to go into care then your aunt with the POA will have to be the one to deal with it. The care home will only deal with her. You can then step right back. Also social services will intervene before a HA would try to evict a 90 plus man with dementia from his home. Would not look too good in the papers. Please get in touch with Age Uk or any of the other services suggested by other posters

Yes, but your dad can look after you just for a few days so that you are not sucked back into caring for your grandad.

You would only be asking your dad to make a few phone calls and put you up for a few nights. That's it.

Then you'd go back to your own place and your head would be a lot clearer.

It honestly isn't too much to ask of a parent.

Honestly you have to think about your own well-being too.
SS won't step in and do anything until you step out. While they think there is someone doing it they won't do a thing.

So please, for your health and sanity, make some calls and tell them, categorically that from X date you will no longer be able to care for him.

Am sure your Mum would not have wanted this for you.

Sorry if this had already been posted

Durham Carers Support 0300 005 1213
www.dccarers.org

I haven’t RTFT but I had to comment.

My Mum had LBD though much younger than your DGF

1. It is a living nightmare
2. It is extremely difficult to cope with
3. It is exhausting (in the true sense of the word) physically and mentally
4. You’re on edge 100% of the time
5. Every time the phone rang I thought it was going to be the police telling me something else had happened

Op, you are lovely.

You have to make a life of your own

Notice no one else is taking responsibility?

I’m not sure they care much for you or have much empathy for the nightmare you are dealing with.

I realise I’m sounding dramatic but been there though thankfully I didn’t live in the same country as DM so we were able to force SS hand a bit easier, though it was not easy.

Please, please lol after yourself. Your DGF needs specialist care and you need a break.

He isn’t going to remember much and the happier fact is that he will likely be out of his misery soon - I know that sounds harsh but he’s not going to get better.

The best thing for him and more importantly you, is to get a care plan in place. Force SS and the NHS to do their job.

Big hugs. It’s toally shit. Couldn’t be shitter. X

Please get help.
You can’t live like this. You deserve a life and I’m sure he wouldn’t want this for you.
As everyone has said. Pick a day, say you can’t and won’t do it any more, then do it.
Only you can change this. They aren’t going to rescue you (selfish cows) so you must rescue yourself. Please do it.

Jesus. LOL after yourself

*look. I don’t even say lol ffs.

Trooper- it's horrible
He sees people in the living room and every 5 minutes he is shouting for them to get out.
He can see floating objects.
Anything you say to him ..for example
"Here is your tea"
And he reply's ..."that's not my tea,you've poisoned that,they've just said"
He talks to the wall constantly and gets aggressive
He leans either to the left or backwards and that's causing him too fall.
He can swear at me then be nice the next.
Sometimes he refuses to eat and sometimes will choke eating or drinking.
Every morning I feel ill before I open the front door,wondering what faces me that day.

He thinks people in the wall are stealing his clothes,sometimes he thinks I'm impersonating his granddaughter (me)
It's mentally draining more than physically

If I have 4 weeks notice for my aunt to get over here would that be reasonable?
My aunt here won't help at all as has high blood pressure.
Would you say by 20th August that's my limit?

If you are I'll, this is exactly the correct time to ask all the adult devices, GP, charities for help. However, if you are not next of kin, all the organization may need to be done by his daughter. You have sacrificed your life and your health. It is now time to get in extra help. Please make the phone calls, please ensure that your health improves. You cannot continue without extra help

Would it help if someone here drafted an email you can copy and send to your aunt? You are so ground down I feel like you can't see the wood for the trees.

Your aunts are despicable. Unfortunately this won't go away until you say stop.

And to reassure you, no they absolutely will not take you to court or your GF for hanging up on them. She was being a bully.

I have a mental health nurse who is starting CBT with me,I'm hoping that will help.
She's been a great listener and has also offered to speak to adult services for me.
She's offered me carer counselling too.

4 weeks is way more than reasonable. I'd say 2.

Do you ever get a break at all? Even a week off?

Yes that would be helpful but honestly nobody should feel obliged to draft a email.
I will be able to get something together and my dad will help.
I feel guilty for everything lately..when I go home and grandad cry's,I feel awful about myself.

Take up that offer from the nurse as well- it might get help quicker that way as it's coming from a professional.

No break in 3 years..April 2015 was the last time I had a couple of days to myself.

April 2015 was last visit from aunty in America and December 2017 was my Aunt down the roads last visit (that was to get her £20 Christmas box from my grandad )

That is atrocious. You need to let the guilt go - they are the ones that are guilty, not you.

Money for anyone who doesn't know what I mean by "Christmas box " ha ha
It's a very northern phrase

4 weeks is too long, you need help now. Please make the phone calls tomorrow and ask for help. Ask all your contacts for help

I don't think my depression is solely about being a carer
It's seeing all my friends have children and family's.
I'm sat with my grandad and he will be shouting at me,then I go on Facebook and see people my age ..uploading pics of beach days with kids or Christmas morning with kids
I'm so jealous ..I would love to be a mum.
I think I would be a good mum (if I ever get the chance )
If you ignore the depression ..that will get better.