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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DP to say no to MIL

252 replies

Tulpenblue · 15/07/2018 23:50

My DPs father died some years ago and his sister live with his mother about 20miles away from us. Recently his mother's nephew got in touch, he's her brothers son from a relationship no one knew anything about and her brother died a few years ago. The family have obviously never met him before, he is around 19. He wants to meet the family so my MIL has invited him to her home. This evening she spoke to my DP and asked if he would say with them the night that her nephew is visiting as she and DPs sister don't feel comfortable being alone with a strange man the house. DP said he would speak to me. My issue is that if he stays with them he is leaving me and our 11 month old baby o; our own! We live in a quiet rural area, I don't like being alone here. DP says it's just to reassure his mother and sister but now I have to arrange to stay somewhere else or ask someone else to come stay with me for the night! AIBU to tell DP to say no to is mother and that she should put the nephew up in the local hotel. TBH If the nephew turns out to be a weirdo I don't really like the idea of DP having to deal with the situation either!

OP posts:
user56 · 16/07/2018 08:40

Almost unanimous YABVU. Except I get the distinct impression that's not what you were expecting to hear ....

Munchyseeds · 16/07/2018 08:48

Can't help feeling really sorry for the 19 year old in all this....

Blaablaablaa · 16/07/2018 08:49

Sorry you're bring 100% unreasonable. It's one night supporting his mum in what sounds like a very emotional situation.

My DH went to the other side of the world for a week when DS was 8 weeks - we were fine.

As an adult it's not healthy to not be able to spend a night in your own home on your own.

How would you feel if it was the other way around? And you needed to support your mum?

You sounds like a controlling nightmare tbh

PuddinginPerth · 16/07/2018 08:49

@Cagliostro
I completely disagree with you.

How dare you accuse the OP of having a mental health issue purely because you do yourself!

This isn’t an anxiety disorder. She has a reasonable expectation that her husband will protect his family. They live in a remote area. He has already left her to dog sit and proposes to do it again because his mother over committed. The person going into the MIL’s house isn’t family - it’s a complete stranger!!! Further, there are some family members I wouldn’t have stay in my own house.

She is not being unreasonable!! Everyone stop telling her that she is.

If he can’t look after his own family then she should find someone who will.

Blaablaablaa · 16/07/2018 08:52

His mum is his family too! Why do people seem to think once you get a partner and have kids your parents cease to be family? She's a grown woman complaining about spending one night on her own. 🙄

PuddinginPerth · 16/07/2018 08:53

@FatCow2018 - settle down. You’re being aggressive. She merely asked a question with an expectation of support. You were unable to offer that, so don’t abuse her instead.

AnneElliott · 16/07/2018 08:55

I think yabu but so are they. Why on earth have they invited him if they think he's a strange bloke?

wellBeehivedWoman · 16/07/2018 09:16

She has a reasonable expectation that her husband will protect his family. They live in a remote area. He has already left her to dog sit and proposes to do it again because his mother over committed.

His mother is his family too - why should he be there for her? And what is he protecting OP from? If they live in an area which is so dangerous that it's not safe for OP to be on her own even for a night, why don't they move?

I don't think it's a reasonable expectation that your partner will be at home every night. Inevitably the normal events of life will require one or other person to be away for the odd spell here or there. It is not normal to expect that you will never be apart from one another. It isn't a reasonable expectation at all.

ichifanny · 16/07/2018 09:19

You are being demanding of your husband to say he has to stay with you every night , it’s a rare occasion let him support his mum .

BertrandRussell · 16/07/2018 09:23

"She has a reasonable expectation that her husband will protect his family."

Blimey. Where does she live?

Juells · 16/07/2018 09:26

@PuddinginPerth

She is not being unreasonable!! Everyone stop telling her that she is.

If he can’t look after his own family then she should find someone who will.

This ^^

I don't think the OP is at all unreasonable, and in her place I'd be going to stay in a hotel for the night. That might focus a few minds.

Start being bolshie, OP. There's no way I'd stay alone in a house in the country, and I don't suffer from anxiety, I have a legitimate fear of burglars or boodie men.

Juells · 16/07/2018 09:27

...also, you should move to an area where you feel safe.

ichifanny · 16/07/2018 09:28

So is he never allowed to go on a night out or be ill or go anywhere as it’s his responsibility to ‘ look after her ‘ I’ve never heard anything so ridiculously suffocating and non feminist in my life .

CosmicCanary · 16/07/2018 09:29

She is not being unreasonable!! Everyone stop telling her that she is.

Who are you to tell posters what to do?

Do one bossy boots. The OP asked if she was BU most think she is.

MakeMineALarge1 · 16/07/2018 09:34

I am sorry but uabvu, one night, and you are too scared to stay by yourself, you need to toughen up and get on with it - what will you do if he ever needs to go into hospital??

I think you need to grow up a bit OP, what lesson are you teaching your child, that you can't be alone in the house and that you need a man to look after you?

BounceAndClimb · 16/07/2018 09:34

YABU. Our DC are 5, 1 and 8 months and DP works away 5-7 nights a month on average. I lock the doors and shut the windows before dark but realistically theres no more likelihood of someone breaking in that night than when DP is there. If someone broke in with a weapon while we were both asleep I would probably feel safer with the idea of DP there but realistically it wouldn't make much difference when we're both half asleep!

LagunaBubbles · 16/07/2018 09:35

No, I'm not keen on staying by myself in the house. Why should I. I never stay here alone. If DP goes away I go and stay with my family

Why should you? Because you are a grown adult for a start! It's normal. It's not normal to expect the world to revolve around you however.

Blaablaablaa · 16/07/2018 09:39

@juells you'd stay in a hotel just because your DH stayed away for ONE night?? Really??

What does your husband do when you stay somewhere else?

Juells · 16/07/2018 09:41

Why should you? Because you are a grown adult for a start!

I don't feel safe at night alone in an isolated house, and no amount of tut tutting and finger wagging and being told to get a grip makes a difference. If it's something that doesn't worry you, fair enough. But having lived in an isolated house, I'd never do it again. I want to be able to relax at night, not worry at every sound.

DidimusStench · 16/07/2018 09:42

Bloody he’ll OP you must live somewhere really dangerous....

It must be so suffocating to be so totally dependant on another person

Juells · 16/07/2018 09:45

It must be so suffocating to be so totally dependant on another person

No, it must be awful to be living somewhere you don't feel safe at night. A house-move is needed.

PirateWeasel · 16/07/2018 09:46

So it's not so much that's you don't want to spend the night alone in your house, it's that you feel he's already done his fair share of family stuff lately? Have you told him that? If you went with the 'I don't want to be home alone' angle he probably dismissed it as silly. Tell him the real reason.

Blaablaablaa · 16/07/2018 09:46

@juells then I'd suggest you get some help for that unhealthy level of anxiety. Something the OP probably needs to look into too.

I do seriously worry how some people live as functioning adults

DidimusStench · 16/07/2018 09:47

Well if that really is the problem @Juells (doubtful) that’s hardly her MILs problem is it? OP needs to address herself, not blame her circumstances and quite frankly, bizarre dependency issues on others

Juells · 16/07/2018 09:52

@Blaablaablaa

@juells then I'd suggest you get some help for that unhealthy level of anxiety. Something the OP probably needs to look into too.

It's not an unhealthy level of anxiety. I don't believe all the posters who claim they'd have no anxiety alone at night in an isolated house. It's bullshit 😂 Either they've never lived in the country, or they have no imagination.

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