To tell DP to say no to MIL

[Tulpenblue]

My DPs father died some years ago and his sister live with his mother about 20miles away from us. Recently his mother's nephew got in touch, he's her brothers son from a relationship no one knew anything about and her brother died a few years ago. The family have obviously never met him before, he is around 19. He wants to meet the family so my MIL has invited him to her home. This evening she spoke to my DP and asked if he would say with them the night that her nephew is visiting as she and DPs sister don't feel comfortable being alone with a strange man the house. DP said he would speak to me. My issue is that if he stays with them he is leaving me and our 11 month old baby o; our own! We live in a quiet rural area, I don't like being alone here. DP says it's just to reassure his mother and sister but now I have to arrange to stay somewhere else or ask someone else to come stay with me for the night! AIBU to tell DP to say no to is mother and that she should put the nephew up in the local hotel. TBH If the nephew turns out to be a weirdo I don't really like the idea of DP having to deal with the situation either!

I spent 6 years in a remote cottage, alone, with my closest neighbours being half a mile away - sometimes further if they were on hols. Oh, and the patio doors didn't lock properly for two of those years

I spent six years living in an isolated house with patio doors that didn't lock properly as well. Came home from the shops one day and found the house robbed, a telephone directory in flitters all around the house and across fields where our feisty little dachs had kept attacking all the time the burglars were in the house. We were lucky they didn't kill him :(

We got the patio doors fixed after that.

@juells the issue there is the fact you lived in a house that wasn't secure not that you lived in an isolated area.

Of course I understand that incident will colour your view of safety but it has everything to do with the fact your house was pretty much unlocked and nothing to do with where you lived.

The OP hasn't mentioned anything about experiencing anything similar.

@BertrandRussell
OP said she hasn't stayed at home alone - when her DP dog-sat, she went and stayed with her family.

I remember seeing this lovely little cottage with original features hardwood floor beams and it was absolutely beautiful, I didn’t go for it because I knew myself that I would not be happy staying there on my own in the middle of the night! Call me silly or pathetic but I ended up going for a nearly new build because it felt fresh and safe.

But in this case you were totally reasonable - you knew what you were comfortable with and made a decision based on that. What would have been unreasonable would be if you went for the cottage anyway and then expected your family to rearrange their lives to suit you because you were terrified to be there alone!

It's reasonable to have fears. It isn't reasonable to expect other people to bear responsibility for managing those fears because you refuse to do so yourself.

OP's fear of being alone is her problem. So she is the one who should be making plans to stay in a hotel or with friends if she can't be alone. She can't demand that her husband doesn't do a totally reasonable thing for his mother because it doesn't suit her.

I totally agree! It is unreasonable to get family and friends to rally around due to your own fears, it’s much better to face those fears.

Although I once asked my dad to come round to get rid of a spider for me! lol x

What I don’t like is people name calling and being quite mean to the OP for having fears.

Xx

Honestly I wouldn't move somewhere that I was scared to stay alone. I might feel the same in the middle of the countryside but for that reason I wouldn't move there. Maybe you need to look at getting a CCTV system or something. It really shouldn't affect you this much.

In your position I would want my DP to stay with his mother.

And this children, is why I don't want to have sons

Yeah because it’s only women who behave badly in relationships isn’t it? Men never rape or beat their wives, never control them. No, people with daughters don’t have anything to worry about do they?

What is it you are worried about?

I've spent many many nights alone - DH travels a lot and always has - but I'm not unsympathetic. Ive done the 2am wander around the house with a torch double checking doors It's not fun but once you've done it once or twice it gets easier.

Sorry I agree with PP, you can't live in a house where you're not able to stay alone with your child. I would be encouraging DP to support his mum, it dies him credit that he wants to help his family and that he consults you first. However just because he's had the courtesy to ask doesn't mean you should feel free to say no.

The OP posted this “Yes have stayed on my own while he dog sat.“

So she has stayed alone.

As kindly as possible yabu. Plenty of mums live in their own with children. Maybe you should think about moving if you dont feel comfortable in your own home. Whos idea was it to live so remotely?
I have lived on my own with my daughter since she was 4 days old. My mum stayed the first night we were home but that was it. This seems a tad bit silly tbh.

I have sons. If my ds thought holidays were about leaving his wife with the kids and going to the pub, I’d check if this was dils dream holiday and if not would be doing ladies night at the pub and leaving my ds to pull his weight parenting. And wonder did he learn nothing from his parents.

Surely the obvious answer here is for her OH to bring his cousin back to their house for the night when they have finished dinner and socialising? That way, there is a male on the house with the stranger, plus the OP isn't alone.

@Tulpenblue

No, I'm not keen on staying by myself in the house. Why should I. I never stay here alone.

or

Yes have stayed on my own while he dog sat.

Which one is it?

I'm sorry but this sounds a bit like princess behaviour, although I do hear anxiety here and potential red flags 're communication' with your DP.
This boy is 19...he lost his father ' a few years ago'. So what...14....15 years old? He has found another potential family whom he may have yearned for for years, who knows?

All things are possible, not all things are probable.This is important to remember.

The probability is that he has taken a huge step in contacting strangers in order to make some more order in his life. To not offer to put him up ( esp if there is strong evidence of familial heredity) would be curmudgeonly. He is only 19. Try and think the best rather than the worst. ( this to MIL too).
He's probably highly anxious about meeting strangers but needs to forge contact. I'd say that was pretty mature at 19.
As other posters have said...you have a variety of options. Take one and bless your Dp's cousin. Who knows what may come put of it? Lifelong friendship, love, an uncle for your DS?
GOOD LUCK!

Surely you will be fine for 1 night. Put yourself in his mothers shoes

Here, I’ve got an idea. Borrow the dog and you won’t be alone.

I wasn't going to reply to this thread again but as it's been resurrected this morning I felt I should comment.

I am truly shocked at the level of meanness, judgement and name calling from so many grown women based on knowing essentially nothing about me. You should be ashamed at your behaviour, this is the type of bullying you'd be no doubt up in arms about if you read about it happening to a teenager online.

I asked if I was being unreasonable, not pathetic, needy, hardwork, nasty, princess or the other names I've had slung at me and assumptions made about me.

A few constructive comments I've taken on board, thank you @Faerie87 @timeisnotaline @PuddinginPerth @NorfolkRattle, I think you see where I'm coming from.

@Tulpenblue

I just read your follow up post. Those words (said by others) were purely to hurt you.

Sometimes things seem so incredibly difficult and we are so alone that others can see our weakness (what you’ve experienced in this forum is an example of that).

You’re justified in your feelings. You have a right to be upset. Being upset won’t help you with your situation.

I know my suggestion was cunning and sociopathic..... However, I’ve been in situations where I had no power and me yelling at the situation (and my ex) didn’t help me. What helped me was understanding human behaviour and my own capabilities.

Admittedly, my initial suggestion was a bit far fetched.... but desperate times do call for desperate measures.

Your MIL knows what she is doing. At least two instances in the last month (the dog sitting & the nephew incident).

I know how vulnerable you would feel by yourself in a remote area with an infant.

Which is why, the more I think about it - my original suggestion (with an end game to move) is entirely appropriate. Thinking smarter, instead of working harder will make things easier for you. Your MIL is already doing it. My only advice is that you make sure you are capable of following through with your actions and that you are very careful - whatever your ultimate plan is.

I don’t think you are any of those horrible things those sociopaths have said you are; I believe your husband needs to behave like a man and not a child; leaving a wife and infant to go back home to mummy is his weakness - not yours.

I would imagine that there are other occasions that have caused you concern. These things rarely occur in isolation.

I wish you the very best of luck.

" your husband needs to behave like a man and not a child; leaving a wife and infant to go back home to mummy is his weakness - not yours"
What's manly about refusing to help his mother out?.

@PudinginPerth

I am also shocked at the level of abuse people dish out on mums net!

I did a thread a couple of months ago asking for advice about my step daughter and I was quite close to giving birth and the level of abuse I received on it was absolutely vile! Especially to a lady who was heavily pregnant! I was actually really tearful for a few days afterwards and leading up to giving birth.

You come to these forums for advice and you tend to get 90% abuse and 10% advice!

I’ve read through the comments by many of the PP and they are vile. I don’t know how people can have so much hate for people they don’t even know???

I think those people should be ashamed of themselves, a fellow human being has asked for advice and instead of helping and giving CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, you name called and abused someone who was in need of help! Bravo! Whatever you do, those people who can’t be civil, don’t ever join the Samaritans!

I hope you get everything sorted OP, I also would steer clear of mumsnet if you want advice, not trying to be mean when I say this but there are too many vile people on it who like to bully and make other people feel small.

Xxx

You sound really needy.

There’s no reason (bar medical) that you cannot stay in your own for 1 night with an 11 month old baby.

Your OH is being very considerate to his mum.

You need to diet your anxiety, control out before it pushes him away.

I am sorry you feel you have been bullied but the almost unanimous response is that it is not normal to be scared of being in your own home with your child for one night. It really isn't possible for your dh to be with you all the time forever. What would you do if he had to work away or have an operation?

OP, I don't think you're BU. I have spent many nights on my own at home and I don't like it either. However, I do think you need to pick your battles. The holiday, for example - it sounds ridiculous that he just left you with the baby night after night whilst he went out with his mum. Perhaps you could plan ahead a bit more with things like that?

Just to add, for clarity, I would support my partner in staying over with his mum for one night in the situation you describe.