Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DP to say no to MIL

252 replies

Tulpenblue · 15/07/2018 23:50

My DPs father died some years ago and his sister live with his mother about 20miles away from us. Recently his mother's nephew got in touch, he's her brothers son from a relationship no one knew anything about and her brother died a few years ago. The family have obviously never met him before, he is around 19. He wants to meet the family so my MIL has invited him to her home. This evening she spoke to my DP and asked if he would say with them the night that her nephew is visiting as she and DPs sister don't feel comfortable being alone with a strange man the house. DP said he would speak to me. My issue is that if he stays with them he is leaving me and our 11 month old baby o; our own! We live in a quiet rural area, I don't like being alone here. DP says it's just to reassure his mother and sister but now I have to arrange to stay somewhere else or ask someone else to come stay with me for the night! AIBU to tell DP to say no to is mother and that she should put the nephew up in the local hotel. TBH If the nephew turns out to be a weirdo I don't really like the idea of DP having to deal with the situation either!

OP posts:
SalemBlackCat · 17/07/2018 20:57

"expect other people to rally around poor little me"
That is exactly what you are doing. Suffocating your partner and everyone else, expecting them to rally around poor little you because you need your mummy or an adult with you at all times. Even in your own home. You are being incredibly selfish and unreasonable, but more than that, you are being nasty because the man is your partner's cousin, not a 'stranger'. In a paradoxical way, I think you are more irritated that you are seeing yourself in your MIL. The same clingyness and neediness. It reminds you of yourself. Often we get really irritated by behaviour because we recognise it and see it in ourselves.

Original poster
Tulpenblue · 17/07/2018 21:00

@SalemBlackCat Come on now, 'abnormal' and 'disturbing' is the language used to describe serial killers. You're being a tad extreme...

@BertrandRussell DP doesn't have much of a social life where we live and he enjoys his family's company. Believe it or not I was thinking of him. My annoyance is mostly directed at my in laws who could have offered to babysit so I could go out with my DP. We haven't been out for a night since DC was born. I thought this would have been the decent thing to do since I made the effort to join them for the week so that they could spend time with DP and DC. I pay my own way, btw.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tulpenblue · 17/07/2018 21:02

@SalemBlackCat Ha ha you really do watch too many crime shows on Telly don't you. Quite the amateur psychologist! I'm not even going to respond to that load of waffle. 😂

OP posts:
SalemBlackCat · 17/07/2018 21:21

@Tulpenblue you honestly don't think being afraid to stay on your own is rather 'extreme', too? I also think I hit a nerve.....

LoveInTokyo · 17/07/2018 21:24

OP, you do sound a little hard work, if I'm honest.

You seem to have a lot of small grievances towards your in-laws which are surfacing now over a smaller, unrelated thing. Clearly you are capable of staying overnight in your own house by yourself because you have done so in the past. So that is obviously not the real issue here.

If the issue is your partner spending too much time with his family and not enough with you then that is something you need to raise with him in more general terms. This situation doesn't seem like the right time to do that.

If you want your MIL to babysit, you or your partner could always try asking her if she's willing to babysit for a few hours so you can go out. If she says no, she says no. Get a babysitter. Your MIL isn't preventing you from going out.

It seems to me like you're letting all these petty resentments build up instead of doing the adult thing and actually talking to the people in your life about how you feel.

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 17/07/2018 21:30

The MIL sounds like an alcoholic - all that drinking sounds unhealthy.

I think if DP saw her every few weeks and she wasn't selfish with her time with him I'd agree you were being unreasonable. As it is, I don't think you are.

She doesn't like you replacing DP as his favourite woman so wants to push you aside. That's what it seems like, anyway...

maithancailin · 17/07/2018 21:35

@SalemBlackCat I think you need a dictionary.

@LoveInTokyo Not at all, I'm the most easygoing girl on the block but some people just grind you down. I've done all the talking to DP but it's MIL who's the issue. Take take take. Poor DP is in a tough position but it's not me who puts him there.

BertrandRussell · 17/07/2018 21:36

“My annoyance is mostly directed at my in laws who could have offered to babysit so I could go out with my DP”

Why didn’t you say something?

SalemBlackCat · 17/07/2018 21:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LoveInTokyo · 17/07/2018 21:45

Not at all, I'm the most easygoing girl on the block

No offence but that is really not how you are coming across on this thread.

BertrandRussell · 17/07/2018 21:50

So you’ve done all the talking to your dp but he still went out with his family every night leaving you with the baby? Was he chained to them by the ankle?

MotsDHeureGoussesRames · 17/07/2018 21:51

OP YABU and you're allowing a few others with the same (or worse) unhealthy outlooks to bolster you and justify your behaviour. Your DP is not your possession and you don't get to dictate what he does. What you do get the right to is your own response to those feelings: if you genuinely feel he is staying at his mum's too often, have a conversation with him but not one where you try to emotionally blackmail him into seeing things your way. Explain your feelings then leave it with him. @PuddingPerth - your suggestion is really wrong. You make the mistake of believing that your understanding of human nature is the correct one and that everyone sees people and relationships the way you do: as games to be played and pawns to be manipulated. That's not the way it works and your outlook is really unhealthy. Thr fact that you 'own' your behaviour and thoughts by openly admitting they are sociopathic does not make them ok. OP, whilst we all like to feel supported - and some posters on AIBU can be very harsh and say it how they see it - don't be lulled into a false sense of rightness by posters like @Pudding. Be an adult and act with integrity.

Thesearepearls · 17/07/2018 21:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SalemBlackCat · 17/07/2018 21:52

"Are you seeing a pattern yet??"

Are we seeing a pattern? Am I seeing a pattern? Bloody oath! It is very clear. Yes, I am seeing a pattern with your husband's behaviour. But it appears it is not the same pattern you are seeing. Or for the same reasons as you are. Btw, if you didn't feel scared to stay on your own (I think you are backtracking because of the almost unanimous agreement on ths), you would not have a problem staying on your own. You refuse to. Clearly there is a reason or else it wouldn't be such an issue.

People are only trying to help. Your MIL may be manipulative and demanding even though there are only 3 examples you've given. But you seem very demanding and suffocating too. Am maybe some of us have come across as nasty and I apologise for my part, but you refuse to stop and actually listen and consider what we're saying and are still refusing to take ownership over your own behaviour. So people are losing patience with you.

maithancailin · 17/07/2018 21:54

@SalemBlackCat MIL is that you? 😂

SalemBlackCat · 17/07/2018 21:56

I take it your MIL has tried to talk to you before about your phobia, maithancailin?

BrokenWing · 17/07/2018 22:13

I would probably be anxious staying in a rural property alone (unless I had a big dog!). That is why I would never make one my home.

OP, most adults, although they will miss their OH, can manage staying in their own home alone. If you have a home where you are dependant on another adult essentially babysitting you so you can sleep at home you should reconsider your living arrangements and maybe find somewhere with neighbours to give that sense of security you are missing.

Or let your dh stay away from home more so you get used to the sounds of the house alone. What on earth will you do if your dh can't come home for a while (hospitalised, training course at work, stag weekend etc)? Time to get your big girl pants on and get on with it or make a change.

witchofzog · 17/07/2018 22:41

But you are expecting people to rally round "poor little you". You said you will have to ask someone to stay with you when you are in your own home and you fully expect your partner to choose not to go.

Any sympathy you had re bullying is gone for me now after the comment you made to Bert. I think wanting to meet a family member for the first time with a familiar face present is totally normal. Not being able to be in your own home alone for a night is totally not normal. I understand the being annoyed with the pub scenario. Your dh was selfish and that needs addressing. But seriously. You really can't expect your dh to be home every single night forever

FatCow2018 · 18/07/2018 07:52

God is this still going? Fucking ridiculous behaviour from a sodding adult. DH is away 6 months at a time, we live as rurally as you can get, perhaps I need to get myself a nanny so I'm not scared on my own?! 😂😂

Juells · 18/07/2018 08:15

If you have a home where you are dependant on another adult essentially babysitting you so you can sleep at home you should reconsider your living arrangements and maybe find somewhere with neighbours to give that sense of security you are missing.

^^ This. I'd never live in an isolated house again, now that I know I don't sleep well at night there.

I don't understand why posters are giving the OP such a hard time over it. Different people have different fears - if someone posted about being afraid of dogs, or public speaking, whatever, she'd be given helpful advice, not accused of being stupid or pretending.

You couldn't pay me to spend a night in a lonely house in the country on my own. The very thought gives me the creeps.

LagunaBubbles · 18/07/2018 08:29

your husband needs to behave like a man and not a child; leaving a wife and infant to go back home to mummy is his weakness - not yours

No the OP needs to behave like a woman, not a child. You dont stop caring about your Mum (not Mummy) just because you are an adult, and its a strength not a weakness, but hey this is MN where some people think women should have relationships with their Mums all their lives and men should drop them.Hmm

Oliversmumsarmy · 18/07/2018 08:39

Different people have different fears - if someone posted about being afraid of dogs, or public speaking, whatever, she'd be given helpful advice, not accused of being stupid or pretending

This is the equivalent of being afraid of dogs and going out and buying a Rottweiler.

If the OP is fearful of living in an isolated house why move in to an isolated house.

If you are frightened of situations then you can avoid them you don't put yourself in situations.

Faerie87 · 18/07/2018 09:06

I have been reading that a lot of people have put that they live on their own, have been on their own for X amount of months! Well that’s great but I would imagine for the OP it’s like a sky diver saying to someone with a fear of heights, why don’t you want to jump out a plane? Come on! You’re being pathetic for having a fear!

Yes, it does not scare you! Bully for you, you deserve a blue peter badge! But in this instance it scares the OP.

And as for saying why did she buy a house where she was not comfortable? I have not seen anywhere on this thread about how the OP ended up in that house? For all we know it could be her OH and she moved in? They could have both purchased it together? All I’m saying many people are jumping to conclusions and giving OP a hard time which is really unfair! Also many people don’t know how they are going to be in a property unless they have lived there. She may have spent the night alone and thought, sod that! Can’t do that again, it’s creepy as hell!

Juells · 18/07/2018 09:08

Perhaps she didn't realise how it would be, living in a lonely house? I didn't - I thought it would be lovely, nice garden, bigger house than we could afford elsewhere. It was fine until my ex had to go away for work, and I was alone there at night. Then it was not fine at all.

CantankerousCamel · 18/07/2018 09:11

But it’s so easy to ‘just move’ on Mumsnet

No thought required, just pack a bag and you’re away... irs not like we all have lives and worlds built around our physical environments

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.