To tell DP to say no to MIL

[Tulpenblue]

My DPs father died some years ago and his sister live with his mother about 20miles away from us. Recently his mother's nephew got in touch, he's her brothers son from a relationship no one knew anything about and her brother died a few years ago. The family have obviously never met him before, he is around 19. He wants to meet the family so my MIL has invited him to her home. This evening she spoke to my DP and asked if he would say with them the night that her nephew is visiting as she and DPs sister don't feel comfortable being alone with a strange man the house. DP said he would speak to me. My issue is that if he stays with them he is leaving me and our 11 month old baby o; our own! We live in a quiet rural area, I don't like being alone here. DP says it's just to reassure his mother and sister but now I have to arrange to stay somewhere else or ask someone else to come stay with me for the night! AIBU to tell DP to say no to is mother and that she should put the nephew up in the local hotel. TBH If the nephew turns out to be a weirdo I don't really like the idea of DP having to deal with the situation either!

On Mumsnet, EVERYONES marriage is at ‘crisis point’

Honestly, there’s no point fighting dramas with more dramas

You are being VERY unreasonable.

You're a grown adult, parent and should be capable of staying in your home with your child.

If you're worried about security then double check all the doors and windows are locked that evening but if security is as issue it's something you and your husband should address anyway.

This sounds like the reasonable request, hidden amongst many unreasonable ones.

Your DH does need to learn to say no e.g. next time MIL 'forgets' to book kennels.

Though, wouldn't it be a better idea for them to meet the nephew for lunch out or something first, before inviting him to stay at their house? As one would with online dating. Though, if they're sure he's who he says he is and he's travelling a long way, I can see why they'd want to be hospitable. (Maybe he's going to find out they're a bit weird?).

I would not invite someone I did not know and presumably know nothing about to stay in my home. They should have arranged a meet up in a restaurant/bar or whatever.

Staying over when his cousin comes-perfectly reasonable. Helping out with dog sitting - perfectly reasonable. Leaving you alone every night on holiday-most definitely not reasonable.

But getting pissed off about the overnight stay because of the holiday isn't reasonable either. Detach the two. Talk to him about the holiday, but unconnected with the cousin's visit.

Massive drip feeds there but I still think YABU and quite nasty in how you talk about this man. It’s your DP’s cousin, they are family. Stop referring to the situation so disparagingly - “sort her shit out” these are actual people, it’s not forgetting to wait in for a parcel or something.

See a GP about your anxiety. Not being able to stay home alone is not normal. I mean that kindly BTW, I am an anxiety/OCD sufferer.

My DH died when my youngest was 11 months and my eldest 2 years. I have spent the last 26 years without an adult in my house, including dealing with an arsonist setting it on fire while the kids and I were asleep inside!
I do think you need to put it in perspective, OP. It’s just one night, you’re in your own home, and you’re an adult, not a child. What on earth is the problem? A third of households in the U.K. are single adults, I believe. They seem to manage.

Oh please, I responded in the thread easier in when I said the OP should have a bit of compassion for a 19 year old who had lost his Father as a teenager and been kept secret. And now posters are blaming the MIL for inviting him to stay.

What do you seriously think will happen? We have no idea how much contact there has been. Or where he lives? At 19 he is most likely in education, an apprenticeship or entry level job, so unable to afford a hotel.

I don't imagine the MIL/SIL think he is going to run around the house with an axe shouting 'Here's Johnny'. I assume they would like the OP's DH there as support because they are two women alone and maybe not used to dealing/making conversation with young men. They are hoping he will be able to plug any gaps as well as meeting his long lost cousin.

OP you need to pick your battles, this is not one of them.
You should have gone for it when he left you every night on holiday, that is unacceptable, however helping his mother in this situation and the dog sitting are perfectly acceptable and you should be supportive.

As for staying in the house alone - grow up.

OP I think you need to put your big girl pants on and just deal.

Are you that dependent on your DP you cannot spend one night without him?

Come on.....

now I have to arrange to stay somewhere else or ask someone else to come stay with me for the night

Why?

I think people are being unduly mean to you OP. I have a fear of being alone in the house over night. I have to get DM to stay with me when DH is away . I think it's quite common and can be known as monophobia. So i understand why you dont want to DP to go away and I dont think your bu at all.
I agree its safer for nephew to stay in a hotel during the first meeting. However mil has not chosen this option and DP wants to stay over with her which is understandable.
Is there anyone who can stay with you ? or could you treat yourself and dc to a stay in a hotel ? Have you tried speaking to somone about your fears and where they come from?

Sorry op but I don’t believe you.

You’re too afraid to spend a night at home with your own child? Bollox to that.

What worries you about staying in your house on your own with your baby overnight OP? What do you think could happen? It sounds like you have anxiety & could do with some help.

I think this might be about more than just one night away. If OP goes off on holiday with her DHs family and they go out every night leaving her alone to put an 11 month to bed that is unfair. Don't put up with that again. If MIL forgets to arrange dog care and her DP goes off again leaving her alone with child care for a week. MIL invites an unknown man to stay, even if related and DP has to chaperone and you are again left holding the baby. I don't think it would be unreasonable to say enough is enough and tell your DP to stop ignoring his childcare responsibilities to deal with his DMs problems.

I do think though you should not be afraid to stay one night alone in your own home. If it is too rural and private can you look into moving? Or get a burglar alarm.

Pathetic, utterly utterly pathetic. Get a fucking grip and grow up for gods sake!

And this children, is why I don't want to have sons.

Oh FFS I can't understand all the pp saying the OP is unfair. I would be and have been terrified to spend the night alone in an isolated house. Give her a break.

Are you scared to stay in your own home by yourself?

Yes, that's me too. I live in a terraced house in a city and have dogs, and still didn't relax until I got a burglar alarm. Not everyone in the world is physically brave when it's dark outside.

This really doesn't make sense.

You say that you did stay in the house alone when your DH dog sat, so you can do it. And why wouldn't you? You sound really pathetic. You are a mother - you need to be able to adult.

The holiday stuff it sounds like you were being a martyr, not even saying you wanted to go out. YABU

Op I think your husband was selfish about the pub and this should definitely be addressed to be fair to you in future.

On this instance though I think you are being a little unreasonable as your MIL has a genuine need.

Is there anything you can do to feel more comfortable in the house alone? An alarm system? Do you know the cause of your worry? I know it is tough and might scary but a night to yourself can be quite nice.

I hope it all works out for you.

Are people really not getting that

People don’t stay overnight in a pub

People don’t stay overnight when dog sitting.

Her DH would clearly have come back to spend the night with her both those times. I’m always unsure on here whether people are deliberately obtuse.

Anyway, regardless, the time will come, OP when you have to spend a night away from him and this seems like a situation he needs to attend to.

I think you are picking the wrong battle. The issue isn’t this one off event. It’s that you feel as though you’re second best. As a one off, YABU. Put it all together YANBU.

It sounds as though your mil was very dependant on her husband and frequently gets herself into situations, where she feels rescuing. Her son (your dh) has perhaps chosen a similar partner.

You’re not going to win by going head to head with her. You have to turn this into a situation, where there are no losers.

CantenkerousCamel
Op said she was alone at night when he dog sat.

You wouldn't be U to object to a lot of the other stuff (like going out every night for a week on holiday leaving you behind).

But you are being massively U to pick this the one perfectly reasonable instance and choose this as your hill to die on because you just don't like being at home alone.

“Re pub outings, I don't ask. I waited to see if anyone courteous enough to offer”

I think you need to stop being so passive and learn to become more assertive. You husband is taking the piss because he knows he can get away with it.

“If the problem is that his mum is demanding of his time and inconsiderate of yours, that’s different from you’re afraid to spend a night at home without him.”

I agree with this ^^