DH comments about 'not working'

[LovelyBath77]

I'm a SAHM for two school age children and I also have mental health illness. Since they've been at school I have been getting remarks from DH about 'not working' and as if he is hard done to bacause he's 'at work' and the like.

I'm on meds and claiming PIP and cont based ESA (from last job) but he doesn't seem to understand and i think it makes me feel worse- I'd like to work, i'm well trained (to postgraduate level).

I also feel I do work, it isn't easy having MH issues and being on meds with side effects and just managing day to day with the children etc.

He doesn't seem to consider the benefits to be being at home, and that things could get a lot worse if I did work and try to balance everything, or the logistics involved (holidays etc). He's self employed and works all hours.

Seems to be a bit of a type A personality, always on about doing things and not just being. I'm not really like that. I think he feels being home is making me worse. It's not that simple though

I'm on antipsychotics and antidepressants forever as advised by the psychiatrists - the symptoms worsen with stress.

I think if you're receiving PIP, & therefore an income & not relying souly on his wage.. it's none of his business really. Especially if he knows you WANT to work but can't.

Well, I would maybe like to try working part time, (not in teaching though) in something flexible perhaps.

Yes, it would probably mean a drop in my income to work instead of the PIp..

Also, I do share it, I transfer some to him every month to help pay bills etc. not like i just keep it.

Can you do a bit of volunteering and see how you go on? I would echo the concerned comments above

OP, maybe your dh feels stressed and anxious and worried about having to provide for the family. While I appreciate that it sounds like you have been very unwell and will need Meds forever, you do also say you have been discharged from the recovery team so it seems you arw doing well and are stable.
Did you and dh always agree you'd stay at hone and he'd work all the hours? Or did it end up this way Cus of your illness?
His mental health is important too and maybe he needs you to try stepping up a little bit now to relieve him a bit... And these threads always have people banging on about how the working partner will not like having to do school pick up etc... Well have you asked him? Maybe he'd love to be able to reduce hrs a bit to do more at home?

Plus you say you share your benefits and transfer "some" to him to help pay bills etc... Does he get to onky share some of his earnings too? Or do all his go in family pot to cover living expenses?
If I had a dp who potentially could try working but wS on benefits and onky put some of that in the pot while I worked all hours and put all my earnings in the pot I'd be feeling pretty cheesed off too.
But maybe you do share things fairly.
Also he hates the family effectively being on benefits.. Do you think this is motivating him to work all hours? He'd rather work harder himself and not use benefit money?
Does that not make you want to at least try to look for some work so he feels less uncomfortable about the situation?

You seem to dismiss his working as nothing whilst claiming you have it hard being home. Opting out of work has to be a decision by both parties, not just one and he's telling you he's not happy with the status quo.

Marriage is a partnership, you need to both compromise which could be done by you gaining part time work.

Seriously, people. THE DWP DO NOT COME TO YOUR HOME TO DO PIP ASSESSMENTS.

I have known people who has literally just been discharged from Section being expected to attend an assessment centre. The fact that they have agreed to go to the OP's home to do the assessment is a sign of how ill she is. Same with the group she has been put into for ESA. The DWP are not there for anyone who could maybe "step up a little". People with terminal brain tumours are being signed Fit For Work because their doctors can't say for sure they'll be dead in six months.

This woman is very, very ill. Add in the side effects from anti psychotics, and I'm actually surprised that she is able to reply coherently on here.

This whole thread just demonstrates how little people understand serious mental health problems.

That's quite some ignorance you're showing there redjellybean

Box sets you are just as bad

Why comment on threads when you clearly know absolutely fuck all about mental health issues?

Arum... The OP has been discharged from her recovery team... She is not actively unwell at the moment. She has from what she describes a stable illness.
She can run a home and do school runs etc... Therefore she cannot be actively psychotic or in severe depression at the moment.
I was not suggesting she gets high powered stressful job.. But tries something even if it is a few hours a week.
She won't know if she does not try?

Really... In what way am I beibg ignorant?

The op herself says she thinks she could give some form of work a go and would like to.
I think that ignorance goes both ways.. The pp who said the side effects of anti psychotics would most likely render someone incoherent for example. Many of my patients are stable and well if they take their Meds including anti psychotics.. Very few are incoherent with side effects?

Your mental health is your full time job. I grew up with a mum with severe mental health issues, she’s never worked since and I’d never expect her to. She can seem ok at times and you seem ok on here. From what I remember my dad was fairly dismissive and resentful, but I think he was in denial and didn’t want to face up to how bad it really was. He still is and they spilt many years ago.

I find working quite helpful personally, no severe mental health issues though, just moderate depression and anxiety. I started off volunteering and I’d really recommend exploring options for doing things you will enjoy and to boost your self esteem, not necessarily for building up to work later.

theredjellybean People are discharged from the recovery team when they are judged "stable" - for them. All it means is that, at this point, the recovery team don't expect her to spiral significantly in the next few months. There isn't anything more they feel they can do. It doesn't mean she has "recovered", ie that she is well. It just means that they think she isn't going to scare the horses for a few months. Seriously, do you honestly think the DWP put you in the long-term group on some sort of whim?

And what do you think running a home looks like? You think she's doing that, or the school run successfully, without support? She's on antipsychotics, ffs. She's doing what we in the know refer to as "the locked ward shuffle". She's not getting employed, by anyone, anywhere.

PIP assessments are definitely carried out at peoples homes

The OP says she could work part time and is able to go out daily to the library, gym etc (as per her other threads) so from her husbands point of view she's choosing not to work.

He is allowed to say he's not happy with her not being in work when the children are now in school and have been for some time.

Agree with @thesearepearls. You are not choosing not to work, or taking it easy as a SAHP - you are managing with a chronic and severe illness while also being a parent (and for that matter, are still bringing in funds). They don't give PIP easily in your circumstances, you are a strong woman who has come through a lot, and need to prioritise your health.

Going to the gym or the library are quite therapeutic things to do if you have a mental illness. My son likes to get out into the hills for a walk or go for a bike ride.

Yes, Boxsets because being able to occasionally get out to the gym and library is a sign the OP is well enough to hold down a part time job. Utterly clueless comment by you.

OP, you have an illness, and you sound possibly not well enough to look for work yet, as also evidenced by getting ESA which is for people not well enough to work. If you want to see whether you could manage a part time job without making your illness worse, voluntary work would be a way perhaps to test the water.

I agree with a previous poster who says your job at the moment is keeping yourself stable whilst also raising children and running a home. You are doing well. Chronic illness is very difficult.

" he said I was thinking of reasons not to or that could get something that fits in with the school"

Health issues aside for a mo, this comment alone tells me that he has no intention of doing his share if you go back to work.

And doing his share should also mean the emotional load e.g not having to have you remind him when dentist appontments are etc.

Ah the old, get a job that fits in with school, which translates into I am not going to change anything I do with regard to housework and childcare. That is still firmly your responsibility but if you can just be seen to be doing something rather than being at home, that would be great.

You need a discussion, but I would firmly tell him the expectations with regard to housework, childcare and covering school holidays.

Personally in your situation I would not be looking for work but concentrating on you, getting yourself on an even keel.

Probably going to get flamed here but if you can function on a day to day basis then I think you should look into getting back to work in the near future.
It's a lot for one person to sholder all financial responsibility and say your husband needed to give up work for some reason would you be supportive of that.
Hopefully on the Meds you will be more stable and could look for a less stressful part time role?