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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH comments about 'not working'

154 replies

LovelyBath77 · 16/07/2018 20:50

I'm a SAHM for two school age children and I also have mental health illness. Since they've been at school I have been getting remarks from DH about 'not working' and as if he is hard done to bacause he's 'at work' and the like.

I'm on meds and claiming PIP and cont based ESA (from last job) but he doesn't seem to understand and i think it makes me feel worse- I'd like to work, i'm well trained (to postgraduate level).

I also feel I do work, it isn't easy having MH issues and being on meds with side effects and just managing day to day with the children etc.

He doesn't seem to consider the benefits to be being at home, and that things could get a lot worse if I did work and try to balance everything, or the logistics involved (holidays etc). He's self employed and works all hours.

Seems to be a bit of a type A personality, always on about doing things and not just being. I'm not really like that. I think he feels being home is making me worse. It's not that simple though

OP posts:
Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 16/07/2018 21:05

bump

OP posts:
saoirse31 · 16/07/2018 21:09

Do you want to work? Maybe have conv along lines of, well if I'm working 9 to 5, 40 mins there and back, how will we manage school drop offs, sports, clubs etc?

Cyberworrier · 16/07/2018 21:11

I’m sorry OP, sounds really hurtful. Of course raising children is just as important as being the money earner.
You say you’d like to work- is it feasible for you to find something part time? How old are your children?
Is he worried about money?

Bowlofbabelfish · 16/07/2018 21:11

Are you able to work?
Do you feel it would be best for you/your family?
If so ..
Have you sat down with DH and told him that you getting a job would entail him makingvthe following adjustments to his working pattern: needing to do half of pickups and drop offs. Half the sick days. Half the school related stuff. X amount more housework (so it’s half and half.) x amount of holiday cover.

If he’s up for that then perhaps you could. If he isn’t then he can’t have it both ways. We both work and have both had to make career sacrifices. He either has a sahm and is free to work all those hours or he accepts that his ability to be facilitated at work is curtailed.

From that make the choice that’s right for you. Do NOT end up working AND doing all the childcare/housework/shitwork. If you both work, you share it.

Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 16/07/2018 21:14

I'm not sure. I worry it might make it worse (had to leave teaching due to it). Yes I get the money from the ESA and PIP, you can do a bit of permitted work on that up to 16 hrs but in practice they'd cut it like that. So would have to do a fair bit of minimum wage type job to have the same I think.

We have a lady for PIP coming next week to review it so will see how that goes as he will be there. See how supportive he is. and if he realises more.

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Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 16/07/2018 21:15

That's what I think would happen Babbel, it would be something I'd have to fit in and do everything around.

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Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 16/07/2018 21:16

He does worry about money but fails to recognise we might well be worse off losing the benefits. But he hates us getting them anyway

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Deadringer · 16/07/2018 21:18

Ask him how he would feel about swapping places with you, that might shut him up.

redshoeblueshoe · 16/07/2018 21:21

Where I live there's a lot of demand for tutoring (due to grammar schools) could something like that be any good. Sorry if its not, its just a suggestion Flowers

Bowlofbabelfish · 16/07/2018 21:22

Your position then is yes you can work, and this will be the impact on him. Spell it out. The pickups. The sick days. The restrictions in work hours.

Both working and both sharing the rest is fine
One working one picking up all the household stuff is fine
Both working and you doing a second shift in the home while he continues unchanged is not fine.

Rocinante1 · 16/07/2018 21:31

@LovelyBath77

You really need to have the conversation that bowlofbabelfish has outlined. Or write it out and show him; ask him to go through it and outline what he proposes to do to facilitate you working. That's your first step to either get him to stop going on at you, or to get commitment from him that he will take over 50% of parenting and home responaibilites.

You will know where you stand with him after that conversation and be better able to speak back to him when he makes flippant remarks.

Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 16/07/2018 21:36

I know. I did mention things like that before and he said I was thinking of reasons not to or that could get something that fits in with the school...not that easy is it.

Another thing, the PIP and ESA is not means tested but NI cont based, (ESA) neither is means tested, which means it is totally separate from his or the family income. He seems to not like this, me having 'all this money' - oh that sounds a bit abusive with money, it's not, I use it myself and for family stuff but he seems to resent that I get it and he has to work!

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unweavedrainbow · 16/07/2018 21:38

I would gently suggest that if you get PIP (and keep getting PIP) for mental illness alone that you're likely not in a fit state to work. Other people might not realise that, while PIP is an in work benefit, in reality, the criteria for getting it for mh problems are so steep that only the most severely ill get it. You are probably feeling more stable as the pressure of work is gone and I am a bit worried that you would start to spiral again if you go back to work. Don't let him pressure you, especially if you yourself think it'll make you worse. Do you have a CPN/support worker to talk to about this?

Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 16/07/2018 21:44

I have this phone line with CPNs to call (but I don't) but am discharged from the recovery team now.

Yes could maybe show him my ESA report, maybe would make him realise.

I do have a vague plan which is that my next review for that is in 2 years, so if did go OK could maybe try then as the DC will both be in secondary then so less need for pick ups etc. he has to do that kind of thing anyway if driving as not able to with meds etc.

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Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 16/07/2018 21:47

The ESA (support group) report says about severe MH illness and work unlikely in the long term. Recommends no date to reassess. (but DWP have decided 3 years- 2 now from the date)

I suppose PIP lady is coming for a home visit so will see how that goes and if they allow it again. As mentioned they are very strict and as now discharged they may kick me off. However might be better appealing rather than looking for work. We'll see.

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Arum51 · 16/07/2018 21:48

Jesus, are you out of your mind? You want this man there during your PIP reassessment? You are going to lose that benefit. You will then lose the top-up of your ESA, and your Council Tax benefit.

You are clear he has no clue what this is like for you. The working memory deficit. The sequencing difficulties. The mobility issues. He will lose you this benefit, and you will then be totally financially dependent on a man who thinks you should just pull your socks up.

Do you have a support worker? Someone from your mh team to be there? Who has helped you fill in the form? Change the time so he can't be there. This is going to be a disaster for you.

Wildernessie · 16/07/2018 21:51

OMFG -yep had these comments from minute i stopped work til when i went back -dressed up as"jokes" and (passive-agressive)banter..from a guy working nights in hospitality and expecting me&newborn to tiptoe&eggshell around til midday. Some guys are just absolutely clueless as to the day-to-day realities of SAHP &whatever you say it'll be that"well i go out to work"ChestnutHmmCan be mind-numbing&isolating and the way i saw it-it enabled ex DP to have his pick of work shifts(he was stashing money on side unbeknowst to me as we didnt share accounts)footie/training&pub sesh whenever plus literally just seeing DC when all "clean&shiny"-coz christ knows there was no tempting him into a shitty nappy/house-work or choresharing.My exDP never"got it" so i happily gave him the boot before DC was 18mths.Never looked back or been happier.

unweavedrainbow · 16/07/2018 21:55

@LovelyBath77 the thing is, even the fact that you're having a home assessment rather than being seen at a centre shows that even the DWP thinks you're severely ill. I really would suggest that working is a bit of a no go right now-and the ESA report underscores that.

Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 16/07/2018 21:57

Well, he was there last time and it went OK. Mind you he left them with me.

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Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 16/07/2018 22:00

I think it will be Ok. He has been to the mental health meetings etc so does know some of it. He gets very frightened by it and think some of this might be a kind of denial.

If I'm working, I'm 'well' perhaps. Not sure. I can't imagine they'd make someone work on antispychotics and antidepressants and the like bit you never know.

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gorgeoushazydaysofsummer · 16/07/2018 22:06

It sounds like he’s feeling frightened and out of control and resentful and powerless, and this is resulting in a big mess of emotions. Has he talked to anyone about your illness and diagnosis?

Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 16/07/2018 22:11

No, not really, they asked, the care co-ordinator form the MH team. But he said he was OK.

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Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 16/07/2018 22:12

He said it was surprising they were asking him when they had ill people to support. he's named in my care plan also.

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Thesearepearls · 16/07/2018 22:13

There are two issues here that are being conflated

  1. SAHPing is not a right. It’s something to be agreed upon by both parents and if one party feels aggrieved at having to do the earning then that’s a pretty sure sign that the arrangement is not functioning and it’s time to go back to work!
  1. Mental illness and incapacity to work. That’s a whole different ball game. If you are ill to the extent that you cannot conceivably work (ever?) then you should not be pressured into doing so.

I’m not sure where you are OP. You’re suggesting you’re in (2) but your DH’s response is suggesting you’re in (1).

If you’re in (2) i think your DH needs to know what the treatment plan is. Will you never be able to work? Is there no possible treatment?

LonelyGir1 · 16/07/2018 22:14

It doesn't sound like you want to work. What's your preferred/ ultimate ideal situation here?