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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To one day tell DD she was a mistake?

393 replies

TeasndToast · 18/07/2018 12:55

Ok obviously not in those words. I have 4 DC but it was my choice to have 3. Number 4 was a contraception failure and I was completely unaware I was pregnant until nearly halfway through the pregnancy.

Our 6 month old baby is a delightful, lovely baby who is every bit as loved as my other children. However, there is no doubt having too many children has had an enormous impact on our family, my career and not in a good way.

I don’t ever want DD4 to feel unwanted but neither do I want her to grow up and think it’s a good idea to follow in my footsteps. My other children know she was a huge surprise. Any advice on how to deal with this in the future in a sensitive way?

OP posts:
ProperLavs · 18/07/2018 14:22

I'm glad you are thinking that way OP.
I would start telling your other dc that although she was a surprise, you had wanted a 4th but nothing had happened so assumed it wouldn't. That way she is surprise but was wanted all along.
You need to subtly change the story for them so there is no chance of them saying something awful.

AdoraBell · 18/07/2018 14:22

I was told that I was a mistake. It’s one of the things kept my self esteem on the floor. If you have to tell her then say she was a surprise.

MrsJayy · 18/07/2018 14:23

Blaming yourself for something you didn't realise is totally pointless you were rushed to hospital bleeding unaware of pregnancy that has to have had an affect on you emotionally but you need to sort this out in your head you can't be thinking her being here has ruined your carefully planned life

amusedbush · 18/07/2018 14:23

Slightly different as I was planned but when I was about 22 my mum told me that she never wanted kids and only had me so my dad wouldn't leave her. I have one sibling who is six years younger so if I was a band-aid for their marriage, god knows what he was. She said if she could re-do her life she would never have had us, and she urged me not to have kids of my own because "it's shite".

And then she complains that I never want to spend time with her.

averythinline · 18/07/2018 14:23

I would'nt tell your other children not to say anything - you will be making it into something much bigger than it needs to be.....

BettyDuMonde · 18/07/2018 14:24

One of my friends had several rounds of IVF before falling with her first at 36. By the time she was 41 she had three under 5, the second two conceived without any assistance at all.

Women’s bodies are mysterious and magnificent and difficult and fascinating. You’ve got a little to look after and your hormones are all over the shop.

The fact you are thinking so far in the future shows how much you love your surprise daughter - just be kinder to yourself and let your family grow together.

I have big age gaps in my kids, 18, 11 and 6. The 11 year old is my stepdaughter, I like to think the universe deliberately saved her a slot, perfectly spaced between my two bio babies!

MrsJayy · 18/07/2018 14:26

I am not saying you don't care for or love your baby but she has turned your world upside down this is your issue not hers you treat her as you would all your other planned children.

Mamabear4180 · 18/07/2018 14:28

I would'nt tell your other children not to say anything - you will be making it into something much bigger than it needs to be.....

I agree! It will seem like a horrible secret! Just keep things light OP! It doesn't matter, I'm sure this fear is postnatal hormones? x

DoryNow · 18/07/2018 14:30

I worked wth a lovely gynaecologist once who said she reckoned at least 40 if not 50%of pregnancies were unplanned, in that the timing was not what they wished.

BUT she added unplanned but not unwanted Smile

I'd leave well alone OP, enjoy your lovely babe & have a joke about it later when she's old enough to understand she was a wondeful surprise, not a mistake.

LoveInTokyo · 18/07/2018 14:30

I don't understand what good this could possibly do. And it would come across as though you're saying that if you had realised you were pregnant sooner, you would have aborted her.

Your daughter will have the same issues and the same choices as you did. Contraceptives will probably not be any more reliable in 20 years' time than they are now.

What do you expect your daughter (or any of your other children) to actually DO with this knowledge?

MindBodyChocolate · 18/07/2018 14:30

A surprise, yes. A lovely, much-loved surprise.

Never never never a mistake. I know friends who are the "mistake" of the family, and were told as much - it's affected them for life, negatively. Just don't.

HelenUrth · 18/07/2018 14:31

So now you're saying you're going to tell your other kids to keep a secret from her - please tell me you haven't let them realise you think this baby is a "mistake", it's bound to come out at some stage during childhood if that's the case.

The fact that you even thought of the word mistake in this context is very concerning.

In relation to whether she might do the same thing as you when she's older, i.e. plan a larger family, why on earth do you have these concerns about her and not your other children? Why would you not treat them all the same?

Friends of ours planned their first 2 and then were shocked to find number 3 was on the way. What all 3 kids were told is that 2 were planned and 1 was a surprise, all equally wanted, this worked fine.

Summersup · 18/07/2018 14:32

Don't tell the others to keep anything a secret.

Be as honest as you can- you didn't know you were pregnant, you got really sick and no-one knew what was wrong, then you saw the baby on a scan and that minute fell in love with her.

No need for secrets, or talk of 'mistakes'- and why will your other children be talking about this, one of them is only 2 anyway!

I think you are fixating on this probably as you had such a traumatic time.

dinosaurkisses · 18/07/2018 14:32

My twin sister and I were an accident- I've never found it upsetting, more an amusing story given how careful and risk-averse our parents are, only to end up with unplanned twins!

Unplanned pregnancies are a fact of life- it doesn't automatically mean the child is unwanted or a "mistake". I don't think most people who found out that they themselves were unplanned after a happy childhood with supportive, caring parents would be shaken to their core.

HildaZelda · 18/07/2018 14:32

Why on earth would you tell your daughter that? What are you hoping to achieve? Also, why do all your other children know that she was 'a huge surprise'? Why did you have to tell them that?

MissLipsey · 18/07/2018 14:35

@TeasndToast First let me say I believe you when you say you love your little one and have no intention of telling her that she is a 'mistake'..

But please, go back a read your own posts again. Each time you post, you talk about having 4 children as a negative and something you actively want to guide your DCs away from. You refer to your baby with love but clearly view your overall family situation as 'bad'.

Even in your last post you say you that you will tell your other children to never mention the circumstances of DC4's arrival. It really isn't a dreadful secret that must be kept. Many families have funny stories about the way children came about or were a surprise or planned for years. That's family life. My DD is named Poppy because she was a fabulous surprise. Just like the glorious wild field Poppies that arrive totally unplanned - bright and beautiful!

It concerns me that you have such a negative view of having created a family of 4 DCs. Negative to the point that you restate each time that you don't want your DCs to do the same.

May be talking it all through with someone detached would help Flowers

LimboLuna · 18/07/2018 14:36

My eldest was a contraception failure (actually 2 things failed, I'm sure theres a sex ed lesson there!) and it will be very easy to work out. So i do plan to be honest, I didn't think i will need to be, but the sort of kid they are, they will ask questions! i think a happy surprise and you were clearly determined to be here are two phrases i will use. I never thought i would be able to have kids in a 'planned' way so actually it happening the way it did was the very very best thing and they knew better then me that they were wanted and needed. They were never ever a mistake.

BettyDuMonde · 18/07/2018 14:36

If you want to reframe it for the older kids without them really noticing, make up a little nursery type rhyme sing-song thingy about lovely surprises and sing it to the baby often. The baby won’t have a clue what the words mean but ‘love-love-love-my-lovely-surprise’ or somesuch will be what sticks in the older kids heads, not the thoughts of mistakes, dramatic medical discoveries and having a poorly mum.

NorthernSpirit · 18/07/2018 14:37

What a terrible thing to tell any one ‘you were a mistake’. Very hurtful and unnecessary.

BagelGoesWalking · 18/07/2018 14:39

Haven't RTFT but hell, NO!

I was the third and last baby for my parents, who divorced when I was about 14. Once my mother told me, just in conversation, not to hurt me or anything, that once she'd packed her suitcase ready to leave my father before I was born.

That simple statement, not even about me directly, has had a negative impact on me. I know that once I was born, I was loved and wanted, but it sows a seed of doubt, that is really not helpful.

My own daughter was born 8 yrs after my son. I'd. been told I had PCOS etc and probably wouldn't have another child so she was unexpected, I only found out when I was 16 wks pregnant. I have taken great pains to always say that we'd hoped to have another baby, that she was a lovely surprise considering health issues etc but never a "mistake". Words can have a serious impact, choose them carefully.

lapenguin · 18/07/2018 14:39

Yeah don't try and guide her down a different path. She may end up with 4 DCs with one or more being unplanned. You just need to show her that whatever hand your dealt with she can cope with it and that maybe you'll be able to babysit for her xD
Like others say, she may never want kids, may struggle to have kids, may have one or 6.
Also I know things seem to feel like an up hill battle, but in a few years she will be at school and you'll have time to get your career back on track and no childcare to pay for!

Original poster
TeasndToast · 18/07/2018 14:39

So, deciding to actually have her was a positive decision you made - so she wasn't a mistake

Exactly! I’m glad you picked up on that. From the second I knew of her existence I loved and wanted her.

To PP no I don’t have prejudice against having 4 children as long as you have the time and money to do so. Despite me being on mumsnet im actually at work Blush and my little one is in nursery. I feel immensely guilty for that as I had time at home with my others.

Like i said it’s me, not her I blame for reducing my resources for them all (and DH of course) which is why I was thinking I should perhaps advise her differently. But having read the replies I see how ridiculous that is.

To PP about pnd help, it’s all on weekdays when I’m at work so can’t access the help.

OP posts:
Valanice1989 · 18/07/2018 14:40

Poor little girl. The comments about worrying that you'll "let it slip" when she's older make it sound like you resent her. That's not fair - you chose to have sex, and you chose not to have an abortion. It's your fault that you have four children, not hers.

Original poster
TeasndToast · 18/07/2018 14:41

little nursery type rhyme sing-song thingy about lovely surprises and sing it to the baby often. The baby won’t have a clue what the words mean but ‘love-love-love-my-lovely-surprise

That’s lovely advice! Thank you.

OP posts:
LeighaJ · 18/07/2018 14:41

It's worth adding that most people aren't anxious to know loads of details about how they came to be because no one wants to think of their parents having sex. Grin

Also the circumstances under which she was conceived are a bit unusual so how likeky is she to end up in the same situation as you?

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