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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH comments about 'not working'

154 replies

LovelyBath77 · 16/07/2018 20:50

I'm a SAHM for two school age children and I also have mental health illness. Since they've been at school I have been getting remarks from DH about 'not working' and as if he is hard done to bacause he's 'at work' and the like.

I'm on meds and claiming PIP and cont based ESA (from last job) but he doesn't seem to understand and i think it makes me feel worse- I'd like to work, i'm well trained (to postgraduate level).

I also feel I do work, it isn't easy having MH issues and being on meds with side effects and just managing day to day with the children etc.

He doesn't seem to consider the benefits to be being at home, and that things could get a lot worse if I did work and try to balance everything, or the logistics involved (holidays etc). He's self employed and works all hours.

Seems to be a bit of a type A personality, always on about doing things and not just being. I'm not really like that. I think he feels being home is making me worse. It's not that simple though

OP posts:
Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 17/07/2018 14:54

So it must surely be helpful knowing the mortgage and food costs are covered would have thought

OP posts:
Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 17/07/2018 14:56

Also he's a workaholic, it's what they do.

OP posts:
ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 17/07/2018 15:12

I left my job 3 years ago because mentally I wasn't coping. I tried going back to work before I was ready and pretty much had a breakdown. Luckily DH was (and is) completely supportive despite him having a stressful job and long commute. He says if I am happy/mentally well then he is happier too. I'm a mature student now which I can cope with much better.

OP I am sorry your H is projecting his wants and needs onto you without any thought as to how that will manifest itself back in the real world. Don't make yourself ill/mess up your benefits just to try and prove him wrong.

Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 17/07/2018 16:28

Thanks Acats,

Yes it tends to happen when he's tired or had a drink I notice (the comments) he's Ok normally. As you say its maybe a kind of projection of his own feeling more than anything.

Maybe he can cut down a bit with time when he has sorted out his expenses etc and with the mortgage being paid off soon that might help reassure him things are OK etc so he might calm down a bit.

OP posts:
NeatFreakMama · 17/07/2018 16:35

I agree with what Thesearepearls is saying but also add that if you are unable to work at all then it sounds like your DH might not understand or believe that?

Or could it be simply that he's busy and it was an offhand comment because he's feeling hard done by. It's not fair but everyone is entitled to moments of being human, perhaps chat to him and find out?

MrsRubyMonday · 17/07/2018 16:51

Hi, I work full time, and I receive PIP for mental health and chronic pain. I would say you shouldn't force yourself to work if you're not ready, it will only cause you to relapse, but if you are ready, some advice:

Don't automatically assume that just because you pick up a few hours, they will cut your benefits. PIP is an in work benefit and you are entitled to work and claim. ESA is a top up specifically meant for people like you who wouldn't manage a full time job.

The best advice I had when I did my review and they asked about work, was to explain the accommodations that work have in place, and how this helps me work with my disability. For example, I can't type or write, but I have voice software if I need to do a report. I would not be able to work in a standard office which required a lot of typing. The main issue is that you don't want to say in your home assessment that you can't do something, but then contradict that with something you do in work. For example, I struggle with carrying any weight, so can't pour drinks for myself. They asked how I carried my bags and stuff into work. I explained my wife works in the same building and walks me to my desk in the morning, and my team help during the day if I need it. It's the same idea as them asking questions about pets, trying to prove that someone who says they can't move walks their dog twice a day. Plan out what you need to say beforehand and you'll be fine. If they ask a question you're not prepared for, take a minute to think about what they are really asking, and what you've already told them. They will wait for you to think about it.

You would need to show that you can work your shift, but you would be unable to do any more. Asking your GP to write a letter supporting you working part time may help. I recommend reading the criteria online and considering what sort of role would be best. If you're off with mental health, a part time high stress job in a call centre would be harder to explain than a part time job making coffee or stacking shelves, for example.

Arum51 · 17/07/2018 18:28

The (awful) thing about PIP is how it's so down to the assessor, and how much they know about/how prejudiced they are against mental illness. My PIP assessment was completely different from my daughter's, and we have the same diagnosis, and very similar symptoms. Also, I went with my support worker (ie a professional with experience of assessments) and she went with her partner (a person who didn't really understand what was going on, and had no "official" status). Very different outcomes.

At least you won't get the accusatory "Well how did you get here?" question Grin

HelenaDove · 17/07/2018 21:04

Lovely Bath Some MNers are very hot on the forsaking all others part of the vows.

Not so hot on the in sickness and in health bit.

Its very sad that you feel that you are having to prove to your DH how ill you are.

Maybe hes in the wrong job!

Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 20/07/2018 09:47

Just wanted to come back and say thank you to all who posted helpful stuff on this and to update - I had a chat with my DH and it turns out he was being influenced by some bloke at work. It had started with some comment about cooking and this bloke had been 'shocked' and 'horrified' that I often don't cook in the evenings and poor DH had to cook himself 'after a 12 hour day' (I do try actually but there we go, it might be something like cold quiche / fish / salad and rice type thing from the fridge) Anyway, this led to a conversation with the gut going on about what his wife did (worked and always cooked apparently) and something along the lines of "she's taking the piss' (about me!) and DH didn't mention the MH bit.

So, we had a chat and I said you know if I trends to work I could get into trouble with the ESA as they say I can't atm and it would basically be fraud, and that yes if things go OK and they say differently in future of course I will do my best to help look for a job. (and then it came out about the bloke and about how lots of families have two parents in work etc)

It was lucky we talked otherwise if I had just taken what he said seriously, rang and stopped the ESA / PIP and taken on some job we could have ended up worse off and possibly in a difficult situation. and now we have a plan going forward.

OP posts:
Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 20/07/2018 09:48

guy, not 'gut', sorry

OP posts:
UpstartCrow · 20/07/2018 09:55

Its sad when one partner is so easily influenced against the other by someone they hardly know.

Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 20/07/2018 10:14

I know! At least we had the chat and got it out in the open. And agreed our situation is different

OP posts:
Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 22/07/2018 19:49

Argh. He's still going on about it, usually after a drink. This evening- how unfair it is he has to go to work tomorrow while I'm home with the children (while I'm stressing about coping with them) and it is 'his turn now'...I'm ignoring for now but think this will eat away at us.

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 22/07/2018 20:08

when i said maybe hes in the wrong job i meant that he should probably be one of the disability assessors. Because he sounds perfect for it.

he also sounds like a sexist twonk if hes willing to listen to fellow colleugue penis owner before he listens to his wife.

OP i would be making plans to leave if i were you.

When i got together with DH i knew he had health problems and that i would likely be the main breadwinner. I didnt carry on in the same way as your DH though In fact a colleugue of mine once hinted that my DH was a malinger. She got short shrift.

She was the type of person who believed it unqustioningly when a collugues child was sick but not their spouse. So i sarcastically asked her at exactly what age did genuine illness end and malingering begin.

This is the attitude your DH should have instead of treating you like this.

i now no longer work and am DHS full time carer. He had a heart attack in 2006 which left him with ischemic heart disease and 4 years ago he was diagnosed with emphysema.

You cannot live like this and if he no longer wishes to keep his wedding vows then you may have to look at seperation. So may also have to discuss weekends and contact times for the children.

HelenaDove · 22/07/2018 20:10

And DH is now past retirement age..............hes 68.

HelenaDove · 22/07/2018 20:21

If he wants his turn let him have it!

theredjellybean · 22/07/2018 22:43

OP... He is allowed to find the thought of work on Monday depressing
He might well like to not go and he'd properly love the chance to stsy home with the kids.. Just as you'd probably love not to be unwell and be able to get up tomorrow and go off to work leaving him with the kids...

Try not to take it personally, most of us feel at times we have got the short straw.

Have you talked about how he feels? There has been lots of support on here for you but maybe he needs some too. Is he really knackered and needs to consider working less? Could you afford it? Could he take some leave? He sounds burnt out

HelenaDove · 22/07/2018 23:13

He is allowed to find the thought of Monday depressing.

But he shouldnt be making passive aggressive digs at the OP while on the piss.

Its almost as if hes looking for an excuse to bail................

HelenaDove · 22/07/2018 23:51

jelly they have talked OP said so on Friday 20th at 10.14

then her DH started drinking tonight and got passive aggressive about it.

Is the OP supposed to wait for him to be sober ,have the talk again then he drinks again ,makes digs again because i can see this going round in circles.

cherish123 · 23/07/2018 00:03

Normally- I would agree with him. Your children are at school so you are not technically a SAHP. (I know it can be difficult to find work during school hours) However, because of your MH issues, you need to make this a priority- even if you need to work for financial reasons. Maybe when your MH is on an even keel you could do a small/part-time/unstressful job.

Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 23/07/2018 07:17

Thanks for the replies. He seems to do this after a drink on Sunday. If it was the situation that he was working a full time job getting lots of pay for a big mortgage etc and under stress I would understand more, but it's not like that. It's more like he has taken on lots as in self employment and a premises and a new hobby which costs a lot- as I mentioned we have a small mortgage which I'm basically covering so it's not like he is covering the house and home costs. He's very well qualified and made redundant a few years ago and think it stems from that really. but then kind of takes it out on me. I'm just ignoring it for now but yes will be looking into my rights in case we do split up.

OP posts:
Melliegrantfirstlady · 23/07/2018 07:31

Op

Please please do not compromise your recovery for anyone. If you haven’t got your health you really don’t have anything.

I’m shocked that you cover the mortgage and then some. He gives you nothing?

Running a home and managing children is no walk in the park.

I feel furious in your behalf! Just because you stay at home it also shouldn’t mean that you have to do absolutely everything!

I would tell him in no uncertain terms that your health comes first, you want a few years of stability behind you and when and only when you feel ready will you return to work. Tell him if he does not like your plan then that is his problem. Tell him not to make his problems your problem!

I bet he has lots of cash squirrelled away too!

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 23/07/2018 08:01

If the OP is getting benefits then her husband isn't supporting a sahp and children all by himself - she is paying her way (and probably contributing more financially than she would be able to doing a min wage job pt). Therefore it's none of his business whether she works or not and actually he is currently benefitting by having complete freedom at work and little home responsibility.

OP says he is a workaholic and they have a small mortgage do he doesn't need to work all hours. His choice to do so, doesn't mean OP should too or that he gets to decide for her. He sounds like a bully!

And yy, his idea of you working around the school hours is very telling - he has no intention of changing his life at all.

I know nothing about mental illness, but with the way the govt are cutting everything and forcing disabled and terminally ill people back to work, if they have agreed to your benefits it indicates to me that you are really very unwell and should not even consider working.

If he was my h I'd tell him to butt out - he clearly knows fuck all about you and seems to care even less. He is adding to your stress.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 23/07/2018 08:06

I think I'd ltb. He is sounding abusive to me. You need to start looking at where all his money is going. He might not like benefits but he's not above spending yours!
I agree with pp that I bet he has a fair bit stashed away.
Have you worked out your outgoings and compared it to what you are both bringing in? Mind you are not covering more than 50%

BurpeesAreTheWorkOfTheDevil · 23/07/2018 08:06

Pip don't do home visits?
Who the hell was that woman that came to assess my son then? 😳😳