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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Aibu to stop being a full time carer and walk away?

262 replies

dooodoooo · 18/07/2018 14:19

Been caring for my grandad for 10 years now.
He has 2 daughters,one lives the next street over and the other in America.
Haven't seen daughter 1 (local ) in 7 months and daughter 2 in 3 years.
My mum died when I was 12 (grandads daughter)
At first it started just getting the shopping and now 10 years later I'm here from 7am to 6pm every day.
I've told my aunt (in January ) I couldn't cope anymore and we need help.
She still hasn't came to sort it (she has power of attorney and bank books)
I have zero life ..nothing.
Nobody
This is my life...
Aunt 2 (in America ) used to ring 3 x a week,now we are lucky if it's once per week.
Eventually both aunts won't keep in touch.
I've had to start taking anti depressants and I'm getting pretty scared to leave the house.
I'm stressed really bad
I'm so close to just leaving

OP posts:
dooodoooo · 18/07/2018 15:15

I go home and before I go I put him to bed.
Well he sleeps on sofa now with quilt.
He can't hear the phone ringing and wouldn't answer anyway ..believe you and me my aunt wouldn't be ringing.
I make sure I always ring 1471 too if I pop to Tesco

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 18/07/2018 15:15

This is a serious safeguarding issue.
I would be worried about the use or abuse of his finances.
This is a very unfair situation. Social services must carry out a carer's assessment with you, but I think you must tell them you can no longer be his carer.

Jaxhog · 18/07/2018 15:15

I worry she's looking down on me and is disgusted that I'm so low and can't cope.

I suspected she IS looking down disgusted. At her sisters, not you. Anyone would be incredibly proud that you have done so much for so many years. Most people would not be able to cope in the same situation.

Anyone would struggle with this situation. Please go and get help as others have suggested. You need support.

Good Luck!

dooodoooo · 18/07/2018 15:16

He can't wash himself or cook etc
He hasn't got the mental ability now and also he walks to the side now ..he is having falls often.
I've been told that's the Lewy body

OP posts:
Bibesia · 18/07/2018 15:18

The thing is if I was to say I want my grandad in a care home ..I would be left with all the backwash of sorting it out ,and clearing house

Why would you have to sort out the house? I'd suggest that you simply pack up what your grandfather needs, tell your aunts the rest is down to them, and tell the Housing Association to pester the aunts if they don't organise it.

My aunts would say ..you chose that

You can point out that you didn't, and that you aren't going to do it.

Bibesia · 18/07/2018 15:19

Sorry, just noticed the bit where the GP's surgery wouldn't send someone because they're too busy. Ask them to arrange a definite appointment for when they're less busy.

Frogscotch7 · 18/07/2018 15:20

You sound like a really caring person. Your aunts have let down you, your mother and your grandfather. You have done nothing wrong. You cannot look after anyone without looking after yourself first.

dooodoooo · 18/07/2018 15:20

I'm 32.
Grandad doesn't have any will
He has a northern rock book account (had it donkeys years now )
He rents from a H/A and has no savings
Maybe £7000 tops

OP posts:
astoundedgoat · 18/07/2018 15:20

If you are the poster I think you are, you have been distraught and posting on here for a couple of years about it. Have you taken any advice from your previous threads? Who have you spoken to? Have you been to the GP on your own account?

You don't have to do ANYTHING. You should not be caring for your grandfather and if you let him go into professional care you DO NOT have to clear the house. Take your belongings and leave. Give everyone 2 weeks warning, and GO.

dooodoooo · 18/07/2018 15:21

Will the h/a take us to court? Regarding the electrical safety check?
I've just rang and booked it in for two weeks and my dad is going to take him for two hours

OP posts:
Madforfootball · 18/07/2018 15:22

Book yourself a holiday.

Tell aunts, GP and social services what you are doing. Someone will need to step up. And tell them you will NOT be taking over the reins on your return.

And if he goes into a home have nothing to do with the house. It's not like he'll suffer if you don't. Let your aunts sort it out.

Finally, ((hugs)), Wine, Cake and Flowers to you.

HollowTalk · 18/07/2018 15:23

How can she book herself a holiday if she's not earning?

OP, are you registered as his carer? What are you living on?

dooodoooo · 18/07/2018 15:24

When I was talking to housing officer I got upset and as she was saying bye I hung up
Will that cause her to evict grandad ?
Also I rent with H/A and she's my housing officer would she evict me?
Surely she should understand I was upset
I didn't swear or anything I just hung up and since then rang back and arranged apt(spoke to someone else )
My dads taking day off work.
I was just getting upset as I was explaining how bad grandad is and she kept saying well we can take him to court ..

OP posts:
dooodoooo · 18/07/2018 15:25

I receive housing benefit and carers allowance.
I did have a part time job till recently (10 hours ) at night sometimes early morning as a cleaner but was too tired all the time.

OP posts:
Arum51 · 18/07/2018 15:25

Oh love, it's like you're the Invisible Woman, isn't it? You keep talking, asking for help, but no-one is bloody listening, because it doesn't suit them. Aunts just want to preserve the inheritance. GP can't be arsed. Social care just want you to shut up and carry on, because it saves them money. Housing association - God knows what her bloody problem was.

And now you're having a nervous breakdown, which has been clearly building for months. If anyone had bothered actually seeing what was going on in front of them, this would not be happening.

I'm so sorry, you have been badly let down, by everyone. And now you're very unwell, far too unwell to carry on. The symptoms you're describing are those of a proper breakdown. You need help, and you need it fast.

As a pp said, as long as you keep doing what you're doing, no-one is going to help. The situation suits them, even though it doesn't suit you, or your granddad. He is far too ill to be being cared for by a single person, who is mentally unwell herself. No matter how hard you are struggling, you won't be able to cope at all much longer.

So please. For your sake, for your Granddad's sake, and for your mum's sake (do you really think she'd want it to be like this for you? Of course she had higher hopes for you than being driven to suicidal depression by other people's selfishness!) just say you're stopping. Make an emergency appointment with your GP today, then stick to your guns. You're happy to still see your granddad and spend time with him, but not as his carer.

dooodoooo · 18/07/2018 15:27

I haven't been well the last week either which doesn't help.
I've been having Pvcs (extra heartbeats that feel like a kick in the chest ) every 30 seconds.
Thankfully that's eased now
I have a upset stomach daily and every day I'm so angry,I go from shouting to crying hysterically
Jan time I even scratched my own face (don't know why and haven't done that since )

OP posts:
dooodoooo · 18/07/2018 15:29

Apart from that I'm ok (sorry if I sound like a loon)
I'm sick of worrying
I won't sleep tonight now worrying about that housing officer threatening court action.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 18/07/2018 15:30

It doesn't sound as though any inheritance would be lost if he went into a care home, though. Why can't his aunt see that he's not in the best place for him?

HollowTalk · 18/07/2018 15:31

Your aunt, I mean!

HollowTalk · 18/07/2018 15:32

Don't worry about the HA woman. She can threaten all she likes. Maybe send an email if that's easier outlining what you told her. You have evidence then of what's been said and they would never go to court after receiving that.

Popchyk · 18/07/2018 15:33

dooodoooo,

So sorry you're going through that. FIL had LBD and it was utterly awful. He had hallucinations, paranoia. He also thought that a picture of a seaside scene in his bedroom was actually an evil man who was going to kill him when he was left alone.

He would not sleep. Ever. Would call out every 10 minutes overnight as he thought someone was trying to kill him (we had already taken down the pictures of course).

Carers came and he thought they were stealing all his money that was under the bed (there was no money under the bed) or that they were trying to kill him.

I cannot tell you the stress that it involved. MIL and DH were doing the majority of the caring and I honestly thought they were both headed for a breakdown. I had to put my foot down and insist that he went into a nursing home for a week for "respite". Of course I knew that he wouldn't be coming home again. But I had to sell it to them as a temporary solution. FIL did have a lot of savings so I just choose the most expensive, nicest one, and he didn't mind it so much there. He passed away after a few months.

You'll end up needing care yourself if you carry on.

So stop. You have to. Say to the local daughter "Friday is my last day, I can't do any more". If a crisis develops then let other people step up and sort it. It wouldn't be a bad thing for him to have to go into hospital and that would give his local daughter breathing space to get something sorted. Do not involve yourself in that or sorting out the house.

Can you go and stay at your dad's for a few days? Or a friend's?

sociopathsunited · 18/07/2018 15:33

You need help. Quickly.

Hand your Grandfather's care over to Social Services immediately (telling them your Aunt's details so they can organise things with her) and get yourself to the doctors or even A & E, right now.

You really do not sound at all well, physically or mentally, and if you collapse, your Granddad won't be in a position to help you or call for help.

I'm sorry, but this really does sound like an emergency. I'm not absolutely certain, if you're having chest pains, that this isn't a 999 call....

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/07/2018 15:34

When SS offered the 10 minutes care, were you given a carer's assessment? Did they ask about your MH or needs?

You need to do what other posters have said. Inform SS that you are stopping care on a date and tell them he is a danger to himself and that you are depressed and not coping (and self harming). They need to understand how bad it is. I'd do it in writing. He needs proper long term care.

dooodoooo · 18/07/2018 15:35

I don't live with grandad thankfully so I can escape around 6/7 pm
My GP has all records of my grandads condition so could always send that to H/A but as I've booked apt now that should be ok.

I'm so stressed all the time.
My aunt was meant to ring Saturday ..she didn't
Emailed me saying she would call today between 12-1 she didn't
Shock

OP posts:
dooodoooo · 18/07/2018 15:36

The assessment was after he had mini stroke and I wasn't having mental health problems then.
I said no to the 10 mins I just thought that's no good for anything

OP posts:
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