Aibu to stop being a full time carer and walk away?

[dooodoooo]

Been caring for my grandad for 10 years now.
He has 2 daughters,one lives the next street over and the other in America.
Haven't seen daughter 1 (local ) in 7 months and daughter 2 in 3 years.
My mum died when I was 12 (grandads daughter)
At first it started just getting the shopping and now 10 years later I'm here from 7am to 6pm every day.
I've told my aunt (in January ) I couldn't cope anymore and we need help.
She still hasn't came to sort it (she has power of attorney and bank books)
I have zero life ..nothing.
Nobody
This is my life...
Aunt 2 (in America ) used to ring 3 x a week,now we are lucky if it's once per week.
Eventually both aunts won't keep in touch.
I've had to start taking anti depressants and I'm getting pretty scared to leave the house.
I'm stressed really bad
I'm so close to just leaving

I would email or call the aunt who is in charge of finances and say, 'I'm no longer available. My life circumstances have changed. You will need to sort out care for grandad every day, all day, as I will no longer be there. Good luck.'
I'd go no contact with the aunts because they're pieces of shit, and I would quietly check on grandad at various times when no one is around. If they really, truly don't do anything to care for him then I'd call SS anonymously and say there is a man living with dementia on his own, you believe he is a danger to himself, he needs a welfare check.

Hugs to you OP. Honestly, you have been AMAZING. I agree with all the advice above, you need to get him in a nursing home, you cannot carry on as you have been. Please keep us updated, we are rooting for you.

The aunt abroad every few months will put £100 in my bank and say
"Treat yourself to something nice"
Guilt money possibly?
The last she put in..I haven't touched it

Please tell me you have other income? And, whilst we're on the subject, do you keep receipts for everything you spend using your DGD's card? I'd hate for somebody to turn round and say you've been stealing from him.

I receive carers allowance which is around £65 a week.
I pretty much live in my CC
No I don't keep receipts
They wouldn't dare say that after everything I've done for him.
I would loose it with them if they dared

I would start keeping receipts OP. People can turn very nasty when they want to be and I’d hate for them to turn on you.

Unfortunately they haven't the resources to offer us more

I haven't read the entire thread, but actually yes they do - however they certainly won't offer any more while there's the slightest chance someone else will step in

That's not really the point though; on the whole I agree with PPs who've said to give the daughter fair warning of a date you're going to step back, then actually do step back

Unfortunately, nothing else will work so the choice is in your hands

OP over PM'd you

How do I check Pm on the app?
I can't find that section ?

Who pays for your granddads shopping? Do they cover that or are you expected to?

Do you live with him or have your own place

Your family are treating you terribly

You can't on the app, you'll need to go on the website.

It doesn't sound like you are prepared to walk away or issue ultimatums to the aunts.

What if you kept it simple and tell them (in writing) the current state of your Grandads health and say that you unable to cope any longer without support, and what do they propose to do about the situation?

This has two advantages to you. Firstly, the situation is clearly recorded. You may even want to copy SS in. Secondly, it puts the onus back on to them to investigate solutions and step up to their responsibilities.

There should be a little 'person' somewhere- I'm on the website but going through my phone not the app (really should download the app though) x

Oh my word, you definitely anbu harangue your aunt and tell her this is not fair! She needs to do something if she is power of attorney for him.

You deserve a life, you need support off the wider family and outside help. Aunt should look into Home help ASAP.

💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐

Do you know for definite that either aunt has power of attorney registered for his finances and one registered for his health and welfare, a hospital, carehome or social services will need to see proof, it is a letter from the office of the public guardian. The aunt will have a copy of it if they have registered it . Like a pp said be careful with his money, you have access to his p.o. account and are using his card, some people can get funny about this. Does grandad have a dementia nurse. I don't know what you mean by living in your Cc.

Hi - if you are only claiming Carers Allowance you can claim Income Support as well. Phone 0800 055 6688 to make your claim (providing that you have less than £16k) in savings.

I know that money isn't the reason that you are here but while you are looking after your grandad its gives you a bit extra to treat yourself with

Il go on the desktop version on the laptop when I get home tonight.
I meant living on my credit card..
My aunt called yesterday and I explained the hallucinations were bad and I got upset and cried and she said she would call today but she's just emailed saying her phone is broken and can't ring till it's fixed next week.
Do you think there's any way after assessment he could continue to live at home?
Nurses coming in and people making meals ?
Who is that no doable ?
I honestly don't know how he could get in the home ..he would be hysterical and upset.
I wish my aunt would come to England and I wouldn't have to be the one making that choice.

How very convenient for your aunt that her phone is broken.

She isn't going to change- not until you force her hand. It's horrible but it needs to be done.

What sort of accommodation does grandad live in. He could have an assessment, they will look at his medical and mental condition, going to the toilet, walking, eating, getting washed dressed and in and out of bed. They might suggest he can stay at home with carers coming in for about half and hour 4 times a day, they will be nursing assistants, he may also be able to get overnight carers. He could have a hospital type bed downstairs, meal deliveries, the carers could provide snacks. It is very difficult to care this amount of care at home, there is a very long waiting list. He must see a doctor as well because they will want to know about his medical problem, his behaviour, hallucinations, the doctor should visit him at home. You will also need to show the assessment people who has power of attorney and who looks after his money, if no one has legal registered power of attorney they must know. In my experience he could be really well looked after in a carehome, don't worry about getting him there, the ambulance people and doctors hace a lot of experience with this and can help him to be calm. There are some very nice carehomes, you can visit the ones they recommend, you can visit whenever you want, you can help the staff to look after him. If his hallucinations are bad then you can call his doctor, they can do more than the auntie.

Oh my goodness, your mum is looking down on you and she is so incredibly proud. You are amazing, doing all this for your grandad. And she will be absolutely raging with your family and how little they are doing to help you.

I really hope you understand what an amazing thing you are doing for him, and also I hope you understand that you have been absolutely let down by every other member of your family (apart from your dad). They should be throughly ashamed of themselves. No matter what happens from here on in you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, and absolutely no reason to feel guilty or feel you have not done enough.

I am in my 40s, married to a lovely supportive husband, and we are really struggling to get proper care for his parents. So it must feel a hundred times harder for you on your own and being so young.

Sadly I think it often takes things reaching crisis point for anything to happen. My mil is in hospital and I have refused to take responsibility for her care when she leaves. I feel guilty as anything that she's stuck in hospital waiting for a care package, but we are only being taken seriously now because she's taking up a hospital bed.

We're in Scotland and I found the helpline Alzheimers Scotland to be hugely helpful for talking about a family member with dementia. Their advice line is staffed by volunteers who have all been carers so they totally get it. I'm sure there will be similar in England, or just phone the scottish one. How will they know where you live? I have cried to those people so many times. Call them.

I'm sorry I don't have any other advice. If you don't feel that you can just walk away (I would find that really hard too) I think you have to stop looking to the family for support. You are not going to get any there so stop wasting your energy trying. I know it's rubbish, but that's life. They are shitty, selfish people.

Focus your efforts on social services, gp surgery, alzheimer's support groups. Are there any local groups you could get him to? Our local church runs a weekly music group. Or would he not go, is it too hard to get him out? Sometimes just making a connection with other people who get it can make all the difference.

I am not making excuses for your family, they don't deserve any. But if they don't see him day to day like you do they might well honestly not realise how bad he is or how much care he needs. Could you say 'I need to go away for 3 days next week, you will need to look after grandad' and then go? Maybe that would give them a shock to realise what is involved. Or maybe they would just do the bare minimum and you will have to pick up the pieces.

I'm sorry this has all landed on you. It's not fair.

It’s totally inappropriate the aunt living abroad has control of his finances. With the distance and time differences it’s really impractical. And you don’t really know if he’s got any money in savings etc that she is controlling. The fact that she bungs you £100 every so often out of guilt isn’t really cutting it.

He could have money that could be used to get some support services in to help you / him,

Social services should have a POVA (protection of vulnerable adults) team - you should make a referral for your gf to them and they should act. Tell them his daughter who lives abroad controls his finances and you don’t think she’s acting in his best interests.

How very convenient for your aunt that her phone is broken.

She isn't going to change- not until you force her hand. It's horrible but it needs to be done.

SORRY BUT I SAW THAT ONE COMING next week is seven days away. contact princess royal trust for carers. they could fight on your behalf. give it some thought.

This thread is titled "Aibu to stop being a full time carer and walk away?" because you have completely had enough and can't go on as you are.

It does take effort to contact the people who should help and to insist on them actually helping, but you have to do it or things will only get worse.

The other option is to stop going round, as a pp said. Notify the local aunt and SS that your he will be on his own from xx date, then don't go in.
(I know you'll want to check he's all right - maybe your dad could find that out for you.)

I hope the antibiotics are helpful but do get help before you crack up under the strain.

I meant, *your grandad will be on his own.

His daughters should be stepping up, but because you are looking after him, they get a free rein to bugger off, and will enjoy his inheritance, leaving nothing for your no doubt. I would contact Adult Social services, tell Aunts that you are no longer able to look after him, and don't care for him anymore. You have to be cruel to be kind. He needs a care home for his needs.