To tell DP to say no to MIL

[Tulpenblue]

My DPs father died some years ago and his sister live with his mother about 20miles away from us. Recently his mother's nephew got in touch, he's her brothers son from a relationship no one knew anything about and her brother died a few years ago. The family have obviously never met him before, he is around 19. He wants to meet the family so my MIL has invited him to her home. This evening she spoke to my DP and asked if he would say with them the night that her nephew is visiting as she and DPs sister don't feel comfortable being alone with a strange man the house. DP said he would speak to me. My issue is that if he stays with them he is leaving me and our 11 month old baby o; our own! We live in a quiet rural area, I don't like being alone here. DP says it's just to reassure his mother and sister but now I have to arrange to stay somewhere else or ask someone else to come stay with me for the night! AIBU to tell DP to say no to is mother and that she should put the nephew up in the local hotel. TBH If the nephew turns out to be a weirdo I don't really like the idea of DP having to deal with the situation either!

Dear God .

Get a Grip.

Why move somewhere so bloody rural then if you don't /can't/ won't be happy being alone there ?

YABU.... and don’t listen to puddings advice.

Utterly ridiculous. What did you do before you met your dh? If you didn't feel safe in the country then you should never have got a house there.

My husband works night shifts 4-5 nights every 2 weeks the first time I was ever alone I was a bit nervous but I got on with it and actually quite enjoy the peace these days . I’d get a friend over to stay don’t put it on your husband .

@juells I live in an isolated house in the country...we look out onto open countryside so only have curtains in the bedrooms so it can feel very exposed at times. Both me and my DP work away regularly and neither of us have ever felt the need to stay in a hotel rather than stay alone in our house.

Why move somewhere so bloody rural then if you don't /can't/ won't be happy being alone there

If you've always lived in a built-up area the reality mightn't occur to you until you're stuck in the situation. 😁

YABU. You’ve been watching too much Crimewatch.

@Juells - you’re so right!

I would also be suggesting a place far far away from the MIL. He’s already travelling there and staying over night on the regular. Clearly, she needs to move further away.

The issue is, he’s likely to still stay at his mother’s house.

This relationship is doomed whether they move or not. He would know his behaviour is unreasonable.

She is not being unreasonable!! Everyone stop telling her that she is.

Literally the point if this board is that everyone piles in with whether or not they think the OP is BU or not. Telling everyone to agree with your pov is daft.

@tulpenblue its his mum. and her safety. just think, in 20 years, if you ask your lovely baby to come make sure youre safe for ONE night and their partner stops them. Yous DC is 11 months old, not a newborn.

also....

We have just gotten back from staying with his family in their holiday home where for a week he went to the pub with his mother and siblings while I put the baby to bed and stayed in the house. No offer of babysitting so I could go out.

thats a DP problem there. HE should be offering to have your child and give you a break - not his DM. Also how much did you pay while staying there for board? Or are you complaining that on your free holiday you had to mind your own child?

I don't believe all the posters who claim they'd have no anxiety alone at night in an isolated house. It's bullshit 😂

It's really not. You know what helps you get used to being alone in a house without worrying? Being alone in a house. Multiple experiences of being alone with nothing terrible happening.

I spent 6 years in a remote cottage, alone, with my closest neighbours being half a mile away - sometimes further if they were on hols. Oh, and the patio doors didn't lock properly for two of those years . At first I was worried. It lasted about a month before I no longer gave a f.

What Cornishclio said!

This incident in isolation YABU but I suspect there is back story about you feeling like second fiddle and this is the final straw. If that's the case, you haven't explained yourself very well OP and you do need to have a proper conversation with your DH

I don't believe all the posters who claim they'd have no anxiety alone at night in an isolated house. It's bullshit 😂 Either they've never lived in the country, or they have no imagination.

Nonsense. Thousands of people live in the country and don't have an absurd fear of being attacked in the night. I grew up in a farmhouse 5 miles from the nearest village and 15 miles from the nearest town with a father who worked away from him for stretches of several days at a time and my mother and I coped - and that included traipsing across dark fields to look after the animals as well. When I left for university my mother also managed fine on her own for days at a time. It wouldn't have occurred to her to insist on having someone there to 'protect' her. And since my dad, like most men, is not an expert in any form of combat, I doubt he could have done much against an aggressive intruder anyway.

I don't think we were wildly brave or courageous. I think we had normal expectations and just got on with things. And I think if you're lying awake terrified of being attacked (despite the fact that crime rates are significantly higher in cities than in rural areas), don't live in the bloody country!

I grew up in an isolated house and it was intimidating to stay alone. It had all sorts of noises to fuel the imagination. I understand the anxiety but also think it's harmful to your quality of life to be unable to spend a night alone in your own home. I'm glad that I learned to cope with it and feel quite adaptable now.

Well, I think you're being a bit silly not wanting to be alone in your own house I dream of such a thing but I don't think that's the real problem, is it?

We have just gotten back from staying with his family in their holiday home where for a week he went to the pub with his mother and siblings while I put the baby to bed and stayed in the house. No offer of babysitting
The week before he stayed over at his mums house to mind the dog while she went away with friends for the weekend, she forgot to book kennels.

THIS is the real problem. Your MIL has your DP on a string and your DP seems to take you for granted.

But the point is that she has stayed alone before......

The big deal is the holiday. Families help each other out-that’s fine. But the dp going out every night for a week is definitely not fine.

Really intrigued at the perceived dangers of rural country living?

Burglary - yes OK but actually far less likely than in a big town or city and given rural location would have to planned in advance (transport) and worth the bother. Are you a secret WAG OP?

Wild animal attack - not very likely, unless there is a well documented pack of house breaking animal brigands in your part of the country?

So we are left with - being scared of the dark?

Grow up OP and loosen your DP's reigns, you are riding him too tightly. I wonder what your DP thinks of your behaviour? Selfish, demanding and unreasonable spring to mind.

YABU - it's one night. That said I do agree with the hotel thing as at the end of the day - he is a stranger.

Your DH's assumption that you're the default childcarer and he can go out whenever he likes - and that he doesn't want to include you in his and his family's social life, or give you a night off, even when he so easily could as on his holiday (doesn't sound like it was much of a holiday for you) - is dreadful though.

That's the real problem here - your selfish husband who doesn't care about you very much - not the poor nephew.

as others have said, you are being silly. it is only one night. when you are in a serious relationship, you do have to accept that on occasion you do things you'd rather not, for the sake of each others family. but one evening is going to fly by and you really shouldn't make a fuss about this. How would you feel if it was your mum on her own and asking for help?

YABU -

Its just a night. I hated it. I learned to cope with it. Now I actually like the occasional nights with a whole bed, a few glasses of wine and the TV to myself.

I think people have to understand that what scares some people may not scare others!

Before I met my current partner I lived alone for 2 years, when I was house hunting I had it in the back of my mind where I would feel comfortable and where I wouldn’t. I remember seeing this lovely little cottage with original features hardwood floor beams and it was absolutely beautiful, I didn’t go for it because I knew myself that I would not be happy staying there on my own in the middle of the night! Call me silly or pathetic but I ended up going for a nearly new build because it felt fresh and safe. If I wasn’t single at the time I probably would have gone for the cottage, and feel really uneasy if I ever had to stay there on my own.

I know people who have fears of meeting new people.
People have fears about going to social events.
People have fears of heights
People have fears of water
And some people have fears about being at home a lone no matter how old they are!
I have an irrational fear of spiders! So much so that I will scream at my partner when he gets hold of one and tries to chase me with it! (He thinks he’s being funny)

I feel quite disgusted reading some of the posts calling the OP names such as pathetic and calling her anti feminist, I feel it’s even more anti feminist to pull other women down for their fears!

You can call her unreasonable, however, if you are anxious about something then you tend to act in an unreasonable way, and I personally feel for one night that OP should stay home alone, but I would never dream of calling her names for having fears that’s just bang out of order!

She has stayed alone at home before.

Nope sorry you're being ridiculous