DH comments about 'not working'

[LovelyBath77]

I'm a SAHM for two school age children and I also have mental health illness. Since they've been at school I have been getting remarks from DH about 'not working' and as if he is hard done to bacause he's 'at work' and the like.

I'm on meds and claiming PIP and cont based ESA (from last job) but he doesn't seem to understand and i think it makes me feel worse- I'd like to work, i'm well trained (to postgraduate level).

I also feel I do work, it isn't easy having MH issues and being on meds with side effects and just managing day to day with the children etc.

He doesn't seem to consider the benefits to be being at home, and that things could get a lot worse if I did work and try to balance everything, or the logistics involved (holidays etc). He's self employed and works all hours.

Seems to be a bit of a type A personality, always on about doing things and not just being. I'm not really like that. I think he feels being home is making me worse. It's not that simple though

OP when you talked did you manage to discuss why he feels that he had to take on all the extra work?
I am not saying that your health is not a priority but that can't be at the expense of his.
Your married and supposed to be a team... How he feels is as valid as how you feel, what does he say if you point out he doesn't actually have to work as hard as he does?
I say this because I was once self employed and earned significantly more than dexh and I felt I had to take on more and more work.. Don't know why? I got very resentful that dexh seemed to not notice or care that I was exhausted, struggling, hanging by my fingertips... We talked and all he said was 'well you like the money'. I felt actually that the whole family liked the money and if I stopped on this treadmill the whole thing would collapse.
And my dds would hate changes to their lifestyle etc.
Now I realise I had got caught in a financial anxiety trap and a feeling of a need to make sure everyone was 'safe', it was about tightly controlling my own sense of the world and my own mental health was off a bit.
I also made passive aggressive comments to dexh about how it must be nice to have a whole weekend off and how I'd love that too...

He was a dick for being so easily led by his workmate.

I have severe mental health issues - constant anxiety, instrusive thoughts, major depression, suicide attempts, was close to being sectioned and had the crisis team involved and will be on strong anti depressants for life. Some days I can barely get out of bed, I don’t shower frequently enough, I can’t always feed myself or keep on top of chores. I don’t function like a regular adult.

However, I’ve never considered not working. My medication keeps me stable enough that I can work and the interaction and reason to get out of bed every day is invaluable. I’d isolate myself completely from society otherwise (and almost did when I went self employed which I thought would help because it allowed me to be at home. It didn’t - it made me even more stressed and suicidal).

Obviously you shouldn’t go back to a job that exacerbates your issues but I really don’t believe that being out of work lng-term is beneficial for people with MH issues. Even if it’s part time or min wage I think it’s vital to retain a sense of purpose, and it’s a distraction

Why do some people who work have this attitude that being a SAHM isn't working? When the DC are on holidays I work from when DS2 gets up to when DD2 goes to bed. At the moment that's 6 - 10. On schooldays if I have to be somewhere I can be on my feet for 6 hours before 2pm, DH will come in and say I'm always lying on the bed. For 3 minutes until I have to get ready to pick them up. Then I'm on my feet apart from eating supper, until bedtime.

And dealing with DCs is doubly hard when on several meds and with a MH illness. It's very hard with the extra stress and to try and stay on the ball. I have to keep things very simple.

Mine just sees it as they are bigger now, no nappy changing and breastfeeding, more fun than his work I think.

I talked to him this morning and he has no memory of anything said yesterday due to drinking, apparently. So am taking it with a pinch of salt. Think is a handy excuse perhaps.

Johnny that's what my DH thinks, that the social interaction might be good for me, but it actually makes me worse. I guess we are all different. I really need alone time to function.

Red jellybean yes he did say because he has taken on this new hobby that he now needs to pay for and it is causing him stress. That is why he is working so much.

if you're getting PIP and ESA that is a substantial amount coming in each month so I'm not sure what he's complaining about. If you are not fit to work then you can't.

I know it is more than I would get working I think.

The ESA is cont based so separate from income and they aren't due to reassess it for nearly 3 years by which time the mortgage will be paid off. So that in itself is a helpful thing I would have thought. If he wants to take on expensive hobbies that is his responsibility, not mine.

Oh, forgot it also means an extra premium with tax credits too so yes it makes a difference.

OP...how are your MH issues now?

I have severe mental health issues and am on anti-psychotics and anti-depressants and I work full time in a senior role.

I'm not saying that you should be, that comment is specifically in reply to where you say you can't imagine they'd make someone work who is on those meds. They definitely would, and a lot of people on those meds do work.

It's more about how your mental health is day-to-day at this point...mine is reasonably okay on my meds. I have maybe two or three periods of depression a year that are debilitating (can't function, get dressed, etc) but on my meds they only last for perhaps a few days or a week.

How is your MH now?

I alos have a long term physical condition so it is quite variable and often related to how that is. So quite complex really. I'm also on morphine type painkillers and this is tricky as also with the MH meds. So it isn't simple.

The person who said I might need to think about leaving- I don't think that is right as I'd have rights to stay in the family home?

It's good to hear yours is quite manageable Umpteen.

It's clear you feel you're right so the choice your dh has is to put up or leave.

It seems weird that he is saying "I wish I didnt have to go to work" while at the same time taking on loads of voluntary work.
Next time he says that (sunday night from the sounds of it), why not say "well you are doing loads more hours than you need to, why not cut back a bit if its upsetting you this much?"

The person who said I might need to think about leaving- I don't think that is right as I'd have rights to stay in the family home?

I think they meant leaving the relationship, not the physical home. If you are looking after the kids then yes I would think you have a right to stay in the family home.

The more you say about him the more abusive he sounds. There is nothing stopping him cutting down his hours and doing more with the DC's. He chooses not to, and to take it out on you.

How come you are covering the bills and mortgage...just where does his money go ?

Ah the old, get a job that fits in with school, which translates into I am not going to change anything I do with regard to housework and childcare. That is still firmly your responsibility but if you can just be seen to be doing something rather than being at home, that would be great.
^^this
My dh did nothing to do with running the household or looking after kids.
He advanced his career which he really enjoyed.
He worked really hard and I get that at times he felt resentful like he was missing out/hard done by because he was the only one with a paying job.
It took a good while for him to accept that if I didn't do all the jobs I did we'd have to pay someone to do my share and his share (of childcare, gardening, diy, cleaning.) while I did a job that pays. I don't think my earnings would have covered it!
I agree doing volunteering is good. It's very rewarding.

Don’t get me wrong I find it incredibly difficult sometimes and I do have to take occasional sick days because of it. I would no doubt find life easier if I didn’t have to work, pressurised and stressful situations in the workplace contribute to my anxiety. But I’m of the view that if I’m even semi-capable of working, I should, and in the long run I’ll be able to look back and see what I achieved

In the past, my work actually led to a breakdown and psychosis and I get psychotic episodes from stress which is probably why they have signed me off. i understand what you mean but paid work isn;t the only way of having purpose / worth

It seems weird that he is saying "I wish I didnt have to go to work" while at the same time taking on loads of voluntary work.

Big difference between putting in the hours at a job you don’t enjoy versus spending a few hours per week doing work that is rewarding and interesting and enjoyable :) I’ve had many a time where I’ve hated my paid job and yet taken on extra voluntary work because it was the role I hated, not working itself.

OP I too feel you ought to start thinking about returning to work, but it seems you’ve made your mind up about not doing so? Plenty of people do work on antidepressants/anti psychotics/opiate based pain relief, I’m not saying that to suggest you should be able to but to challenge your idea that being on these meds means someone likely can’t or doesn’t work.

Are you planning to stay off work for good? Or would you like to get back to work at some point? If so, when do you see that happening? When you feel your health has reached a certain point, or at some arbitrary point in time?

OP I too feel you ought to start thinking about returning to work, but it seems you’ve made your mind up about not doing so?

You aren't the OP, you don't know her IRL, you aren't her doctor, you aren't her DWP caseworker, but you think it's appropriate to tell her you think she should start thinking about returning to work? Crikey.

My work also led to a breakdown and stays for several months in a psychiatric hospital (twice).

Not all paid jobs are the same levels of stress though. Not even at a senior level. And it doesn't necessarily mean having a minimum wage role, there's tonnes of things you could do.

It's just my personal opinion but I wouldn't be happy with my partner staying at home full time after the DC had gone back to school unless they really weren't capable of it.

At the moment yours seems to be more of a fear that working could bring on ill health again (which I totally understand, I've been there)...if DH didn't exist would you be working?

You aren't the OP, you don't know her IRL, you aren't her doctor, you aren't her DWP caseworker, but you think it's appropriate to tell her you think she should start thinking about returning to work?

Erm, yes. Read back a few pages. OP is clearly wrestling with whether or not to do so at times during this thread. She acknowledged a few pages back she might be catastrophising about the worst case scenarios and allowing that to hold her back.

It’s important to challenge the stereotype that people with MH issues are incapable of work, that psychoactive medications and painkillers make it impossible to work. It’s simply not universally true, and only serves to stigmatise people with MH issues and put people off taking medication that could really help them.

The OP’s husband obviously isn’t happy with the status quo, if she continues to resist any form of work at all it’ll probably eat away at her marriage and she’ll end up having no choice but to work anyway (unless her benefits last forever and can support her independently), only she’ll be thrown into it rather than the position she’s in now where she can afford to be picky about what she does and for how many hours.

As PP have pointed out, if OP absolutely refuses to make inroads into working again (and even OP doesn’t seem to be confident about whether she’s genuinely unable or it’s the fear talking) her DH’s options are to either tolerate it or end the marriage. OP make choose to risk that and stay off work, but marriage is a partnership that goes both ways and just as her DH has rightly supported her during difficult times, she needs to support him too.

No, probably not, I'd still be in the situation I'm in now I think. Possibly even less likely working. and more stress as on my own.I understand what you are saying though, not all jobs might cause this. It is a risk and not one I'm willing to take just now. Maybe with time. I'm not sure if you have seen or read the book My Lovely Wife about the mother with bipolar, she kept relapsing due to work and her husband really wanted her to stop working but she wouldn't, and kept relapsing. I don't think that is good as puts the whole family under such strain.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/may/06/she-was-radiant-way-out-of-my-league-a-story-of-love-and-mental-illness