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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH comments about 'not working'

154 replies

LovelyBath77 · 16/07/2018 20:50

I'm a SAHM for two school age children and I also have mental health illness. Since they've been at school I have been getting remarks from DH about 'not working' and as if he is hard done to bacause he's 'at work' and the like.

I'm on meds and claiming PIP and cont based ESA (from last job) but he doesn't seem to understand and i think it makes me feel worse- I'd like to work, i'm well trained (to postgraduate level).

I also feel I do work, it isn't easy having MH issues and being on meds with side effects and just managing day to day with the children etc.

He doesn't seem to consider the benefits to be being at home, and that things could get a lot worse if I did work and try to balance everything, or the logistics involved (holidays etc). He's self employed and works all hours.

Seems to be a bit of a type A personality, always on about doing things and not just being. I'm not really like that. I think he feels being home is making me worse. It's not that simple though

OP posts:

BlueTears · 17/07/2018 09:59

That sounds great!
I stopped going to the gym and pretty much all social things when I was at my worst so having to go to work was important for me but it sounds like your not at that place.

Definitely have a proper and serious conversation with your partner though, don't be afraid to explain exactly how you feel.

Original poster

LovelyBath77 · 17/07/2018 10:01

Yes- I think he feels i'm sort of swanning about at the gym, while he's at work but it's not really like that. It's the holidays now and worried things might get worse as not able to have the same routine. But it;s not long till back and school and can get back to it again. it does help.

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Bumpitybumper · 17/07/2018 10:13

It sounds to me like your DH is dissatisfied with the current arrangement and is keen that you go back to work. Reading between the lines it seems that he is becoming frustrated that you are being held back by your MH issues and thinks it's unfair that he has to go out to work whilst you get money without having to get a job. It also sounds like your MH issues are long term/permanent and that attempting to get a job that contributes the same financially as your current benefits could endanger your recovery which would have terrible repercussions for the family.

Honestly I think in your situation it would be a bad idea to go back to work just to appease your DH. It just doesn't make much sense as there don't seems to be many advantages and it could cause a whole lot of stress that may trigger your MH issues. The fact your DH is so keen on the idea would make me think that he isn't viewing the situation logically but instead has associated the idea of you going back to work with the concept of you being well and being able to function and contribute as well as someone who doesn't have your MH issues. Could it be that he has got a bit of *carer's fatigue" where he has become tired of feeling like he responsible for sustaining you/the entire family? I think this can be quite common where chronic illnesses exist but it shouldn't be a driver to do something that could actually make the whole situation a lot worse.

trinity0097 · 17/07/2018 10:16

What did you teach? Could you do a bit of tutoring?

Northernparent68 · 17/07/2018 10:19

These are pearls is right, if you can work of course your husband is resentful of you not working when you have school age children

Original poster

LovelyBath77 · 17/07/2018 10:27

I used to teach primary school age. I had to leave it due to MH before having children. I think if I did something it would be something physical like being a post woman (but can't drive) something mindless and low stress. like stacking shelves.

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Original poster

LovelyBath77 · 17/07/2018 10:29

Bumpity yes that just about sums it up. In fact he has said stuff about not wanting to be a carer etc. It's like it reminds him I'm not Ok if not working and he also thinks spending too much time alone is not a good thing. (for me I mean) He goes on about 'being social' and that in a job I'd be social and talking to others which would be good for me, but that's all in his head and not the reality.

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Original poster

LovelyBath77 · 17/07/2018 10:31

It's like he likes the idea of it and thinks it might be therapeutic for me but hasn't thought of the reality..

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Notevilstepmother · 17/07/2018 10:34

I don’t agree at all that you should go back to work to appease your husband.

Don’t make yourself ill because he doesn’t understand

As a family you have enough money coming in, you are doing the childcare tasks and he is clearly not happy to do those becuase he’d rather be doing his very important job. He is a workaholic and he wants everyone around him to be like him. It’s a very dangerous idea.

Notevilstepmother · 17/07/2018 10:36

He isn’t a doctor and he doesn’t know what’s best for your mental health.

Can I suggest some light volunteering? You can help out with something, you need to check but it shouldn’t affect your benefits, it doesn’t matter if you can’t make it every time and you can fit it round the school. WRVS perhaps? It will get you out and being social if you want to.

Original poster

LovelyBath77 · 17/07/2018 10:38

Good point. Yes I agree he has workaholic tendencies and wants others to be the same. He's always been like this and I don't expect him to change. He finds it difficult to see it from other's points of view and a lot of self worth is related to the job and approval etc.

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Original poster

LovelyBath77 · 17/07/2018 10:40

Thanks for the idea bout volunteering. I think what would really help would be if there isn;t this worry with permitted work on PIP / ESA. They are meant to let you do up to 16 hrs therapeutic or 'permitted' work on it. But in practice think they would just reassess you and take it all away. I think that is rubbish and unhelpful. It would be good to be able to try a few hours and would show him I was as well.

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Notevilstepmother · 17/07/2018 11:19

Just look after yourself first. You can’t look after your children if you don’t.

crazychemist · 17/07/2018 12:37

lovely, if your children are only just school age, they probably still need you to be around for pick-ups, drop-offs, after school, inevitable illness, and during the school holidays. Your contribution to them is a valuable one. Of course, a childminder could do that if you were working, but that has an associated cost, so what you are doing provides care that is guaranteed to have continuity and saves your family money. Does your DH see that, or does he only see the drain on resources? Have you worked out how much a childminder would cost for that childcare? Maybe show him how much of a difference it makes. Also, if you are doing more than half the housework, he would have to do an equal amount if you were working. Perhaps you could ask him to make a list of what he would feel capable of doing on top of his current work load?

Loopytiles · 17/07/2018 12:43

Agree with thesearepearls.

In general being a SAHM needs both partners to be fully “on board”, and this may change at any time, necessitating a return to work. Hs need to recognise that the longer the time out of paid work the harder getting work is, and that they should make changes in their working and home lives to enable a return to work, eg sharing parenting and domestic work.

A serious health issue is a different ballgame.

LadysFingers · 17/07/2018 13:12

TBH, as the parent of a DD with severe MH problems (who was turned down for PIP), DH should look at it as the glass half full rather than half empty!

OP does not say the nature of her MH problems, but suppose she put herself under too much stress, by working; and she ended up with a full blown psychotic or manic episode, then DH could be working and doing the childcare and the housework, not to mention caring for OP! I don’t understand why he is rocking the boat, when she is getting benefits anyway?

Original poster

LovelyBath77 · 17/07/2018 14:16

Hi ladys, it is called recurrent psychotic depression.

I have a plan I think- the CBT lady says "you can't change what happens to you, you can just try and change how you respond to things' so what I think is to try and think how to deal with it all. And that might be to show him the ESA report which says about the not being able to work and being in the support group etc and say that is how it is for now but we will see what they say next time they look at it. That's in 3 years from January and the children will both me in secondary school by then. We'll also have paid of the mortgage so things will be slightly easier in general perhaps. and just go from there. So if I did then take on some work and it got difficult it would be easier to cut back and change, not as much pressure. could even maybe save a little first.

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Original poster

LovelyBath77 · 17/07/2018 14:17

Also they could go back and from school themselves etc so less stress about pick ups etc.

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Original poster

LovelyBath77 · 17/07/2018 14:18

Ladies yes i know and that has happened in the past! I don;t think he understands though work might make it worse perhaps. think he thinks work will help it or something.

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thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 17/07/2018 14:19

I don't know..I can see his point of view. I would love not to work and would probably feel very resentful of my partner if he didn't. It isn't very even.

Bumpitybumper · 17/07/2018 14:26

@thatmustbenigelwiththebrie
Maybe he (and you) would love not to work but I don't see how that translates to jealousy of the fact that OP CAN'T work without risking her MH. I mean as much as working is rubbish, would you seriously trade in your preusmably reasonable MH for OP's? I certainly wouldn't and I really respect people that battle these conditions.

Would you be asking a partner with a severe physical disability or condition to get a job just to make you feel better about that fact you have to work?

Original poster

LovelyBath77 · 17/07/2018 14:27

he could cut down his work if he wanted to though and spend more time at home - it's up to him

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Original poster

LovelyBath77 · 17/07/2018 14:28

I would love TO work without the fear of what might happen

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theredjellybean · 17/07/2018 14:47

Does you oh really feel he could cut back? When you're the sole earner and self employed as well it can feel very lonely and over whelming to be the one responsible for providing for the family.
I worked in that situation, often 7 days a week... And though Could have cut back I didn't dare... I have sympathy for both of you and maybe he needs to explore why he works so many hours and how he is feeling too.

Original poster

LovelyBath77 · 17/07/2018 14:53

Well, as i mentioned I do transfer what I can (around £500 a month) towards bills etc and I also get food too...he is self employed and has recently taken on a lot of things like a premises and extra work to pay for that. so even if it doesn't end up earning lots it is expensive but it is what he has chosen and I try to be supportive. As that covers out small mortgage he is then only having to think of the business costs at present

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