To tell DP to say no to MIL

[Tulpenblue]

My DPs father died some years ago and his sister live with his mother about 20miles away from us. Recently his mother's nephew got in touch, he's her brothers son from a relationship no one knew anything about and her brother died a few years ago. The family have obviously never met him before, he is around 19. He wants to meet the family so my MIL has invited him to her home. This evening she spoke to my DP and asked if he would say with them the night that her nephew is visiting as she and DPs sister don't feel comfortable being alone with a strange man the house. DP said he would speak to me. My issue is that if he stays with them he is leaving me and our 11 month old baby o; our own! We live in a quiet rural area, I don't like being alone here. DP says it's just to reassure his mother and sister but now I have to arrange to stay somewhere else or ask someone else to come stay with me for the night! AIBU to tell DP to say no to is mother and that she should put the nephew up in the local hotel. TBH If the nephew turns out to be a weirdo I don't really like the idea of DP having to deal with the situation either!

@MarmaladeIsMyJam

And you’re being a massive b*tch.

Did you even bother to read the other posts or was that too much effort for you prior to writing your nasty comment. Such a mean girl.

So you don't even feel safe alone in your own home? Sounds like you should move.

It's one night, man up and get the hell on with it.

I live in a super rural location (no neighbours, streetlights etc) and must admit I don't relish staying in by myself sometimes (especially when the cat stares at invisible things on the ceiling) . However my husband has to be away from time to time and that's fine as I know I'm alright really.
I think you should let it slide.

@NorthernSpirit Not one bit needy or anxious. I said I don't stay on my own not that I am scared, that's an assumption people are making.

I just don't like the fact my MIL emotionally manipulates my DP and is inconsiderate of my family time at weekends. There was no thought to our plans for this weekend. My DP is a lovely man and of course wants to please his mother, my issue is that she should ask in advance of making arrangements. I found out about this last night and it's on Saturday.

I'm** being put in the position where I can't say no and where I'm not actually really being asked because of course he'll go....

This particular instance is the final straw in a series of final straws. Last month I had to cancel weekend plans to have a big family get together because she fancied it. A fortnight ago DP went to look after the dog so she could go away on the piss. Are you seeing a pattern yet??

Oops, changed my name to post elsewhere. Previous post (maithancailin) is mine....

I don't understand why you're creating a drama about this tbh. If you don't want to be on your own with your baby, why don't you both go with him?

But so many mums are on their own with their kids every night, so one night shouldn't be an issue if you really don't want to stay with your MIL.

Just think how nervous this cousin will be at meeting you all, he's most likely a very nice young man who you'll all get on well with. Why should there be so much drama about it?

OP have you had a talk with your dh? Said to him that you feel like you are second best and want more family time?

Maybe an open honest chat would help.

I agree he should be listening to your feelings a lot more than he is.

Unfortunately on this occasion it sounds like your Mil has a genuine need but I think your Dh needs to be putting you first more.

I hope it all works out and things are resolved for you. Maybe scheduling a regular day a month for MIl might make her less needy? She could be scared of being pushed out.

@GinUnicorn We visit once a week as it is!! @Lizzie48 I'm not invited, DP only.

That isn't very nice, I can understand why you're miffed about that. I wonder if he's happy with the sleepover part because it means he can have a few drinks? That's what I would suspect.

Could you arrange to have a fun evening with a few friends? That might make it worthwhile.

Then she has a lot of contact already. I think your DP really needs to stick up for you more then. I hope you can get through to him.

@Lizzie48 Thats a good point. Likely why MIL wants him to stay also. @GinUnicorn Thanks, I guess this isn't the situation to put my foot down but I think at some point I'm going to have to say something directly to MIL myself.

@SandAndSea You're right, this is not the right battle I'm just frustrated at this point. I didn't mind and encourage DP socializing while on holiday so they can have their family time, I thought an offer of babysitting from MIL so DP and I could go for a nice lunch would have been a nice gesture, I have no interest in DP minding baby so I can go to pub with ILs tbh. This didn't happen of course, that's why it rankles so much to be put out yet again...all take and no give...

Double check the doors are locked and sleep with extra lights on. You’ll be fine. Post on here to keep yourself busy. :)

It sounds from your new updates that the issue isn't that you're scared to be on your own, it's that you think your partner is inconsiderate and your MIL isn't respectful of your time. It sounds like you need to have a discussion about that rather than dressing it up as an inability to be alone.

I don’t understand why people think you’re unreasonable to be a bit afraid of spending a night withhout your partner, but MIL is fine to want her done there, presumably for the same reason? If I wasn’t comfortable with a ‘strange man’ in my house then I wouldn’t have him stay.

Surely if OP is being a bit ‘pathetic’ then so is MIL.

YABU about this particular event

I’m concerned you are scared to be alone in your home with your child.is there a rationalfor your extreme reaction? Most very rural areas have very low crime rates.
You are being a tad childlike in your response.

Wait until you have more DC and you will be relieved your DH is buggering off for the night and even better the weekend! When the DC are older there is no need to feel fear. You have strengths in numbers... 😂 anyway I have derailed slightly and being someone who lives in a big city don’t worry at all when he goes away but I think I may be different if I was isolated and I am a fairly tough woman too!

"I don’t understand why people think you’re unreasonable to be a bit afraid of spending a night withhout your partner, but MIL is fine to want her done there, presumably for the same reason?"

If the OP had an unknown man staying at her house I am pretty sure everyone would be saying that of course her dp should be staying at home with her!

But the holiday business was outrageous. Why on earth didn't you say to your dh that you didn't want to stay in every night while he went out and ask the family to babysit?

@BustopherJones yes, my point exactly, it's the same situation in reverse. What decent MIL would ask her DS to stay with her leaving me and baby alone?

@BertrandRussell I have more sense than invite a man I don't know into my home and then expect other people to rally around poor little me.

Fair enough. I would glacé though it was quite a nice thing to welcome a long lost relation into your house. But hey ho.

Out of interest, why didn't you say anything to your husband about him going out every night while you were on honiday?

"What decent MIL would ask her DS to stay with her leaving me and baby alone?"

Well, I probably would. It wouldn't cross my mind that an adult woman wouldn't be able to spend the night alone in her own home.

@Iwantamarshmallow "I think it's quite common" No it isn't common at all. In fact it is quite rare and abnormal. It is deeply disturbing that a grown woman and mother at that cannot be on her own in her own home. It goes beyond mere weird, it is very disturbing.