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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To one day tell DD she was a mistake?

393 replies

TeasndToast · 18/07/2018 12:55

Ok obviously not in those words. I have 4 DC but it was my choice to have 3. Number 4 was a contraception failure and I was completely unaware I was pregnant until nearly halfway through the pregnancy.

Our 6 month old baby is a delightful, lovely baby who is every bit as loved as my other children. However, there is no doubt having too many children has had an enormous impact on our family, my career and not in a good way.

I don’t ever want DD4 to feel unwanted but neither do I want her to grow up and think it’s a good idea to follow in my footsteps. My other children know she was a huge surprise. Any advice on how to deal with this in the future in a sensitive way?

OP posts:

ItsNachoCheese · 18/07/2018 14:06

Never ever tell a child they were a mistake! Doing that is beyond cruel and will shatter them mentally

mumsastudent · 18/07/2018 14:06

not planned but wanted - a friend had 4 children in about 4 years 1 set twins all girls - hubby had vasectomy - she fell pregnant - but they were all girls & their little surprise was a little boy- when they found out she was pregnant again he bought home a bunch of flowers :) I always thought they were a great couple & very good parents

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 18/07/2018 14:07

I know you did say you loved her, of course you must do. It’s just things like:

you say you want to tell her to ‘stop her from making the same mistake’.

Firstly, why her? Why not just educate all your children? Why do you need to let her know she’s the ‘cause’ of lost career/negativity? Why do you need to let her know that you made a mistake, which was her, and that this had a negative impact?

I think that the responsibility is yours and your partners alone.

MarshaBradyo · 18/07/2018 14:07

No don’t

As you should focus on making her feel absolutely wanted but also because she is her own person and may want a small family, a big one or none. You don’t have to influence her choices to that degree

MaterialReality · 18/07/2018 14:07

I was a planned baby and was told repeatedly how my mother regretted it later and wished she'd never had any children.

That's damaging to a child. 'Unplanned but not unwanted' isn't. I'd definitely avoid the word 'mistake' because that does make it sound as if she wasn't wanted, but mentioning that she wasn't a planned baby is very unlikely to do any harm. Just find positive words for it, as previous posters have said!

TheFallenMadonna · 18/07/2018 14:08

I was a mistake and it was fairly obvious so I have always known it. I know that it had horrible short term consequences for my Mum, but wonderful long term consequences (me as a daughter ). If you are loved and valued, you feel loved and valued, whether you are planned or not.

Original poster

TeasndToast · 18/07/2018 14:08

It doesn't matter if you don't think a big family is a good idea OP.
it doesn't matter that you don't want them to have 4 dc. That is about YOU not them. I have already said this to you

Yes you are right and yes i am confused. I’m in unchartered territory.

OP posts:

JessicaJonesJacket · 18/07/2018 14:08

Oh OP you're overthinking it.
I was a 'surprise'. I've always known that but despite being prone to over-analysing most things, knowing I was a surprise has never caused me a moment's angst. It's had no effect on my life. My decision about the size of my family was impacted by how I felt growing up in a large family. Believe me, you won't need to explain to your DD or your other DCs the benefits or disadvantages of having four DCs. They're living it and will reach their own opinions.

ragged · 18/07/2018 14:10

if you think telling a child they were unplanned is damaging, that's because YOU BELIEVE THAT UNPLANNED CHILDREN ARE BAD THINGS.

I shout for a reason. Me, DH, most our children, most are parents -- were unplanned. There is no shame in this. There is no secret to keep. If you think it's shameful; YOU ARE THE ONE WITH A TERRIBLE PREJUDICE.

I'll agree that mistake is the wrong word; mistake implies regret or unwanted or set of problems. No need to say mistake to the affected child.

ProperLavs · 18/07/2018 14:10

If you love her so much then what's the problem with 4 dc?

So you want to 'guide' your dc to not have 4 dc? But you have 4 dc.

How are you going to guide them exactly? What will you tell them?
'look dc I love you all but having no 4 really fucked up my life. I love her but things are easier and better when she wasn't there'.
You'd be a disgrace if you even hinted that.

GreenMeerkat · 18/07/2018 14:10

'Mistake' is such an awful way to describe a child.

My second daughter was unplanned (at the time). I refer to it as she was planned, just a year or two early.

I would never tell her she was a 'mistake'.

Saying that, I was unplanned and my mum told me, we are very close and tell each other pretty much everything. Doesn't bother me in the slightest. But she didn't tell me until I was in my late teens/twenties.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 18/07/2018 14:10

Please don't ever tell her this.

Theducksarenotmyfriends · 18/07/2018 14:12

I'm the fourth child and was told I was a happy mistake. I think it's funny, never impacted on me psychologically. It's not like I was sat down as a kid and told this in a very serious way as other posters are suggesting! It never impacted on my mums career though, she went back to work full time when I was 6 weeks. It was a massive, massive struggle at times for my parents though having four and the pressure did impact my dad quite badly. But we all survived, are very happy, well adjusted, well educated kids. Tbh you probably don't need to tell her, though it's totally your choice, as I've grown up having kids late and will probably only stop at having one dc. Your kids will choose their own path regardless. I think if my parents tried to influence my path in any way I responded by doing the exact opposite!

crimsonlake · 18/07/2018 14:12

Why on earth are you even thinking about this and considering bringing it up in the future? I imagine you have enough to keep yourself and your mind occupied with 4 children?
When your daughter is older it is up to her how many children she has and why, nothing to do with you.

BettyDuMonde · 18/07/2018 14:12

At some point, all your kids will probably ask you about the reality of raising 4 kids, as they start to settle down and plan for their own adult lives.

I think it’ll be perfectly possible at that point to say that while you have no regrets and love them all, every choice we make affects every other option, and that while professional success will likely be easier to achieve with fewer dependents, you will continue to love them and support them whichever option they prioritise.

ProperLavs · 18/07/2018 14:13

We are all in unchartered territory, but we just have to get on with it. No matter how shocking I feel at times I am not the priority, my dc are.

I'll say it one more time. All of your dc have to believe that you love having 4 dc. That is the bottom line.

drearydeardre · 18/07/2018 14:14

I was an 'accident' as was mentioned to me with the excuse that my sister and I were very near in age - and therefore a bit of a burden at the time
It hurt deeply as I was a third child (which is bad enough) and it affected my relationship with my mother.
Do not ever mention it to your child - it is not necessary and she needs to feel just as wanted'/loved as her siblings.

Mamabear4180 · 18/07/2018 14:15

There's no reason why you should worry about your daughter having 4 children one day for a start! I'm one of 4 and ttc no 4 myself! My sister has 4 kids too. All of us are very happy! There's no need for any sort of talk at all? The number of children she has will be up to her. By the time she's old enough to consider the idea for herself it will be none of you business anyway.

Atm my 14 year old wants 6 kids, 2 dogs and live in New York. She's even picked out names bless her. No point in me trying to sway her in any direction at the moment, it will only cause problems! On the other hand, she isn't at all interested in boys yet, doing great at school and plans to go to university.

IF (and it won't) it EVER comes up in a conversation about why you had 4 kids (I've never asked my mum this, why would I)? You can mention that your daughter was a lovely surprise but that's as far as any convo of that sort should ever go.

ichifanny · 18/07/2018 14:15

She will be so much part of the family by the time she’s old enough to understand that the subject will likely never come up anyway . I get you OP it’s a hard thing to get your head around having more kids than you ever thought you would . I feel the same .

averythinline · 18/07/2018 14:17

Please give yourself a break she is only 6months old... you will not e needing to guide her family planning for many years to come...
and her siblings sound quite a bit older so may/may not say anything in the future....
You do sound a bit overwhelmed though can you ask your Health visitor/gp for support ....is there homstart near you they can be helpful or maybe look at some of the ways to save time cleaner/online shop whatever...

Original poster

TeasndToast · 18/07/2018 14:19

Crikey, you must’ve been hella fertile to fall in those circumstances! Miracle, for sure smile

Yet I suffered infertility in my 20’s. Had DD3 at 38 and my latest little one at 40. Life is strange.

Aside from the personal attacks I really appreciate the excellent advice. Particularly those that are saying it isn’t really up to me to guide her away from anything. It’s her life and i need to make life as good as I can for them all.

Also yes I realise I must be really overthinking this and that as long as she always knows how much she has ALWAYS been loved and wanted from the second I saw her on the scan, it should be ok.

I’ll also tell my other children to never mention it and hope they resoect that.

OP posts:

adaline · 18/07/2018 14:19

The job and the lack of time my other children need from me is not great. You can love a child but not like the rest of your life. The two are not mutually exclusive you know.

I know that. But your OP seems to be blaming her existence for those things and I think if you tell her she was a mistake, and also show frustration for a lack of career something, she'll put two and two together and blame herself.

As for following in your footsteps - she isn't you. My parents both came from big families and only wanted one child. They both have siblings who never wanted children, others who had two and others who've had three or four. Please don't let the fact that you didn't want four to impact her decisions as she gets older.

Trinity66 · 18/07/2018 14:20

why would you tell her something like that, so odd

Kezzie200 · 18/07/2018 14:20

Getting pregnant might have been a mistake but you can always have an abortion. So, deciding to actually have her was a positive decision you made - so she wasn't a mistake.

BlueTears · 18/07/2018 14:21

Do not use the word mistake - that implies that you regret her.

Use he word accident but make sure you use it in a positive way, that she was a happy surprise and you love all your children.

Kids don't always follow in their parents footsteps. She may not want any kids!

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