DH comments about 'not working'

[LovelyBath77]

I'm a SAHM for two school age children and I also have mental health illness. Since they've been at school I have been getting remarks from DH about 'not working' and as if he is hard done to bacause he's 'at work' and the like.

I'm on meds and claiming PIP and cont based ESA (from last job) but he doesn't seem to understand and i think it makes me feel worse- I'd like to work, i'm well trained (to postgraduate level).

I also feel I do work, it isn't easy having MH issues and being on meds with side effects and just managing day to day with the children etc.

He doesn't seem to consider the benefits to be being at home, and that things could get a lot worse if I did work and try to balance everything, or the logistics involved (holidays etc). He's self employed and works all hours.

Seems to be a bit of a type A personality, always on about doing things and not just being. I'm not really like that. I think he feels being home is making me worse. It's not that simple though

thesearepearls gave really good advice upthread, as follows - I agree with all of this

There are two issues here that are being conflated

1. SAHPing is not a right. It’s something to be agreed upon by both parents and if one party feels aggrieved at having to do the earning then that’s a pretty sure sign that the arrangement is not functioning and it’s time to go back to work!

1. Mental illness and incapacity to work. That’s a whole different ball game. If you are ill to the extent that you cannot conceivably work (ever?) then you should not be pressured into doing so.

Well, as in the past if I went back and ended up worse again and DH had to stop work to look after the children again, that wouldn't exactly help anything would it.

Think people maybe don;t have an understanding of mental illness sometimes.

I am a benefits advisor and I can tell you that PIP assessors only do home visits in the tiny minority of cases.
Also the criteria to get into the support group of ESA is set very high, particularly for mental health descriptors, basically the DWP DECISION is that it would be dangerous to your health to work.
Ultimately it's your choice whether or not to return to work but please DO NOT do so under duress

It's not just about me but about the whole family

They actually have down mine on paper in the past as said the last home visit had caused stress and made things worse. Apart from that yes a home visit.

done, sorry. the GP did this special form for them called an ESA113 which id something they send them to stop them having to do a visit.

That's true. I think you hit the nail on the head further up thread, that your DH would perceive you as "well" if you work, and that there's an element of denial on his part.

I think he might be more understanding as he said about the PIP and it being helpful - I know he sees the assessment being stressful for me and think he doesn't want me to go through that as well. Not simple. PIP itself can make things worse.

Someone said about marriage being a team thing and yes that is true and it is also in sickness and it health. Illness isn't a choice. which is how it seems to be seen sometimes.

Also PIP know I try and swim and go to the gym, the shops. it's all in my care plan. That doesn't mean your fine.

I suffer with depression some days I just about function but with bills to pay and being a lone parent I have no choice but to work.
I often find going into work helps it keeps up your interaction with the outside world.
What I meant is if your husband got sick and stopped working would you be ok with this?
The stress of working all hours can cause health problems in itself.

From what you've said op, it sounds like you might not be upto taking on a job? Your dp doesn't sound very supportive. I am in a similar situation to you, three dc, one at school, one about to start school and a baby, and I have anxiety /depression but I am not medicated. I have had similar comments from my dh and its hurtful more than anything because some days I feel I've only just scraped through the day by the skin of my teeth, I don't get a full night's sleep as the baby is a terrible sleeper, and I don't get any help with the dc or around the house or garden whatsoever. It's overwhelming to be honest. Having to work as well would be detrimental to my mh, it would be added pressure for me. On the whole my dh appreciates what I do, but the days he doesn't break my heart. I suggest you sit down with your dp and tell him how you feel, he needs to understand how you feel.

I did mention things like that before and he said I was thinking of reasons not to or that could get something that fits in with the school...not that easy is it.

When people say things like this you need to be really blunt. You call them out:

‘I’m hearing that you want me to work, and still do all the household stuff. That’s two jobs. That’s not acceptable. Right now you can do the hours you do because you have me holding the fort at home- do you acknowledge that? If I’m able to work, I will be working and I will not be doing all the stuff I have before. YOU WILL need to do x y and z. We WILL need to go half and half on domestic chores, childcare and the emotional load.’

Any ‘fit job around school’ nonsense he needs to be told in no uncertain terms that you will be WORKING, and doing half he domestic load. NOT working and all the domestic load.

I understand why it’s often a great idea to have both partners working but working plus housework/domestic load plus mental ill health is going to be extremely taxing on you.

user actually in that situation it might be better overall if I wasn't working as he could claim carer's in that situation or PIP himself.

Exactly Bowl.

And there is no need for him to work all these hours really. It is because he is self employed. We have a very small mortgage that will soon be paid off. It more a workaholic thing, he has always been like that from before children.

If your DH is self employed, and as you describe "working all hours" is there anything you could do that could assist him?
Obviously I don't know what he does, but could you help with invoicing or do his books?
This way he wouldn't feel like he was doing all the "work" and you were doing "nothing"

Bobster yes, I understand what you mean. I will try and speak to him. User I also get what you mean about it being helpful for mental health too. It's a tricky thing overall.

Breakfast, yes he has suggested that - I made a bit of a mess of it the time I tried and he uses an online programme now. But he does say that helps. Sometimes, he finds it hard to say no to people and takes on too much work. which causes us all stress.

No way would I agree to go back to work in your position OP. As long as you are bringing money into the household via your benefits you are doing your share.
Going back to work when you are not fully recovered and you risk losing your improved mental health so far, and losing your benefits. You could easily end up unable to work but having to reapply for benefits, a lengthy and uncertain process as I'm sure you know.
I'm not saying that couldn't change if you do recover to the point where you can be certain you are in good health and not at all likely to relapse. But it sounds like you are not there yet.

It sounds like he is resentful of your circumstances, receiving money whilst being at home while he's out working all day.

I'm currently having similar discussions with my DH at the moment. Our circumstances are totally different to yours, but I want to go back to full time work for my own benefit. I don't think DH quite realises or accepts just how much I do at home each day and how much change it will mean for him to do half the school runs, half the house work, half the holidays and sick days. I'm afraid of going back to work and doing it all. You need to be talking about this. We had a massive talk about this at the weekend and I laid my cards on the table of what I expected. He's basically said he would prefer if I stayed part time cos it makes his life easier. But he understands how important it can I'm happy so will go along with whatever I decide.

Yes good point, it would be harder to start again. as they keep the stuff from before. and when they review you they have that and if starting again might not. I think it is better money wise to claim them that working a part time low paid job.

Maybe I can explain I can work part time but it would mean he would need to do drop off and pick up some days, it would mean I could transfer less money and also could mean health gets worse, but if he still thinks we should go for it I will. So he realises the situation.

I can't do supply teaching which would be well paid despite being qualified, due to the MH and fitness to teach. Would need to be some minimum wage thing.

Can’t add much to the discussion op, but just wanted to share my sympathy.

The passive aggressive jokes do not help, I think mentally well people don’t understand the devistating effect of small comments like this when you’re in a state.

I don’t think your dh understands the effect of his words and is probably just having a little whinge. I would try and be diplomatic and explain how frustrating it is for you to not be well, and how much you would like to be back to normal again.

Explain that more activities/hobbies will help you get well and ready to be back to work.

take care of yourself op.

Yes, it's scary Fatted, and then all that with the feeling it could get worse again too. It's called recurrent psychotic depression, and is stress related.

Worst thing could be end up leaving job, no benefits, then he'd have to work even more hours and not sure how we would cope. But then maybe I'm 'catastrophising' as CBT would say. Possibly not.

Fair enough if no children to support, but they need to be my priority. I grew up with a mum who also had severe MH illness and was sectioned and in and out of hospital and I'm not putting them through that is possible.

I have mental health issues - it helps me to have a job that FORCES me to get out of the house as I wouldn't if I didn't have to.

Maybe just 2-3 hours a week would be a good start?

You need to really sit him down and explain it all to him, people who don't have mental health issues tend to struggle to understand.

Hi Blue, I have this care plan which was done when I asked to be discharged from recovery - as part of this I have a gym pass and swim and do a class there which gets me out some mornings. I even use it to get up and showered there. But yes see what you mean, it may be a possibility.