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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell DP to say no to MIL

252 replies

Tulpenblue · 15/07/2018 23:50

My DPs father died some years ago and his sister live with his mother about 20miles away from us. Recently his mother's nephew got in touch, he's her brothers son from a relationship no one knew anything about and her brother died a few years ago. The family have obviously never met him before, he is around 19. He wants to meet the family so my MIL has invited him to her home. This evening she spoke to my DP and asked if he would say with them the night that her nephew is visiting as she and DPs sister don't feel comfortable being alone with a strange man the house. DP said he would speak to me. My issue is that if he stays with them he is leaving me and our 11 month old baby o; our own! We live in a quiet rural area, I don't like being alone here. DP says it's just to reassure his mother and sister but now I have to arrange to stay somewhere else or ask someone else to come stay with me for the night! AIBU to tell DP to say no to is mother and that she should put the nephew up in the local hotel. TBH If the nephew turns out to be a weirdo I don't really like the idea of DP having to deal with the situation either!

OP posts:
SpareASquare · 16/07/2018 03:35

YABU
Clearly, no matter how many times it's said, you don't agree so I'm not sure why you asked in the first place.

Not only are you BU but based on each update you sound like hard work.

lunar1 · 16/07/2018 03:47

I've never read anything so pathetic. As for the holiday I can't stand all this poor me, nobody offered, it's simpering, pathetic behaviour. You are martyring yourself just so you can complain. If you wanted to do something then just ask.

lifechangesforever · 16/07/2018 03:48

Ifs you who sounds the drain on your DP, not his family.

You need to accept that he's an equal partner, that doesn't mean that he's there to cater to your every whim and be with you 24/7. He can make his own decision and it doesn't sound like he does anything out of the ordinary.

How do you think women who's partners work away all the time cope?

NightLion · 16/07/2018 03:49

Are you for real, OP? YABVU

Faerie87 · 16/07/2018 04:56

I think rather than be mean and call the OP pathetic and name calling I think everyone should try to maybe see it from the point of view of the OP.

In my honest opinion I do believe that it is only one night and this should not be a problem.

However, if the OP has anxiety about being home a lone with her little one, the last thing we should do as mothers or humans for that matter, is to call her pathetic and tell her to get a grip! You yourselves may not understand why some people have anxiety about certain things And it may not make sense to you, but anxiety and crippling worry and fear of certain situations is very real! I myself have had it, not about being home a lone but when it comes to other situations. I went through a traumatic experience last year and the fear and worry about that same thing happening again caused me to act in a very unreasonable and strange way in order to relieve my worry. It’s very common and it’s very hard to explain it to other people. My mother has it about driving on the motorway and becomes an absolute shaking mess if she goes anywhere near it. It can present itself in many different ways!

You would not tell a mother who has PND to get a grip and that she is being pathetic!

You would not tell someone with OCD to get over it and stop wasting time!

Just as much as you would not tell someone with anxiety that they are being pathetic and to get over it!

It’s really unfair and to me shows a lack of compassion.

Op, if you are really worried about this so much so that you need help and advice of mums net, I would recommend that you speak with your GP, you should be able to handle one or two nights a lone without your DP but if you’re really struggling and worrying about it, it does seem like you have anxiety and there are ways you can get through it! I had CBT while I was pregnant due to me worrying excessively about one thing or another and I found it helped a million! Talking to someone like a Therapist (not mumsnet!) will help you.

When it comes to your partner, I know with my partner he is away pretty much one night a week until late, he’s always round his mums dropping stuff off and fixing things. He also has planned one or two nights away over the next few months and our little one is only 6wo at the moment. It’s a pain in the arse and it upsets me somestimes especially when I’ve had a tough day with LO and all I need is his help and support but I think it is something you’re going to have to put up with?

Maybe he could return the favour for you? So for example if he goes out and stays away, he should allow you to do the same to gets some much needed rest? Have a chat with him and see what you think?

You can PM me if you want a chat without any judgement though?

Good luck with it, you will be fine though 🙂

moleeye · 16/07/2018 05:04

OP you sound like hard work...

I agree with previous posters. UABU!

Charolais · 16/07/2018 05:24

We live in the middle of nowhere in a western state - no one for miles - and my husband would go away for a week at a time leaving me alone with our baby with a whole ranch to manage. It never bothered me.

flumpybear · 16/07/2018 05:37

Seriously, a new family member trying to connect with his family after his dad died and all you're worried about is you doing something an adult should just get on with - YADBU - life doesn't revolve around you - get your big girl pants on and be a grown up

PuddinginPerth · 16/07/2018 05:49

It appears that there is more going on; this isn’t one night. This is your MIL having control. Your husband is allowing this behaviour. Him dogsitting for an entire weekend because his mother “forgot to book the kennels” is a massive red flag. Him leaving you every night for a week while you look after the child alone is another red flag.

It is very very unusual behaviour and there are alarm bells for your marriage that your husband would rather be anywhere than with you.

The concern is, you and your child are his family now.

I would tell him that there isn’t a problem and that you understand. Then I would report an attempted break in & have him drive home.

Create such a drama that next time he’ll think twice.

Of course this is rather sociopathic. But your husband is very clearly stupid or playing you. Either you get control of this situation now or it will escalate.

FreshHorizons · 16/07/2018 06:09

I have rarely seen an AIBU thread where everyone agrees YABU (apart from the one person who appears to think he is dog sitting for a weekend) - I think you can take it YABU.
My husband died suddenly when our son was 11months old and I had to be on my own in the house with the baby from then on! Count your blessings - it is one night!! If you are scared you need to face your fears and do it- or move.

FreshHorizons · 16/07/2018 06:12

I would also stop divorcing your husband from the situation with the rubbish of 'MIL's nephew' and say 'DH's cousin'.

rwalker · 16/07/2018 06:16

Go and stay with your family then. From your dh point of view how suffocating you won't allow him to spend the night at his mums irrespective of the reason he's going . You sound bitter from the recent trip and want to score points.

Monty27 · 16/07/2018 06:16

I hope all is well OP Hmm
Seriously, you can't cope? Ah bless.
I wonder why dp didn't ask you to come too, oh hang on Confused

SpareASquare · 16/07/2018 06:22

@PuddinginPerth Your post is so stupid I'm still trying to figure out whether you are being 'real'. Just when I've decided, I realise I'm not really sure.

'Report a break in' CANNOT be a serious suggestion for a start
'Alarm bells' because of a weekend dogsitting? For real?
'Get control' WTF?

Just as much as you would not tell someone with anxiety that they are being pathetic and to get over it!
In a world where everyone seems to have anxiety I don't actually think the OP said she did. She just doesn't want to stay by herself. She's done it before and she's stayed with family other times. It's really quite mean and controlling to pick THIS time and THIS situation to put her foot down and forbid her OP.

Bekabeech · 16/07/2018 06:23

YABU

And I'd suggest you start to work on your anxiety. I'll admit when my DH first stayed away and the DC were tiny, I did used to take my phone to bed with me. But I'd have never moved out just because he wasn't here.
You need to get counselling/help if anxiety is an issue for you. I would also suggest positive steps to make sure your home security is adequate. A few more window locks? A burglar alarm? Security lights? Security planting (planting plants that deter intruders) and gravel.

HattieAndHerBoy · 16/07/2018 06:31

OP, if you’re old enough to have a house, a partner, a baby, you’re old enough to stay alone overnight.

AStatelyPleasureDome · 16/07/2018 06:32

OP, you are driving your DP away with your smothering and unreasonable behaviour. Can't you see that? My take on it is that he prefers to spend time with his family to get away from you, as you are so needy and demanding.

If you are not careful, he will walk away and, with a young child and without the protection of marriage, you will be vulnerable financially, as well as being alone every night, not just occasionally. Is this what you fear and what is really behind your stance on this issue?

You are going the wrong way about achieving what you want, as must be clear from the nearly unanimous view of previous posters.

strawberrisc · 16/07/2018 06:33

Try being a single Mum. If I hear something in the night I have to go and investigate by myself.

MCC85 · 16/07/2018 06:38

When my LO was 11 months old, I was going back to work while my DH worked a week if nights.
I didn't see him once all week, that's nothing though compared to some people who really are doing it alone.
I understand it's a pull in your family time, but think of the positives.....tv yourself, can eat what you want for tea and starfish in bed!

Oliversmumsarmy · 16/07/2018 06:38

Yes YABU.

You need to pick your battles.

Dp staying 1 night as a security for his mum and sister reasonable

Dp not giving you a night off on holiday Unreasonable. So you ask to go out. People aren't mind readers.
I was brought up with the phrase Don't ask don't get.

Monty27 · 16/07/2018 06:41

Forbid? Oh dear.

CosmicCanary · 16/07/2018 06:44

Sorry OP YABU.

Will he never be allowed to go away overnight? Is that practical?

CosmicCanary · 16/07/2018 06:47

Just read Puddings post Shock

That is controlling and very worrying advice. Please dont follow it OP.

FreshHorizons · 16/07/2018 06:48

HattieAndHerBoy has nailed it- no more to be said.

QueenEnid · 16/07/2018 06:49

Yea sorry OP but YABU.
It's one night. Your MIL is in far more need than you are for that one night so I think you should stop being so selfish.

I've got 2 kids under 2 and I prefer it when my OH is around too but I had to suck it up when he had to work away for a month. I was 2 weeks PP and had a 15 month old too. It was bloody tough. But I survived. So will you

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