To one day tell DD she was a mistake?

[TeasndToast]

Ok obviously not in those words. I have 4 DC but it was my choice to have 3. Number 4 was a contraception failure and I was completely unaware I was pregnant until nearly halfway through the pregnancy.

Our 6 month old baby is a delightful, lovely baby who is every bit as loved as my other children. However, there is no doubt having too many children has had an enormous impact on our family, my career and not in a good way.

I don’t ever want DD4 to feel unwanted but neither do I want her to grow up and think it’s a good idea to follow in my footsteps. My other children know she was a huge surprise. Any advice on how to deal with this in the future in a sensitive way?

No don’t if this had a negative impact. In fact I do think you need to check your thinking. You chose to have this baby. Whichever way you cut it, you could have been more aware / careful. I think if you accept this you can reframe the impact as your choice and more positively.

At the moment you sound passive and resentful, that it happened ‘to’ you and you love her ‘despite’ her negative impact.

It’s very early days to be thinking about telling her about the negative impact. She’s a baby. Are you getting consumed with this? Seek help if you are.

My mum told me that I was an accident. I didn’t mind at all. However there were no negative connotations and she didn’t insinuate that I’d had a bad impact on her career and family.

vulva I disagree with you. I don't think you can 'get over' not being wanted. In an ideal world every child should grow up believing that they were wanted as soon as the parents discovered the pregnancy whether planned or not.
I have 6 dc, all planned and so far most want large families of their own which I see as a reflection of their experiences growing up with lots of siblings.

I’m not sure why you’d think this.... do you secretly resent your child?

If I’m years to come my baby finds out she was a wonderful surprise, how do I explain that while gently guiding her down a different path?”

You’re still not getting it. Why does she in particular needs this advise? Why is this burden placed only on her shoulders? Can you not see that you should be advising ALL your dc?

It also seems you’ve over shared with your older dc. It’s none of their business the ins and outs of their parents family planning. They may guess she was a surprise, so what? but it’s all about how you package it to them. You’ve obviously packaged it very poorly which is why you’re now scared this may ^come out’, like its some dirty secret. .

I think sharing your contraception cock-ups with your DC is TMI. Especially if you think it is in some way Sex and Relationships Education.

I don't care what reasoning you have in your head..absolutely not

Your reasons are about you and not really the impact on your child...im sorry but you had sex and you carried to term.....this is not your child's fault

Ds2 was a wonderful surprise and our marriage ended when he was still a baby ....once ..a single time my mil made reference to the two being connected and she now is not allowed to see my DC until she has figured out that your own assumptions and ridiculous views will never be allowed to air in front of my DC

What does your oh think of this plan?

I’d put it to her that she was surprise not a mistake , currently pregnant with surprise baby number 4 and it’s a head fuck but I don’t suppose i’ll ever let on to her about it .

Please please don’t! No child should ever feel they were a mistake or anything other than wanted completely. It has caused untold damage to someone I know well and serves no purpose.
By all means teach your children about contraception and how it doesn’t always work 100% of the time but that was your issue, if you were totally done steps could have been taken like sterilisation, it’s not the resulting innocent child’s issue! If your older children say anything I would nip that in the bud straight away as it’s cruel and again serves no purpose! Perhaps you need some additional support via your GP if you’re looking at your beautiful baby but focusing on this.. x

Why are you still hurt by the fact that your mother and father had sex without imagining you while they did it?

I really don't think that's what the PP was referring to! Lots of babies are unplanned in that sense, but knowing your mum went through with the pregnancy and raised you even though she never wanted you must not be a very nice feeling at all, especially when she planned your siblings and genuinely wanted them in her life.

SaltyPeanut - that's awful :(

No, it is not something that needs to be said. My DS who is 9 asked me, because his friend at school had said to him that 'my dad said I'm alive because he was having too much fun to stop' He asked if I wanted 3 children and not two (he does ask strange questions like that at times, about many things) I did say that he was a bit of a surprise (but a very very lovely surprise) because I was told I couldn't have children anymore. He was fine with it, he found it funny actually, but it is not something I would ever have just told him. I also would never call him a mistake because I don't believe children are 'mistakes'.

Can I just clarify once I knew she existed she wasn’t for a SINGLE SECOND unwanted.

Secondly, I absolutely DO NOT resent her and I wouldn’t change a thing. My poorly worded post is really that I’m afraid that she might think that a big family is a great idea because I ‘planned’ one, when in fact I didn’t. And wouldn’t have.

I am also wondering if her being a surprise will come out as I have a large family and because of circumstances surrounding my pregnancy, everyone was completely shocked. As I said upthread, I had a massive hemmorage following months of heavy bleeding that I was on medication for, including the depovera shot. She is a little miracle.

I just wanted to know how to deal with it in the future but perhaps PP is right, I have been massively overthinking this lately.

My son knows he was a ‘surprise’ - his dad and I were only ever casual and weren’t together when I found out I was pregnant.
He’s 18 now and has always seen his dad and his dad’s family but it was clear he couldn’t have been part of a plan - we’d have had to make up an entire false backstory!

In the case where it’s one last child in an established family, there is no need to tell them, I would struggle to keep things quiet though (big gob, tendency towards unflattering honesty) so if you do decide to tell please frame it as ‘the happiest accident of our lives’ and ‘a wonderful surprise’ not as a ‘mistake’.

I bloody love my accidental son!

Secondly, I absolutely DO NOT resent her and I wouldn’t change a thing.

Sorry OP but your original post screams resentment. Maybe it's just the way it came across but you really don't seem very happy about her being in your life.

My husband was told he was a mistake but his younger sister wasn't, needless to say he barely has a relationship with his parents.

If his parents loved him and treated him the same as his sister, he'd still have a relationship with them (unless he really is a malicious knob).

That's where people are getting confused.

The OP telling or not telling isn't the make or break of her relationship with her child. How it will be understood will depend on their relationship though.

A mother could tell her child they were adopted from the start and there would be no issues.

But a mother telling an 18 year old "BTW you're adopted and I wish I'd never brought you home" is different and indicative of the wider relationship

if you were totally done steps could have been taken like sterilisation

I had been sterilised and had a reversal for number 3. I was on depo Vera shot and DH on vasectomy list. I also only had one Fallopian tube after an eptopic. He’s now had the snip. We were hardly feckless but I have never once said I blame my daughter so not sure why posters keep saying that.

I’m just afraid I set a bad example that’s all.

She is a little miracle.

That's what you and everyone in the family should say - if she ever asks.

Hate internet-diagnosis, but I'd wonder whether alongside potential PND is the potential for PTSD around the haemorrhage. Might be worth a chat with someone, get an expert opinion?

4 kids is not a large family really

I was an accident and DM never knew she was pregnant till she was 5 months , due to sometimes still having periods.
I was never told but my DM did tearfully inform me about it , and getting married in December (I was born the following April) in a bit of a rush (though they were planning on marrying , in the April ironically).
Her reasoning of telling me was It was their 20th anniversary coming up and my Aunt pointed out I would put two and two together eventually . I never did though.
Mum thought I would hate her for some reason but I never did and never would .
She said I was meant to be as at least her Dad got to see and know one grandchild for the 17 months of my life he shared with me, before he died.
Re the OP . Don't tell her , but if her older DBs and DSs mention it then say what somebody else suggested . She was a happy surprise to you all

OP unless you think every single thing your parents did was a 'great idea' then I wouldn't read too much into this. Your DD is unlikely to live her own life modelled exactly like yours.

Maybe it's just the way it came across but you really don't seem very happy about her being in your life.

She probably does know better than randoms on the internet though. You can love the stuff out of a kid but appreciate things are very hard too.

Crikey, you must’ve been hella fertile to fall in those circumstances! Miracle, for sure :)

It doesn't matter if you don't think a big family is a good idea OP.
it doesn't matter that you don't want them to have 4 dc. That is about YOU not them. I have already said this to you.

You have a responsibility to all your children to make them feel that being your dc is the best thing that could have happened to you.

Any hardships you are having are not their responsibility.

You MUST lie and tell them that you think having 4 dc is fantastic. To even hint that it is not would make them feel really really shit. Can't you see that?

You have to deal with having 4 dc, not them and each one of them must feeling as if they are a blessing to you.

You can't keep saying how much you treasure your youngest then go on about not wanting your dc to have a family of 4.

I think you are very confused.

Sorry OP but your original post screams resentment. Maybe it's just the way it came across but you really don't seem very happy about her being in your life

Absolute tripe as I’ve said. A badly worded post. I love her so much.

The job and the lack of time my other children need from me is not great. You can love a child but not like the rest of your life. The two are not mutually exclusive you know.