To one day tell DD she was a mistake?

[TeasndToast]

Ok obviously not in those words. I have 4 DC but it was my choice to have 3. Number 4 was a contraception failure and I was completely unaware I was pregnant until nearly halfway through the pregnancy.

Our 6 month old baby is a delightful, lovely baby who is every bit as loved as my other children. However, there is no doubt having too many children has had an enormous impact on our family, my career and not in a good way.

I don’t ever want DD4 to feel unwanted but neither do I want her to grow up and think it’s a good idea to follow in my footsteps. My other children know she was a huge surprise. Any advice on how to deal with this in the future in a sensitive way?

You need to try and get some paid time off for PND support - I don’t know the laws and rights around maternity stuff anymore but mental health is as important as physical health and you would surely be able to get time off for a physical hospital appointment or something?

Is there anyone sympathetic you could talk to at work? Are you in a union? Does the maternity rights alliance still exist (they helped me when my 18 year old was still in utero!)

My DD was an accident - a contraception failure with a ONS. I was an accident - 10 years after my DM decided her family was complete. My DM was an accident - 8 years after her DM decided her family was complete. My DGM was an accident - she was the 6th child and the 5th was also an accident!

The point I'm making is that it's fine to know you're an accident as long as it's clear you were wanted, ie not a mistake.

My third was an unexpected surprise
I often say he was my bonus baby or my ‘buy one get one free’
He’s known this since he was tiny

I’d never use words like ‘accident’ or ‘mistake’.

He’s neither

Never, under any circumstances tell her she was a mistake. Call her a lovely surprise, something like that XX

Sometimes being planned and wanted comes with its own set of tricky expectations. It's no secret in our family that both my DBs were unplanned; I was another matter, and because I was a girl my DF, as per his promise, made my DM's tea every morning until he became too ill and died. However, thanks to a blood incompatibility I was lucky to survive the neonatal stage and the resulting damage left me hearing impaired. I've always felt I've had to compensate somehow for that (more because of how school and society treated me, rather than my parents) and make my life worth the massive investment my parents put in, and I feel disappointed in myself that I haven't achieved as much as I thought I might.

Didn't mean to derail, but this stuff cuts both ways.

"To PP about pnd help, it’s all on weekdays when I’m at work so can’t access the help."

Have a look at PANDAS
www.pandasfoundation.org.uk/

Helpline number: 0843 28 98 401
Open 9am-8pm every day

(I used to volunteer for them)

I'm wondering why she shouldn't follow in your footsteps? It is not your place to decide how many children would be enough for her in the future. You find 4 kids a bit much, other people have different experiences. I'd leave it at that she was a very welcome surprise. The rest is just your opinion and best kept to yourself.

BettyDuMonde The baby is 6months old she should still be on her statutory maternity leave most likely.

My mother was the youngest of 6, with less than a year between her and older brother who was number 5. As there is a bigger gap between number 4 and 5 I've always presumed they were both accidents. My mother and this brother were always incredibly close and clearly much loved by my granny who was an older and more experienced mother by the time they arrived. They were also doted on by the oldest two who were 11 and 13 years older. All in all they probably had a happier life than any of their siblings.

GallicosCats*

Thank you for sharing that.

No I’m not on stat maternity leave. I had to get a job within weeks of having her as we couldn’t afford for me to stay at home any longer.

I cry every morning I leave her at nursery. This is what I mean with all my negative feelings. I love and adore her with every fibre of my being, yet cannot give her the same time in the first few years as my others enjoyed.

I don’t blame her for that.
I don’t resent her for that.
Having a large family in itself if not bad.

I feel I have had her without being able to be there as much for her and I feel terrible about that.

I’m the fourth sibling and was told at different times that I was “the sting in the tail” (i.e. conceived during later fertile years), the reason DM had her tubes tied and that she would have been perfectly happy with two children (WHICH two??).

I also know that I was loved fiercely and unconditionally, adored by the other sibs, and benefitted from DP who’d seen it all before and were actually really cool parents, in spite of often being mistaken for my DGP.

DD knows she was a “surprise” too, but a very happy one. After 5 years of trying for number 2 we’d given up hope. She made her appearance after nearly 8!

Ah, here come the people piling in who haven’t read the thread but just want to pile in to put the boot in. So I’ll leave now but thank you to everyone who has offered great advice.

Tea, set up a thread elsewhere - you need support and (without the don't RTFT people) mn are brilliant at that.

Please, think carefully how you do this! My DB was the 4th and unexpected child, and DM told him this. Took him a while to get over it, and DM still overcompensates as a result.

I always knew I was a ‘mistake’ and product of failed/incorrectly taken birth control. It doesn’t bother me in the slightest. My parents were going to try for another but a year later and I just came early that’s all! I honestly don’t think it matters, what matters is how children are treated after birth.

Best of luck TeasandToast - try not to worry about being a thinly stretched resource - multiple siblings provide a different kind of resource, one that fills in the gaps. Love is the important bit.

I'll be telling DTDs one day there were a wonderful surprise, but never a mistake

I'm an accident, but not a mistake. I don't mind at all being an accident or a surprise, I was kept and I'm loved. You can tell her, but I wouldn't use mistake.

You sound like a lovely mum OP, I think you're having a v hard time atm. Take care of you

I should have said ‘accident’ not ‘mistake’ as mistake implies not being wanted

Why? What do you or your child get out of it? She wasn't a mistake, just unplanned.

Amazing surprise! Not a mistake ffs! Personally I'd say nothing. Kids generally don't want gruesome details of their conception.....ewww!

Don't you DARE ever ever tell her she was a 'mistake'. Unbelievably cruel and so selfish. I know the effect this can have on a child - my own grandson was told this and I have seen the devastating consequences this has had on his confidence and some of his life decisions even through to his present age in late twenties. I also know how bitter it has been for another family member - much much older - when she found her father had asked about a termination citing what could possibly have been a serious medical outcome for her mother.

Don't. Just don't.

I agree with another pp tell your child what a lovely surprise they were and how you wouldn’t change it for anything.