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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DP to say no to MIL

252 replies

Tulpenblue · 15/07/2018 23:50

My DPs father died some years ago and his sister live with his mother about 20miles away from us. Recently his mother's nephew got in touch, he's her brothers son from a relationship no one knew anything about and her brother died a few years ago. The family have obviously never met him before, he is around 19. He wants to meet the family so my MIL has invited him to her home. This evening she spoke to my DP and asked if he would say with them the night that her nephew is visiting as she and DPs sister don't feel comfortable being alone with a strange man the house. DP said he would speak to me. My issue is that if he stays with them he is leaving me and our 11 month old baby o; our own! We live in a quiet rural area, I don't like being alone here. DP says it's just to reassure his mother and sister but now I have to arrange to stay somewhere else or ask someone else to come stay with me for the night! AIBU to tell DP to say no to is mother and that she should put the nephew up in the local hotel. TBH If the nephew turns out to be a weirdo I don't really like the idea of DP having to deal with the situation either!

OP posts:
Faerie87 · 16/07/2018 00:21

I think if it was for a week then maybe, but for one night it’s not too much of a problem.

My OH will be going to London in September and our LO will only be 3 months at this stage. I am dreading it, but before I met my partner I lived a lone for two years and before that my previous partner worked all around the country so I was used to being on my own.

You also have to consider that plenty of women take care of babies on their own for example single parents or if their OH were in the armed forces.

Is there any specific reason you don’t want to be on your own OP, for example you mentioned you’re in a rural area? Do
You feel that you would be vulnerable to robberies or is it just creepy? I understand feeling scared the house I shared with my ex who was away a lot always felt creepy on my own and I never liked it when he was away and could never sleep right.

As a previous poster has said could you arrange to have your mum/family member/friend stop over with you to put you at ease?

I don’t think you’re being silly, I know myself how it feels to feel scared about being on your own but sometimes it’s best to bite the bullet. If I did not have an ex partner that worked away I don’t think I would ever have been able to live by myself after we split up so it also allows you to be more independent xx

MarmaladeIsMyJam · 16/07/2018 00:23

So you have stayed in the house by yourself while he dog sat? Confused

Shumpalumpa · 16/07/2018 00:24

Why didn't tell your DH he is minding the DC while you went to the pub?

No one is being put out, OP.

Pick your battles. You should have put your foot down on the pub outings, not this.

Original poster
Tulpenblue · 16/07/2018 00:28

No, I'm not keen on staying by myself in the house. Why should I. I never stay here alone. If DP goes away I go and stay with my family. However, mostly I think it's an unreasonable request given there's a perfectly good hotel for the nephew to stay in if my MIL just organized it instead of expecting my DP to sort her shit out.

KC225,I'm not assuming he's a weirdo but obviously my MIL thinks there's a chance he is if she wants DP to stay over for reassurance.

Not trying to stop my DP spend time with the nephew, just not a sleepover.

Yes have stayed on my own while he dog sat.

Re pub outings, I don't ask. I waited to see if anyone courteous enough to offer. They weren't. I have brought this up.

OP posts:
Urubu · 16/07/2018 00:29

Even after reading your update, YABU. And you sound a little bit selfish, sorry.

fieryginger · 16/07/2018 00:30

Yabu. It's one night. Honestly, think it's a fair ask.

ArcheryAnnie · 16/07/2018 00:32

The problem isn't the MIL or the nephew, it's your DP. If he's happy to bugger off to the pub every night for a week without you, then that's not good.

Allthewaves · 16/07/2018 00:37

Yabu and oddly co-dependent on your husband. Why should they babysit your child on a family holiday!

Put your big girl pants on and let him go.

zwellers · 16/07/2018 00:38

So you have never stayed in the house alone cept when you did? To coin a Wells used phrase here #hardwork

Smallhorse · 16/07/2018 00:39

You are sounding less reasonable with every update.
Grow a backbone

NorfolkRattle · 16/07/2018 00:39

Your DP has his priorities all wrong: of course he should have enabled you to go out some evenings while you were on holiday. You staying in every night while he and his mother and siblings went out every night is them treating you like a skivvy. Is he over-influenced by his mother in general? Does he jump at her every request? If so, this is a far more serious problem that you just spending one night in your home without him.

Cyw2018 · 16/07/2018 00:45

YABU and a bit pathetic. I live rurally and DH stays away two nights a week every week for work and has done since going back after his 2 weeks paternity leave. You need to get a grip of this as it could be another reason (like mil bring ill) that means your DH has to spend a night away.

timeisnotaline · 16/07/2018 00:45

If the problem is that his mum is demanding of his time and inconsiderate of yours, that’s different from you’re afraid to spend a night at home without him. Im not sure this is the event to challenge that but you should do 2 things- address this head on with him (if you approach it the way you did your op he won’t have a clue what the real issue is so can hardly fix it) and 2. Take some practical steps yourself. You could take the baby to the pub and pretend like you assumed that was the plan as there was no sitter, you can book a night/few hours depending on bf out and tell not ask him he’s parenting tonight , and if that’s not an option because he can’t put the baby to bed/look after baby at all then the problem is much more than your mil.

ineedaholidaynow · 16/07/2018 00:47

I'm confused about you never staying on your own and then you saying you did stay on your own whilst he dog sat!

I think YABU about him staying at his mum's to see his nephew.

However, there does seem to be an issue that he can prioritise his DM and other relatives over you, so that should be addressed e.g. when you are on holiday, or if you never get a chance to go out

User467 · 16/07/2018 00:55

If staying in a hotel is no big deal are you paying for it? If I had room in my house for a guest there's no way I'd be paying for hotel room.

You just sound a bit selfish to be honest. You say the issue isn't that you'll be in yourself so is it just that he's going to his mums? It's a long lost relative.......I think it's warranted.

And the going to the pub thing. Yeah that sounds a bit much, but why didn't you just say you wanted to go? Why stay silent then moan when no one asked?

SilverySurfer · 16/07/2018 00:59

YABU and it's really pathetic that you can't spend one night in your own home without him. Oh and your drip feeds don't change anything.

Shootfirstaskquestionslater · 16/07/2018 01:01

YABU and really pathetic get a grip it’s one night.

GunpowderGelatine · 16/07/2018 01:01

Wow YAB SO U! You'd let a (presumably) elderly woman and her daughter stay alone with a strange man just so you aren't alone with your almost 1yo. Get a grip! You're saying you'll never ever stay alone in the house?! I hope nothing ever happens to your DH or you split up, you wouldn't have much choice then. I'd hate to have the burden of my DH always needing my presence in the house on a night

teaandtoast · 16/07/2018 01:04

Is there any proof this guy actually is mil's nephew?

user1473878824 · 16/07/2018 01:04

You are being ridiculously unreasonable! It’s one night and as PP have said your baby is nearly one. Sorry your DH has buggered off to the pub before but this is totally different! Also so what he’s putting himself out (Hmm) for his family - that’s what families do. If you’re this bothered about one single night alone why not go too?

Hogtini · 16/07/2018 01:05

YABU, needy and selfish.

PremierNaps · 16/07/2018 01:09

Another AIBU yes you are NO IM NOT! thread. Sorry OP even with your update YABU.

Your husband should have offered to babysit while you went out but you can't expect his MIL to make family stay in a hotel.

Wolfpac · 16/07/2018 01:29

Sorry but you are being very unreasonable. Your partner is going to be half an hour away if anything does happen while he's away for the night, then he will be able to come back and help you. And it's only ONE night!
If you have anxiety about being home alone for a night then there may be another issue you need to deal with.
I love being home alone spending time with my DD I'm sure your DP likes to have nights out by himself. Can't keep him locked up forever!

Ractify · 16/07/2018 02:04

Why can't you stay in your own home by yourself?
Do you have anxiety? Or some medical reason you cannot be the only adult in the house?
Can you not manage your 11 month old by yourself?

It is quite bizarre that an adult woman is getting so worked up about staying 1 night alone in her own home.

Given your updates, if the pattern of behaviour of your DP is upsetting you (that you feel he is constantly helping/staying/visiting his DM) - then sort that out with your DP after he does this reasonable 1 night stay over to help out his mother.

BedtimeTea · 16/07/2018 02:57

He is your dh's cousin, why not say that instead of his mother's nephew?

Anyways, I am probably at least as old as your mother, and have always been afraid to sleep alone in the house (without a dog). I understand the anxiety...I only lived alone for 3 months, out of all my life. I get somebody to stay with me when dh is away sInce we are now pet free.

How could your mil explain sending him to a hotel? There would have to be a very believable excuse, I am sure she does not want to risk the relationship with her dead brothers son.

Idea! You and baby go stay overat mil's as well?

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